survival tips

So the other day I picked up my 12-year-old son from school. He gets in the car, and before I can start the engine, he turns to me and says, “Hey, I have some news.”

“Okay,” I say, thinking he’s going to tell me something about making the honor roll with his sterling report card or something about an art project of his.

“I have a girlfriend.”

To say that I was flabbergasted wouldn’t do justice to the proud history of the word “flabbergasted.” Shocked. Stunned. Gobsmacked. Insert your favorite synonym for “more surprised than Maria Shriver after intercepting a Father’s Day card from the maid’s son.” Luckily, the car wasn’t in motion, or I would have inadvertently driven across traffic and through the front of the local grocery store.

Not that there’s anything wrong with his announcement. It all seems fairly innocent, it’s just that I wasn’t prepared to hear it. He’s never really talked about the fairer sex, so I just always assumed he wasn’t quite there yet. For what it’s worth, he says he’s still more excited about fixing his old Dreamcast video game console by himself than this event, so there’s that. (For now.)

Of course, I immediately called his mother. “Are you sitting down?” I asked. She said she was in an elevator, which was close enough. When I told her, she didn’t scream “MY BABY!” and freak out, but by the time my son and I had gotten home, she had already scoured his Facebook page in search of “the brazen hussy who is coming between a boy and his mama.” Or something like that. I may be paraphrasing.

So wanting to be a good father, I thought that I should be supportive of the newest phase of my son’s life. Despite being married for 17 years—and having dated a bit before that—I don’t feel that I’m exactly qualified to give advice about love and relationships to anyone.

After a lifetime of being around women (grew up in a house with a mother and two sisters, worked in multiple women-heavy environments), however, I *do* feel that I can offer a few personal, general “observations” about the females of our species that may be of some practical use for navigating the deep waters of heterosexual relationships.

All just in time for Valentine’s Day!

Women, on the whole, are smarter than men. Sure, all the IQ tests demonstrate that when it comes down to intelligence, the sexes are evenly matched, but having watched them in action for decades, I can attest to the fact that although men may be adept at certain mechanical-type reasoning, women are often light years ahead of men in terms of navigating life, including social interaction, which is what it’s all really about when you get down to it.

Women enjoy having nice things said about them. See above.

Women remember everything. Not like all-the-lines-to-Monty-Python-and-the-Holy-Grail everything, but everything like the date you first met, where she first saw you, what you were wearing, what shoes she was wearing and if she was having a good hair day or not—and if she asks you if you remember, you dang well better have a pretty good handle on the details. As you move on deeper into your relationship, she will also recall (often years later) seeming innocuous things like, “Well, you liked this perfume when that little blonde waitress at the waffle house we stopped at on our honeymoon wore it.”

*Girls* like dangerous guys, jocks and jerks. Take a look at any high school—who gets the majority feminine attention? The captain of the football team, the “bad boy,” the spoiled rich jerk. These are the personalities and traits are ones that appeal to young females, maybe it’s that overdeveloped sense of confidence. Don’t ask me why—I’m not a psychologist, nor do I play one on TV.

*Women* like funny, nice guys. The good news is that girls grow up, and when they do, their tastes change. Call it “revenge of the nerds,” but the majority of women also realize the shallow qualities they found appealing when they were young suddenly aren’t all that attractive when later in life. Sure, they may watch movies and still fantasize about the bad boys, but they all almost prefer to hook up long-term with a regular guy with a great sense of humor. Speaking of—

Women have a different sense of humor. Exhibit A—

Guaranteed, the women reading this post skipped over this while the guys hit “play.” Seriously, I don’t understand why women don’t think the Stooges are funny, I just accept that they don’t.

To wit: Women will not always laugh at things that you think are funny—for example, while in college, my then-future wife was participating in a charity auction where they were “raffling off” RAs to be personal assistants for a day, and suggested that I should bid for her, to which I (somewhat jokingly) responded, “Why should I buy the cow when I can get the milk for free?” It took me a few chilly hours to explain the alleged humor in that one.

Don’t get between sisters. Fortunately, I learned this one watching others. Growing up, my sisters fought more viciously than anyone I have ever witnessed; in fact, I was in college before I realized that knock-down, drag-out fist fights between female siblings were not normal occurrences. Still, they might have beaten the brains out of each other on a regular basis, but that paled in comparison to what would happen to a hapless soul who crossed one of them and incurred their combined wrath. That pretty much extends to all sisters.

When it comes to gift-giving occasions, be prepared to be outdone. When celebrating his first Christmas with his new girlfriend, my friend John gave her a sweater; she gave him a VCR. This inequality stems from the reality that they are always a few step ahead of us, both in terms of where they think a relationship is and life in general (see “Women are smarter than men,” above).

The answer to any “Does this make me look fat?” type question is … There is no right answer, so don’t try to provide one under any circumstance. Just like Star Trek’s Kobayashi Maru, this is a no-win scenario designed to test a mate’s reactions and decision-making skills under extreme duress. The best one can hope to do is to determine what the deeper issue of the moment is and respond to that. To put it in practical terms, answering any question like this is akin to the moments immediately after Indiana Jones swapped in the bag of sand for the golden idol: fraught with life-threatening peril, chaos and the potential of being crushed—metaphorically and literally—by a giant boulder.

Women talk … a lot. Hey, as we all know, I was voted “Most Talkative” my senior year of high school, and even I can’t get in a word edgewise when my wife and her sister are engaged in conversation. The offshoot of this is that while filling up all that chatting time, women will talk about everything, including men. And believe it or not, it’s not always about how great we are. (No, really.) The daunting trick is being able to filter out the fluff parts of the conversation from the parts you may be required to know later. (See “Women remember everything,” above.)

Women really like cute things. Again, I don’t profess to get it, I just know that they’ll truly be more taken with a cat hugging its kitten than a last-second game-winning touchdown pass. Go figure.

Women are more competitive than men. Don’t mistake a general lack of interest in professional sports as not having strong competitive nature—most of them will tell you that they don’t dress up to impress men, but to impress other women. Some studies suggest that this is more than anecdotal evidence, and that women are more concerned with besting other women. In short, that short black dress isn’t to turn your head, but to turn her friends’ heads, so don’t flatter yourself.

Know how to … ring the bell. Let’s just say that women like to be made … really happy. Pay attention, learn what it takes, and when it comes time, ring her bell, ring it well and ring it often, if possible. You’ll be surprised at how many of your flaws may be overlooked.

Good luck!