the next guy

When it comes to my marriage, my wife has heard me often repeat the words of the immortal Al Bundy: “Till death do us part … and then we’re free to date again.”

Sue has also repeatedly endured my other thought on this particular subject—that if anything should happen to her, once the kids are big enough to fend on their own, I’m off to a Unabomber shack in the woods.

(One a side note: As some of you know, when we were visiting Washington, D.C., last year, I was almost apoplectic when I discovered that being displayed in the Newseum—a museum I cannot recommend highly enough—was the actual Unabomber’s shack!

Needs a little work—and indoor plumbing—but hey, it’ll do …)

Anyway, as you all know, I tend to think about my death (a bit), and in those imaginings, I’ve always figured/hoped that once my ashes have been shot out of the cannon, Sue, being an attractive, intelligent, successful and amazing woman, would move on, and probably somewhat quickly. Not Bobby Brown quickly, but you know, maybe in a month or two. I know I’ve teased her that she’ll have a young pool boy (or maybe Mark Sanchez) ready to go, yet I’ve never really thought about exactly who might replace me in her life …

Until now.

Now, I know that from beyond the grave, my control over the situation will be, uh, limited. And trust me, the last thing I’d want to do is put any restrictions on her. I also would never tell her exactly who should she go after because she would never do anything I told her to do when I was alive, so why would I expect anything different afterward?

Plus, let’s be honest: Who really wants to be the act that follows me? I suppose Justin Timberlake could pull it off, but what can’t J.T. do?

Again, I know I have absolutely no say in the matter, but Sue will admit (without even needing to finish an entire glass of wine) that we’ve had a great life together, and out of respect for that, she would most likely consider some suggestions as to my replacement. I don’t have anyone specific in mind, but I do have some ideas to the contrary. As a matter of fact, here are—

The Top 14 People Whom I Prefer My Wife *NOT* Marry After I’m Dead

14. Carrot Top – We’re all agreed, this doesn’t really need an explanation, right?

… Except my wife has an inexplicable crush on Conan O’Brien, so the ginger thing can’t be totally dismissed (speaking of which, Senior Smoke better keep back, too). And even though ‘Top’s nearly as ripped as I am, it appears he does wax a bit more.

13. Al Gore – Okay, I know he’s a former Vice President of the United States, an ardent environmentalist, a best-selling author, inventor the interwebz, a terrific dancer and possibly the only person more liberal than Sue herself…

… Except he’s also willingly slept with Tipper Gore. A lot. And doesn’t seem to be at all uncomfortable with the whole world knowing.

12. Rex Ryan – Look, Rex is pretty much my all-time favorite head coach of the New York Jets, and someone I think I’d have at my table for the “Four People You’d Love to Have Dinner With” (as long as someone else was picking up the tab). From all accounts, he seems like a really good guy, entertaining, loyal, outgoing, has an open mind when it comes to love …

… The mental image is just … crushing. I’ll leave it like that.

11. George Clooney – Sure, he seems like the perfect guy—handsome, intelligent, charming, great sense of humor …

… From all accounts he is perfect, and then some. Which is exactly why I don’t want her marrying him. (Yes, I’m that jealous and petty.)

10. Charlie Sheen – Obviously, there’s no denying the appeal of a tiger-blood-drinking, goddess-worshiping, #winning warlock …

… But yeah, I feel comfortable stepping in here to deny this one. You pick a reason.

9. Richard Simmons – Okay, I know he’s as much an exercise enthusiast and health nut as Sue is, and his fashion choices are above reproach …

… I just think there’s something just a little off here that might not be conducive to a successful marriage. Just sayin’.

8. Max Greenfield – If you watch “New Girl” on FOX (our new favorite guilty pleasure), you know that Greenfield’s Schmidt is by far the best part of the show—”a douche with a heart” who seems to find a reason to take off his shirt in every episode …

… He’s just an actor playing a character! In real life, he’s married, has a daughter, and is a normal, responsible human being. If she married him imagining that her (now-not-so-) secret crush would be just as wacky as on the show, it would just be a disappointment waiting to—

All right, this is another pure jealousy pick. Moving on and staying on theme …

7. Joe Buck – Play-by-play announcer. TV pitchman. New York sports hater. Arrogant, self-absorbed douchebag…

… Did I mention that he’s an arrogant, self-absorbed douchebag? Because he is.

6. Bill Clinton – We all know the ladies love the Silver Fox, and there’s the power thing going on …

… Between his appetite for infidelity and bad ticker, I’d hate to have Sue waking up to headlines about her second husband being found dead with three showgirls and a Tijuana donkey in a trailer park just outside of Reno.

5. Russell Brand – Actor, author, singer, alleged comedian—what’s not to like? Toss in a little bit of bad boy and irresistible British accent …

… Yeah, I just don’t like him. Next!

4. Chris Brown – Mega-successful recording artist and entertainer who seems to have been forgiven by the American public for beating the living crap out of Rihanna a few years ago as he recently scored multiple Grammy awards. Everyone makes mistakes, and he certainly deserves a second chance, right?

… No.

3. Colin Mochrie – Everyone loves a guy with a great sense of humor, and he is probably the quickest wit on the planet—I mean, just look at him! A man’s man, long flowing locks, Canadian …

… Yeah, so again, being petty, I don’t want someone funnier than me hanging around to be the *life* of the party. (You know, what with me being dead.)

2. Salma Hayek – This would just be cruel on so many levels….

… Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

1. Chris Cristie – File this under the potential of “Opposites Attract.” Plus, women are always attracted to men in positions of power, which the governorship of New Jersey just might be. And I suppose there’s the “teddy bear factor” …

… But really, he’s just a gelatinous, cowardly bag of cow pucky that I wouldn’t even let the delusional members of the Westboro Baptist Church play hackysack with. If she wants to marry a douchebag, that’s her prerogative (as aforementioned d-bag Bobby Brown says). But there are much, much better douchebags out there.

Happy hunting, honey!