So between periods of the Rangers-Devils playoff game and innings of the Mets-Brewers game, I found myself surfing past “America’s Got Talent” a few times. (Yes, my attention span is that fleeting.) Credit the Howard Stern factor—I think he’s a lot smarter than a simple “shock jock,” and knows how to entertain, or at least how to generate a train wreck that I’ll slow down to watch.
Anyway, as we know, I’m hardly one to judge singers, or dancers for that matter. However, I did find myself questioning the “talent” of a few other “performers,” such as the tattooed stay-at-home dad who was piercing his face with needles or the Robin Hood wannabe wielding a crossbow like he was auditioning for an Ed Hardy ad. Not that running sharp things through your jaw or popping balloons with arrows aren’t cool skills, I just don’t think of them as a “talent” that one is born with, such as being able to sing, play an instrument or hit a baseball 400 feet (without being jacked full o’ steroids).
“Skill” vs. “talent”—a semantic argument, perhaps? Maybe I’m just a word curmudgeon being too restrictive with a definition. Who cares what you call it as long as we’re entertained, right?
Howard Stern talked about how he appreciated that we lived in a country without restrictions that could foster so much creativity. I agree.
Now that I think of it, the producers of “America’s Got Talent” should loosen up the rules (you know, if there are any) because I think we live in the most talented nation in the world. As I continued flipping the channels, I realized that here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. have skills *and* talents that are unique and go beyond anything the rest of the world could hope to offer, even other than our greatness at bringing attention to ourselves—as those fun-loving young professionals from the coast of New Jersey amply demonstrate.
In fact, here are—
The Top 14 Talents of Which All Americans Can Be Proud
1. Modifying our bodies
What, are you saying that someone without talent can get their own TV show? Pffft. Come on. You’re just hating because someone has clearly made themselves better than you.
2. Dragging up logs from the bottom of swamps
Okay, for reasons I don’t quite understand, I find myself watching “Ax Men” on History Channel to see Swampman Shelby Stanga, who may or may not speak English but makes his living in crocodile-infested bayous, enjoys randomly shooting stuff and appears to be just a little crazier than a June bug juiced full of Louisiana hot sauce. But seriously, who else on Earth would even do this?
3. Eating crap
We’re still the fattest people on the planet, by far! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
4. Building trailer parks
There are one billion people in China and not a single trailer park. How do you explain that? They just don’t have that U.S. know-how!
5. Killing each other
Sure, there have been other killers in other nations as well as thousands of wars over the centuries, but here in America, it seems as though no one is quite as creative as we are, from Son of Sam and the Zodiac Killer to The Boston Strangler and The Derby Poisoner Lydia Sherman (who will be featured in more detail in Speaking Ill of the Dead).
6. Screwing up our children
7. Screwing up our children
Seriously, some people are so truly amazing at it, it’s worth mentioning twice.
8. Shooting stuff
From organized competitions (Senior Smoke needs to be on this show) to being among the top nations in firearm-related deaths (although not the top of the list—thanks South Africa!), the U.S. has a love affair with guns! And we’re not afraid to use them when necessary, and as Shelby showed in the clip above, even when not necessary.
9. Hunting ghosts & other paranormal creatures
When it comes to searching for “that which is outside the normal,” we have it covered: “Ghost Hunters,” “Ghost Hunters International,” “Ghost Adventures,” “Paranormal State,” “Paranormal Witness,” “The Haunted Collector,” “Fact or Fake: Paranormal Files,” “Ghost Encounters,” “Destination Truth,” and of course, my favorite, “Finding Bigfoot.”
When it comes to *actually* finding concrete, indisputable evidence, however …
10. Playing fantasy sports
If you can’t afford your own billion-dollar pro sports franchise, at least you can run your own make-believe team into the ground. I remember a few years ago, a friend who saw me eagerly pawing through my latest Fantasy Football Index remarked, “Oh, there’s a magazine for that?” *A* magazine?! There are hundreds of magazines and thousands of websites to support the millions of fantasy sports enthusiasts, like myself. And if you are lucky … er, I mean, especially talented, you might even win a fantasy sports championship (or two—again like me) and, more importantly, all the everlasting glory and respect from your peers that comes with it.
11. Overreacting
From the aforementioned “Tanning Mom” to breastfeeding on the cover of TIME to the fact that I can’t buy my son decongestant without a passport, retina scan and urine sample, no one overreacts like us overly sensitive and litigious Americans. Remember when sticks and stones broke our bones but names could never hurt us? Yeah, those days have gone the way of “the nappy-headed ho” and woe is anyone—comedian or not—who says something that accidentally possibly potentially could be misconstrued or twisted through politically correct prism glasses as an insult. You must apologize, ritually humiliate yourself, apologize, endure the tongue-clucking of the masses, apologize, enter rehab, apologize, perform community service, apologize, give up your first born and then apologize every time every day for the rest of your life as all the rest of the population—who, as we all know, have never made mistakes or said anything wrong—condemns you forever.
On a side note: Life should be interesting when my book that labels 15 former Connecticut residents (and one current blogger/writer/long-jump champ) as “jerks” comes out in September. I should probably start apologizing now.
12. Making fun of ourselves
Off the top of my head, I can name 100 quality American comedians/humorists, but outside of our borders, the numbers dwindle dramatically. Sure, the United Kingdom has offered some quality humor (Monty Python, Eddie Izzard, Benny Hill, Ricky Gervais) as has the Great White North (John Candy, Phil Hartman, The Kids in the Hall, and Mike Myers up until Goldmember), but the rest of the world? Señor Wences is dead and anyone who dare suggests that Yakov Smirnoff is “funny” is gonna get kicked in the uvula and banished to Siberia.
13. Handfishin’
This may or may not be related to our trailer park-building talents. But like Carly Simon sang, nobody does it better.
14. Hating
As I have said previously, if the “good” folks in North Carolina and other states want to prove that passing laws to ban gay marriage and civil unions is to “protect the sanctity the institution of marriage” and has nothing to do with overt hate, then it *only* makes sense that they should also pass laws outlawing divorce, right? Right? Right?
Right.
I’ll be here waiting, watching the other talented folk …