virtual mascot?

You know, I don’t know how to really start this other than showing you this: a concert performance by Japanese pop superstar Hatsune Miku —

As you may have noticed, everyone at this real performance is an actual person—the guitarist, the drummer, the thousands of screaming fans—with the key exception of Hatsune Miku herself, who is a completely computer-generated creation.

Actually, to be technical, she is (as gleaned from Wikipedia) “a singing synthesizer application with a female persona,” developed by Crypton Future Media using Yamaha Corporation’s Vocaloid 2 synthesizing technology. Her name is taken from Hatsu (初, first), Ne (音, sound), and Miku (未来, future) thus meaning “the first sound from the future,” while her physical representation is typical Japanese anime—you know, stylized borderline pedo school girl art. Her voice was sampled from a real Japanese voice actress, but what gets done with it is up to the person using the program. Anyone can write music for the Hatsune Miku program, as there are over 100,000 songs out there, and her concerts feature tunes written by at least 20 different people.

Oh, speaking of which, “she” just sold out all four of her Tokyo shows—10,000 tickets—in hours at about $76 a pop.

Not a bad job for something that doesn’t actually exist. Then again, organized religions have been successfully peddling a non-existent product—pick your favorite god—for centuries, so is this really any different?

Some of you may already know of Hatsune Miku, and with my vast capacity for worthless pop culture and other unusual things, I’m trying to figure out how I never heard of her until the other day. Frankly, I’m embarrassed that this wasn’t even a blip on my raydar.

I didn’t realize that I was looking for one, but then I started thinking that Hatsune Miku might make the perfect mascot for rayality—a virtual, pop culture-friendly icon for representing a place that really doesn’t exist anywhere except in the ether of the intrawebz. But then I realized something very important:

I HATE EVERY SINGLE NOTE OF HATSUNE MIKU MUSIC!!

Really, I tried listening to a few different songs, and you would think with that many there’d be at least one decent tune in there, but no, it’s complete and utter crap to me. Crap! (And for the record, I do enjoy some modern pop music, but this is just sounds like auto-tuned dreck. Now get off of my lawn!)

Thus, I realize that if I want a mascot for rayality—and really, I think it might help with my branding and marketing efforts as well as provide an opportunity to create synergy in market shares in key demographics and whatever other douchebaggy faux business speak that no one understands but sounds impressive to potential investors blah blah profit margin blah—I need to search elsewhere.

A few obvious choices come to mind, among them:

A Melon Head – Let’s see if they are a match for me: Misunderstood creatures with potentially large brains? Check. Preference to live away from people in a Unabomber-like shack. Check. Tendency to abduct unsuspecting strangers for bizarre and possibly horrific purposes. Uh …. hmm … let’s see … I guess for the most part, no check. Next.

 

Bigfoot – A ‘squatch might be a good physical match—you know, aside from the big feet, height and purported strength. I also share the same “shyness” as the reclusive creature, i.e. we both don’t care for being captured on film, nor do we like people all that much. Now that I’m making those trips to the salon, however, the hirsute part of the equation is now lacking. And although I enjoy bacon, I’m not a fan of beef jerky. Next.

Nessie – The mystery creature that ignited my interest in everything curious and weird. I just don’t like sea food. Next.

 

 

Mr. Met – Okay, he’s already the mascot for another organization, but he does bring instant recognition and, and he also takes on outside gigs from time to time, such as ESPN SportsCenter commercials, “30 Rock” and even the occasional wedding. Actually, he might be too high profile for me. Next.

 

Perry the Platypus – Well, he is a semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal of action, and probably one of the coolest characters out there, you know, just like me. But he is also owned by Disney—there’s a good chance I could be getting a cease-and-desist letter from Mickey’s legal team for just even mentioning the idea. Next. Quickly.

 

Alien gray – I’ve been told that my brain is probably not of this world, and I’ve been probed at least once. I definitely love all things space—I’ve been reading Mary Roach’s Packing for Mars: The Curious Science of Life in the Void. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that although space travel sounds cool, there’s a lot of things that sort of suck about it: no showers, and no normal toilets, which is a problem if you’re as regular as I am. Next.

 

Zane’s “You Are Not” “YAY!” character – An obvious choice as it would make sense to take something from my most popular post ever—and by “most popular,” I mean I went viral and about 14 people saw it. The problem is that Zane is talking about a “substantial” rights fee for the future use of his characters, and that he knows an excellent attorney who would take his case against me. Next.

 

Senior Smoke – Hmm … no known pictures of my biggest fan/critic exists, and at this point, he hasn’t dared to show his face around here, so that might be the choice. A non-entity of a mascot for a place that doesn’t really exist. Winner winner chicken dinner?!

Of course, like Wisconsin, this is a pseudo democracy, so please feel free to vote for your favorite (in the comments), or to share any ideas, and I will pretend to consider them!

Thanks.