So as I’m wont to do, last night I started watching the two-part series “Are We Alone: Alien Encounters” on Science Channel. Unlike many of the alien- and UFO-related shows on Discovery, History, TLC, OWN, Biography, ID, Nickelodeon and The Food Channel, this one takes a more practical tack on the subject.
From Science Channel’s website:
Alien Encounters lays out a plausible hypothetical scenario for a first contact event. What would really happen if we got a message from space? How will humans react when we learn a spacecraft is on its way to Earth? Will humans learn from aliens, or become colonial subjects?
Some of the world’s leading astrophysicists, astrobiologists, sci-fi writers and and futurists help unravel the scientific, cultural and psychological impact of this world-changing global event.
Alien Encounters is made in cooperation with SETI Institute (the highly respected organization devoted to the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence), which was founded in the early 1960s by renowned astrophysicist Carl Sagan.
Sure, not the hardcore science behind a show like “Finding Bigfoot,” but a cut above, I’d say. (Oh, and if you haven’t seen the “season finale” of “Finding Bigfoot” via “The Soup,” I highly recommend it—laughing out loud, as the kids say …)
Anyway, as we know from my other website, life on other planets has long been a subject by which I’m fascinated. Now am I talking about little gray beings who are intelligent enough to have solved the complex challenges involved with intergalactic travel just so they could just traverse hundreds of light years to Earth to surreptitiously cut our cows in half and shove probes up the unremarkable anuses of trailer park denizens named Cooter?
No.
But with the trillions of stars and billions of planets, I think it’s safe to assume that there’s other life out there somewhere in the cosmos. Perhaps not sentient, intelligent life as we know it, but considering that there’s life in some harshest conditions on this planet—like extremophiles that exist along thermal vents miles under the ocean or in Courtney Love’s undergarments—it’s reasonable to say there’s SOMETHING out there.
Now, I know that in addition to our television and radio waves, various space agencies have been beaming messages into the vast reaches of space for decades. If there is an intelligent alien civilization out there monitoring the smorgasbord of communications we’ve unleashed on the universe—and they’re not hell bent on destroying or enslaving us, like Stephen Hawking suggests—then it’s entirely possible that they’re scratching their six heads in confusion.
As always, when humanity needs it, I’m here to help!
Here’s a message that I think needs to be sent across the black void of space. (Obviously, it may need to be sent in a few different languages and codes, but I’ll leave the nerds at NASA and SETI to work that out.)
“Dear Friends on The Other Side of All the Twinkly Things,
Hope all is well and that civilization is working out a little better for you than it is for us. As you may have noticed if you’ve been watching and listening to what’s going on here on the shiny blue speck near the yellowish dot, we’re having … challenges, as a few of us like to say.
Oh sure, if you’re monitoring us by our entertainment and news programming, it looks like all we’re doing is killing or procreating with one another, but that’s not really the whole story. (Although the procreating thing is big here.) The large majority of us who you will never see or hear about in “reality” don’t do things like mindlessly slaughter innocent others, wantonly engage in drunken fisticuffs or eagerly hunt for aquatic nourishment with nothing other than our unaided appendages. We’re actually pretty friendly and decent on the whole, once you get past our propensity for occasionally doing inexplicable things.
Unlike many others, I do not believe that you’ve been here already and left behind spurious things like pyramids, crop circles or the House of Windsor. As such, Earth may be a nice place for you to come visit—we have great beaches, some excellent tourist attractions and really, the gelato in Florence is out of this world. So to speak.
Of course, I understand that if you can understand this and are interested in coming here, you might be much more advanced than us, which might mean you have other motives for making the trip.
If you are coming across the galaxy for a snack, I would like to say that we don’t make good eating, but given our high fat content that’s probably a lie. If you do arrive here hungry, I have it on good advice that these are the finest of human delicacies, as you can tell by their fancy packaging—
Please make sure to enjoy your fill and ingest every bit of them, especially the females! They are finger-licking good, to use an old Earth motto.
If you are instead looking to enslave us, these are among the most ready to work as they have yet to do anything productive of which I’m aware.
Again, work them hard, work them often. Work them to death, if you deem it necessary—they owe it to the rest of us. (The little orange one also may make for good eating when you’re done working her, although that’s just an educated guess.)
Finally, if you are coming to pick out one of us for a inter-species breeding program, may I recommend this sturdy, fertile young female—
Although you might think that by her luxurious locks and soft features she’s a fragile flower, I assure you that she is not. Look at those broad shoulders and square jaw! Please feel free to repeatedly use your barbed genitalia in vigorous efforts at reproduction—she may protest a bit at first, but that’s only because she is shy. Don’t let that deter you, and keep at it until conception is achieved . . .
Okay, that’s what we call here on Earth “humor”—attempting to entertain or amuse with the goal of inducing laughter. Many of us here enjoy it from time to time as it helps us deal with the stress of our lives and prevents us from constantly wanting to kill each other. (The aforementioned attempts at procreation, if done correctly, can also bring about the same effect.) I hope you can appreciate my attempt at it as an effort to engender your appreciation.
Anyway, here is the proper young female you should choose for your breeding program.
I hope that clears up a few things about which you may have had questions.
I look forward to meeting you some day—you know, on pleasant, friendly terms, not while you’re feeding me to one of your young.
Nanu-nanu!”