my draft

So one of my all-time favorite events occurs this week: The NFL Draft!

I’ve been watching it live every year for decades (with the exception of last year, when I boycotted it in protest of the NFL lockout). I’m such a draftnik that I even went to New York City to see it in person back in 2008, when the New York Jets had the sixth pick overall and took pass-rushing linebacker Vernon Gholston out of the Ohio State University … who turned out to be an absolute bust. A workout warrior and not much of an actual football player, he is now already out of the NFL—you know, after getting paid $17 MILLION in three years because of his high draft position.

Nice almost-work if you can get it, right?

Okay, I know some—if not all—of you may be saying, “What’s so great about watching the grown-up version of picking teams in gym class?” I have no real answer for you. In addition to marking halfway from last season to this upcoming season, I guess part of the allure is sort of like Christmas in that you know your favorite team is going to get new presents/players, but you don’t know what/who they’re getting until the moment the name is called out over the public address system in Radio City Music Hall.

For me, the draft is also appealing because there are no real losers because every team will walk away with new players full of potential and hope. Like in the old Super Bowl commercial, the old season is over, it’s a new season again and very team is undefeated! Even the J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS!

The NFL Draft is also a lot like fantasy football, you know, except real humans are involved, and then they actually play football after they make teams. But the picking is the same. Sort of …

Anyway, I thought it might be nice to have my own draft, you know, to build my own fantasy blog team. Of course, there is no actual competition or opposing teams or even real logic behind this, now that I think about it …

Okay, let’s go with this: Since the NFL Draft has 7 rounds, here are 7 people from the intrawebz that I’d like to have here as part of team rayality,

1. Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess) – In all sincerity, The Bloggess may be the most entertaining person on the world wide web (after me, of course), and now that her first book is finally out and already in Amazon.com’s top 25 (and rising), she’s about to break through to the mainstream. Got to get her before she blows up, as the kids say. (Well, not *my* kids, but someone’s kids, somewhere. You know, cool kids.) She’s also my idol by turning her blogging into full-time independent success, and even managed to get random celebrities to take pictures of themselves hold twine, spatulas and more along the way. Now that’s true power.

Oh and while I was typing this, Jenny’s book Let’s Pretend This Never Happened just went to the #1 on The New York Times bestseller list. Talk about a top pick paying off quickly!

2. Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook) – Every great enterprise needs seed money to start, so who better to fund my virtual empire than the guy who launched the billion-dollar social network that currently rules the cyber world? Even without the Winklevoss twins, “Zuck” (that’s what his non-Facebook friends call him, I imagine) should bring something to the table.

And yes, I know you’re thinking that given his habit of possibly pilfering great ideas for his own, I think he might have a hard time trying to convince a jury that he randomly came up with something called “rayality.”

One a side note: I’m not sure if it’s come up, but I can’t claim credit for coming up with the term “rayality.” Back a century ago when I was working in financial aid, I was working with a woman named Denise. One morning after I went off on one of my patented “imaginative” tangents—I can’t recall what it was about, other than it must’ve been a doozy of some sort—she looked at me, shook her and loudly announced, “Dude, you’re brain is not right. It’s like you’re off in your own RAYality.”

It was literally like this in my head—

You know, without the god part.

3. Jeff Bezos (Amazon.com) – As you may have noticed, my “brand” isn’t very strong at the moment, and my “retail,” is, well, non-existent. With my CT Jerks book coming out in September, who better to have on my team to help promote it than the guy who runs the biggest bookstore in the world?

4. Josh Fruhlinger (The Comics Curmudgeon) – I like the funny, and like The Bloggess, Josh provides classic snark in heaping doses, although he brings it on a daily basis, which is no easy feat. Inspiration + Funny + Stamina = Exxxcellent.

5. Bent (The Jets Blog) – In addition to being one of the best and brightest football analysts anywhere, let alone in his native England, he’s also incredibly snarky and well-versed in subjects I often reference, including Mets beisbol and pro wrestling. And like The Bloggess, he’s also released his first book, although to slightly less fanfare (so far).

To let you know how much appeal and power Bent has: He has 144 Twitter followers despite never having tweeted. (Yes, that sound you heard is me grinding my teeth in jealousy.)

The additional irony of including him here in my first draft is that on The Jets Blog, there’s an annual contest where everyone is invited to try and guess who the Jets will draft. Every year, I put together a list of people that in the past has included the likes of The Honky Tonk Man (smacking people over the head with a guitar always has a place in the NFL), Jose Reyes (every team needs a speedster, even if it’s from another pro sport), Justin Timberlake (always a playah) and Lindsay Lohan (a wide receiver, from what we’ve seen). For some reason, I’ve never won—hard to believe, right?—but more importantly, Bent has sworn that he will never let me beat him. It only seems right that I have him here in my draft!

6. K8 & Steve (Damned Connecticut) – Gotta *officially* have my web master and my mentor on my team, right? K8’s also a great photographer and Steve sings like … well, like no one else I’ve ever heard. If you’re not following the two of them on Twitter, you’re missing out. If this writing thing doesn’t work out, I am getting a video camera and just recording them all day—they are that amusing.

This also makes it easier for me to “ghostwrite” for Steve … and by “ghostwrite” I mean that I come up with all the ideas and do all the work, but only because he lets me. That’s why he’s such a great inspiration and partner!

7. Senior Smoke (rayality) – It wouldn’t be rayality without my biggest critic to keep me honest, right? I’m sure he’s already pissed that he wasn’t #1. Maybe next time!

All right, not exactly The Avengers, but quite a team I’ve assembled … now if I only had some actual competition.