fire up the tilt-a-whirl

So the other morning my wife Sue looked up from her iPhone for a moment to remark, “Hey, someone in France is going to build a Napoleonland!”

(Sometimes, the universe just makes it too easy ….)

Of course, the first thing that you think of is this—

“Excellent!”

Sorry the clip is so blurry, but I picked it because it had the song—good luck getting that out of your head. (You’re welcome.)

Anyway, according to the above story—

The Battle of Waterloo, which put an end to Napoleon’s rule in France, is expected to be recreated on a daily basis and visitors may even be able to take part in the reenactments.

They will also be able to take in a water show recreating the Battle of Trafalgar.

A museum, a hotel, shops, restaurants and a congress are all expected to be built at the park.

Planners are also hoping to recreate the killing of Louis XVI, France’s last King, who died after being guillotined during the Revolution…

An NPR story about the attraction (brilliantly entitled “Let Them Eat Funnel Cake“) mentions other attractions the park could have, including “a ski slope where skiers are transported through a simulated scene of Napoleon’s disastrous campaign through Russia while skiing through ‘frozen corpses of soldiers and horses.'” They also suggest that visitors could partake in a re-creation of the storming of The Bastille—“Hey kids, don’t forget your own kettle of boiling lead to shower your friends!”—as well as witness the beheading of Louis XVI, which would be great if they let GWAR stage it. [Caution: NSFW or anyone who may not fully appreciate thrash metal bands in outlandish costumes with completely over-the-top stage shows that involve copious amounts of violence, pseudo-gore and fluids being showered on audiences.]

I also started thinking about the appeal of an attraction that celebrated France’s historic battles. Obviously, if you’re any sort of French war reenactor, I guess you have to go back a few centuries for a good show since most of your “work” in the 20th century would involve throwing up your hands every time the Germans came a-knockin’—hard to sell a Super Hopper pass to that “action,” right? (And yes, I know about the French Resistance and French Foreign Legion—just reaching for the low-hanging fromage!)

Of course, from there, it’s just a short jump to—

rayality: the theme park

Of course, it would be sponsored by Coke and sell turkey drumsticks, and there would be all sorts of attractions. Like what, you ask? Well, here’s a few ideas …

(the high) road rayge – Think Fast and the Furious meets The Road Warrior meets the Way-Out Wacky Races, but for the whole family! It’s a wild rayce across the wasteland featuring rocket-powered jet cars outfitted with cannons, flamethrowers and other weapons of automotive destruction, with drivers who choose to use cell phones to text while driving, and thus, abandoning the high road—which I so often adhere to—being mercilessly punished with violence, fire and general carnage. (Okay, maybe not for the “whole family” …)

piraytes of the caribbean – Yarrrrrgh, me buckos! Sail the seven seas of rayality on this thrilling boat ride, where ye and ye scurvy crew will navigate the Isles of Ignorance and cross cutlasses with me enemies, including the Commodopes, the Bully Buccaneers and the scurvy whores, who ye’ll get to keel-haul and make walk the plank!

the carraysel of progress – This would feature some of my future inventions, including:

• Chlorofriends – Stuffed animals with names like Sleepy Sting Ray to help young children fall asleep. When each Chlorofriend is given a loving squeeze, it emits a playful cloud of chloroform, sure to send even the most stubborn rug rat to dreamland. (Also available in pillowcases)
• Hood rockets – Can be fitted for any vehicle to “gently remind” cell phone users to not text and drive by obliterating them in a fiery blast. (And talk about cross-marketing opportunities—a natural product tie in to road rayge!)
• Thought-control blinkers – You know what makes the Amazing Kreskin so amazing? He’s the only one who can read minds! Since the rest of us can’t, and thus, don’t know which way a careless driver might be turning at any given moment, this takes the “silly” free will task of warning others and puts it in the hands of computers, where it belongs!

shoot the clown into the brick wall – Just like it sounds. (Everything doesn’t have to have “ray” in it to be a grayt idea.)

the hall of skeezers – Featuring animatronic versions (wax figures creep me out) of the some of my favorite all-time entertainers, including Tawyny Kitaen (back before she went crazy), Jeana Thomasina (back before she was a Real Houseife), Wendy O. Williams (back before she was dead), Elvira, Linnea Quigley and Andrea Evans, with a special shrine dedicated to my one-time future wife (and current Facebook friend) Debbie Gibson.

flash mountain – Oh wait, it already exists …

welcome to the jungle cruise – It’d be a flume ride through scenes from my brain, which considering the things I fill my days thinking about (curiosities, jerks, my colon, ghosts, UFOs and Bigfoot, death …), *might* be a bit disturbing for some. On the plus side, it’d have a kick-ass soundtrack!

I’m also thinking there should be a nice patch of weed-filled lawn near the egress, where every visitor could stand for a few minutes, shake their fist and yell at the clouds. The complete rayality experience.