rayality quiz #2

Okay hot shots, time for another quiz to see how well you know me after about 5 months of blogging.

1. If I could stop time and space for an hour each day, I would:
a. write the screenplay for F-Troop: The Movie that Senior Smoke keeps asking me to do.
b. finish all those pesky projects I’ve been meaning to get to, you know, like cleaning out the basement, fixing the leak under the kitchen sink without duct tape or building a robot that would either do the laundry or take over the world (or ideally, both).
c. do something truly productive, like learn to speak Star Fleet-quality Klingon.
d. hunt down and exterminate pedophile priests and clowns.
e. run around setting up annoying pranks for when time re-starts.

2. I think the greatest invention in human history is:
a. the intranets.
b. the twist tie.
c. EZ Pass.
d. indoor plumbing.
e. the toothpaste tube.

3. My hero(es) is (are/am/could be/possibly):
a. Abraham Lincoln.
b. The Bloggess.
c. Justin Timberlake.
d. Joe Willie Namath.
e. Colin Mochrie.
f. Senior Smoke.
g. my sons.

4. My favorite current activity is:
a. surfing the intranets.
b. writing.
c. running.
d. worrying about things I can’t control and/or my death.
e. spending time with my family.
f. not appropriate to list in a public space.

5. While attending Southern Connecticut State University, I was voted:
a. Most Likely to Succeed.
b. Most Likely to Suck Seed.
c. Most Likely to Be Stuck with Abbie Hoffman’s Bar Tab.
d. Least Likely to Have His Shorts Shredded While Inadvertently Trying to Impress An 8-year-old Girl
e. Homecoming King.
f. Programs Council Treasurer.

If you *really* want the answers, click “continue reading” over there to the right! Just don’t say you weren’t warned …

Really? Okay then, it was your choice. Here are the answers, which for some reason you’re interested in knowing. (Good luck with that.)

Scoring: Give yourself a Bigfoot for each “correct” answer, a kiss from your sister for each “not wrong” and a radish for each “wrong” one.

1. If I could stop time and space for an hour each day, I would:
a. write the screenplay for F-Troop: The Movie that Senior Smoke keeps asking me to do. Wrong: If I completed this, it would make Senior Smoke very happy, and since when am I interested in doing that?
b. finish all those pesky projects I’ve been meaning to get to, you know, like cleaning out the basement, fixing the leak under the kitchen sink without duct tape or building a robot that would either do the laundry or take over the world (or ideally, both). Wrong: Taking over the world is my top real-time project, not some silly playtime fantasy.
c. do something truly productive, like learn to speak Star Fleet-quality Klingon. Wrong: I haven’t even mastered American-grade English after 47 years, what makes anyone think I could learn a second language with infinite time?
d. hunt down and exterminate pedophile priests and clowns. Not wrong: If I can figure out how to make the logistics work and get past all those nagging “laws,” this might have some legs.
e. run around setting up annoying pranks for when time re-starts. Correct: Come on—I’m thinking there’s some harmless fun to be had by having Rick Santorum wake up with a dead priest (and a clown or five) in his bed.

2. I think the greatest invention in human history is:
a. the intranets. Not wrong: Where else can you find news from around the world, access to the greatest works of literature, most of known history, real-time sports scores and unlimited celebrity flesh?
b. the twist tie. Not wrong: If you have something that better keeps bread fresh, please bring it to the table.
c. EZ Pass. Correct: I don’t think there’s anything that gives me more pleasure than zipping past the long lines of suckers sitting at toll booths and cutting to the front, waving my pass and driving on—even better are the places where you can pay your toll at 55 mph. Seriously, why isn’t this mandatory or just built in to every new car? We have the technology to make everyone happy—let’s use it!
d. indoor plumbing. Not wrong: A bear may do his business in the woods, but there’s no reason for me to.
e. the toothpaste tube. Not wrong: Despite numerous attempts and conflagrations that could level Iowa, I was never able to burn a toothpaste tube to cinders at Boy Scout camp, and for that reason, it has earned my enduring respect. 

3. My hero(es) is (are/am/could be/possibly):
a. Abraham Lincoln. Not wrong: Great, great man and maybe the best leader this nation ever had—the more I read about him, the more I wish there were more people like him around today. And that’s even before I knew he was so accomplished as a vampire hunter.
b. The Bloggess. Correct: She is crazy and talented in ways that I can only aspire to be, going from part-time write to full-time blogger to genuine literary success, and being absolutely entertaining every step of the way. The only things we share in common are the anxiety issues and bra size … and okay, not bra size. (Yet.) Her and Lincoln are two of the four at my dream dinner, although she probably would spend the meal locked in the bathroom.
c. Justin Timberlake. Not wrong: Ladies love J.T. because he’s sexy; guys love him because, even though he’s a superstar who’s romancing the hottest women on the planet, he’s not afraid to put his dick in a box; and kids love him because he’s not afraid to get slimed.
d. Joe Willie Namath. Not wrong: The greatest Jets player of all time always has a place in my pantheon.
e. Colin Mochrie. Not wrong: The funniest man on the planet always has a place in my pantheon.
f. Senior Smoke. Wrong: I said “biggest hero,” not “biggest fan.”
g. my wife & sons. Wrong: What? Those three dorks?! Really?

4. My favorite current activity is:
a. surfing the intranets. Not wrong: See the answer at 2a.
b. writing. Not wrong: Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I really like making crap up and sharing it with others.
c. running. Wrong: I HATE running … but I do it so I don’t drop dead in front of my kids. It’s that or getting fat, having my arteries clog shut and my heart a-sploding out of my chest like a Mythbusters water heater.
d. worrying about things I can’t control and/or my death. Wrong: This might be the activity I am engaged in the most, but it’s certainly not my favorite.
e. spending time with my family. Correct: What? Those three dorks? Really? Really.
f. not appropriate to list in a public space. Not wrong: *Insert your own mental image that will no doubt need some sort of brain bleach to remove.*

5. While attending Southern Connecticut State University, I was voted:
a. Most Likely to Succeed. Wrong: Did you really think this, even for a second? I just gave you a Bigfoot in the FAIL column.
b. Most Likely to Suck Seed. Wrong: This was a Pearls Before Swine-inspired bad pun, but as I read it now, it seems to have a different meaning. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.
c. Most Likely to Be Stuck with Abbie Hoffman’s Bar Tab. Wrong: There was no voting—this really happened to me and my buddy Steve as we were tasked with taking the former dirty yippie to Union Station in New Haven following a debate with G. Gordon Liddy. Once we were able to corral the impaired Hoffman into a car, he immediately wanted to know the score of the Monday Night Football game, and when we couldn’t tell him, demanded we take him to a bar so he could see the game and call his bookie. While there, between phone calls, he ordered himself dinner and a few drinks and stuck us—a pair of broke college students—with the bill. We then drove him to the train station, where the incoherent jerk ran from the car to train without so much as looking back or saying thanks.
d. Least Likely to Have His Shorts Shredded While Inadvertently Trying to Impress An 8-year-old Girl. Wrong: Again, there was no voting, although I would’ve won (third story).
e. Homecoming King. Wrong: Without my knowledge, my pal Chris actually entered me into the contest for Homecoming Court, and despite trying to campaign against it, I wound up coming in 3rd. Thankfully, it was *not* like “Toddlers & Tiaras,” although I may have gotten more votes if I had worn this outfit.
f. Programs Council Treasurer. Correct: Winner winner chicken dinner! Although it may seem to be a prestigious title and carried substantial power, I did find that most women were unimpressed. Remarkably.

So now you know even more about me than you did just a few minutes ago! And you thought today was just another boring day.