Now that I’m older than I was (thanks again for all the good wishes), it’s time to get cranky …
So as any of you who have enjoyed the wonderful fortune of riding along with the best driver on two continents [*cough cough ME cough*] can attest to, I am …. well, let’s go with *PASSIONATE* about driving.
Consequently, I truly love to be behind the wheel, and wish that many of the other drivers out there would share my … attention to detail … and … interest … in what occurs on the road. It’d be nifty if they—
Okay, enough of this charade!
Let’s get right to the point—there are two kinds of drivers out there: ME, and the rest of you fracking yahoos!
To help get the rest of you up to where I am, and thus make the motor touring experience more betterer for everyone, I propose everyone brushes up on these
5 SIMPLE DRIVING RULES
1. PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND FRACKING DRIVE!!! Seriously, if you don’t read another word beyond this sentence, just do me this one favor: PAY ATTENTION! You are handling a 2,000-lb. hunk of metal and glass that is capable of traveling in excess of 80 miles per hour and that can easily end multiple lives as a result of the simplest of operator errors. Please, despite thinking that you are special and the world revolves solely around you, I can promise that you are not; you are also not the only person on the road, so please concentrate on the task at hand. Chances are you are not texting the nuclear launch codes to the president or giving step-by-step instructions to Dick Cheney’s heart implant team, or anything of real importance. Just drive, baby.
2. When entering highway traffic in normal conditions, enter AT HIGHWAY SPEED! For example, if everyone is going 70 miles per hour—and you can damn well bet that every motorist is doing that on any given Connecticut interstate, at minimum—then the basic laws of physics suggest that if you try joining the flow at traffic at 40 mph (maybe because you are on your cell phone, are not paying attention or are some sort of brain-dead fracktard who got your license as a prize in a box of Moron Munchies), bad things will happen! Either you will be in an accident, cause an accident or cause the brain of the guy behind you (most likely me) to a-splode!
3. When you are turning right, it is *NOT* necessary to come to a complete stop first. Because they usually have the right of way, most times, there is absolutely nothing physically preventing drivers from making a right turn. Yet over and over and over again, when challenged with the prospect of moving their cars in a rightward direction, many drivers feel the inexplicable need to stop first, maybe because they feel that momentum will carry them straight rather than in the direction they intend. Hey Miss Daisy! See the big round thing in front of you? If you turn it with some effort to the right, your vehicle will go into the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly without you having to stop it first. Oh the simple joys of technology!
On a side note: Do not suddenly change the stopping rules to the road without telling anyone else. Look, I know you want to be nice and let that old lady and boy scout cross the avenue, but if you’re the only one who suddenly stops to do this and everyone else is still driving like normal, either you are going to wrecked from behind or there’s going to be a few extra seats at the bingo hall and the next pancake breakfast.
4. Please use your turn signals. You know why the Amazing Kreskin is so danged “amazing”? Because he’s the only who can fracking read minds! The rest of us have no clue that when you drift to RIGHT and slow down, it’s because you need to a wide berth to make a LEFT turn so that you don’t spill your beer or drop your cell phone—we assume you’re going to make a right turn and start to logically pass you on the left. Imagine our surprise when you suddenly speed up and go left? If only there was some way you could SIGNAL the rest of us as to which way you might TURN … OH WAIT THERE IS, AND IT’S ONLY ABOUT AN INCH FROM YOUR LEFT HAND! It takes more effort belch up half of your Taco Bell drive-thru burrito than it does to use your turn signal. Come on!
5. The left lane is for passing only. Section 14, section 230 of Connecticut state law dictates: “Upon all highways, each vehicle, other than a vehicle described in subsection (c) of this section, shall be driven upon the right, except (1) when overtaking and passing another vehicle proceeding in the same direction, (2) when overtaking and passing pedestrians, parked vehicles, animals or obstructions on the right side of the highway, (3) when the right side of a highway is closed to traffic while under construction or repair, (4) on a highway divided into three or more marked lanes for traffic, or (5) on a highway designated and signposted for one-way traffic.”
In other words, you are NOT allowed to just cruise along in the left lane at 50 mph because it’s easier to concentrate on your cell phone, you can’t be bothered to move over for entering traffic or you’re just too fracking stupid to live!!!
Okay, can’t wait to see you out there on the road, you know, so I can shake my fist and curse at you!
/cranky old guy rant, over!
Hope you don’t mind, but I only skimmed this post. I feel like I’m pretty familiar with this list already (though I’m very impressed you whittled it down to just 5!)
Road rage must run in the family because as I’m reading this I’m thinking…yea…Yea YEA…What the f— is wrong with people? How many times have I heard myself say: “Am I the only person that knows how to drive???” “Really??? moron!!!!” “Cheese & rice, get the f— out of my way” “The gas pedal is the one on the right, jackass!” and of course “GET THE F— OFF THE PHONE AND DRIVE!!!!” …..Or…it could be that I’m just a cranky old broad.
If I ever had any doubts about what runs in our genes–this confirms it!!! I could never have said it so well, but I agree that you hit my driving pet peeves. It’s amazing how much we think alike (at least on this subject).