So I was talking to the legendary Senior Smoke the other day, and we got onto his most favoritest subject in the world: children.

I was talking about how amusing my kids are, and he said, “Look, everyone thinks their kids are great kids. Everyone. And that’s just not the case. It’s just not.”

I started to protest and say, “Yeah, but my kids really are great,” but then I stopped.

He’s absolutely right, I realized.

We constantly tell our kids how great and special they are, and we all believe it, but the truth is that it’s impossible. We say everyone is special, but as Dash says in The Incredibles, that’s just “another way of saying no one is.” Words of wisdom and truth that I think it’s high time we share with our children.

Okay, to facilitate that, I’ve decided to write my very own children’s book … except you know, without the actual book, which is pretty much the way we’re going anyway. But that’s okay, I got the rest of it, including the illustrations, created by my not-special son, Zane.

As you can tell by the title of this post, it’s called—

“You Are Not”

*Ahem*

All your life, people have been telling you that “You are special!”

You are not.

I mean, you’re probably a very nice person and good to others, but that describes about 95 percent of the world. Welcome to the “Just Like Everyone Else” Club!

They will tell you that if you work real hard, you can achieve your dreams, no matter what!

You will not.

No matter how hard you work and how bad you want it, certain dreams are just not coming true under any circumstances. For example, your fantasy of flying off to a magical land on a winged unicorn to become a fairy princesses and marry Abe Vigoda just ain’t happening. Sorry, freak.

They will tell you that if you study hard in school, do all your homework, treat other people well, help old ladies across the street, have ambition and strive for greatness, you can someday become President of the United States.

You can not.

Unless you’re born a millionaire or have powerful family connections, you have absolutely no shot. None. Zero. Zilch. Seriously, there are 300 million Americans and only 1 President, and every single one of them since Harry Truman (look it up) have been millionaires. You got a better chance of getting hit by lightning while you’re reading this than getting that gig. Learn to weld—it’s honest, good-paying work that’s always in demand. Plus, you get to play with sweet, sweet fire.

Can you say fire? Fire! Fire! Fire!

Anyway ….

They will tell you that if you have any sort of talent, be it singing, acting or dancing, if you work hard enough and believe in yourself and your ability, you can become a rich and famous superstar with a big house, fancy cars and lots of money!

You will not.

First off, you probably suck and couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, but your friends and family are too embarrassed to tell you, or don’t want to hurt your feelings, which is a nice thought but why you need to pay attention to this book. But really, for every Kelly Clarkson who is picked out of obscurity to become a superstar, there are literally over 100,000 equally (or even more) talented people who fail. Better odds than being President, but still pretty stinky poo poo. Stick to welding.

They will tell you that someday when you grow up, you will be able to do all the cool things that you’re denied as kid, like staying up all night to play video games, eating cake for breakfast and having a bedroom with a swimming pool, a fire pole and your very own pony!

Dream on, little snowflake.

Your life will absolutely NEVER be better than it is now, except possibly when you’re in college.
No responsibility, no cares, lots of free time with nothing to do but play all day with your friends. You get lots of cool toys at Christmas, can pick you nose without anyone really getting upset and when you mess things up, no one goes to jail or dies. Being grown up isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be—you have to worry about working and money so that means being “responsible,” and that means no all-night Super Mario sessions, no pudding-filled breakfasts and you are extraordinarily “SPECIAL” if you’re bedroom isn’t crammed full of throw pillows, doilies and potpourri.

But hey, it’s not all bad.

Billions of people are not special either, and they have often have terrific lives, full of interesting things and good times. They mostly have tons of friends who aren’t special either, usually fall in love with someone who isn’t all that special, and generally do lots of fun stuff, like go to water parks, get ice cream on a summer night or spend a weekend in Las Vegas that they might not remember all of.

As a matter of fact, in the long run, you may have so much fun not being special, that you think you can do almost anything! You may even think that the good times will go on forever—especially when you’re in college—and that you’re immortal.

You are not.

The End.