In my last post, I mentioned that in that old “What four people would you like to have dinner with” that two of my four would be The Bloggess and Abe Lincoln.
Well obviously, until someone works out the kinks of time travel [*cough cough Kade cough*], this probably isn’t going to happen …. unless … if someone does figure it out, they can COME TO GET ME RIGHT NOW FOR THE MOST SPECIAL DINNER EVER!!!!
[*looks around room hopefully …. waiting …. waiting … waiting … Bueller … *]
Or not.
Anyway, I suppose there’s a very remote chance I could still some day have dinner with The Bloggess, but the ship has sailed on Abe, you know, unless I check my Damned Connecticut connections for a spirit medium—
OR we’re in a place that’s not exactly “reality” … hmmm ….
Okay, I’ve studied Lincoln a bit, and after having actually interviewed personalities from Regis Philbin and Jane Fonda to Lisa Lampanelli and my one-time future wife Debbie Gibson for Connecticut Magazine, I think I have a decent handle on how a brief Q & A with The Great Emancipator would go.
Maybe something like this? (Work with me, people!)
Mr. President, this is an honor. I deeply appreciate you taking the time to chat…
I have nothing but time for an earnest muckraker like yourself, what with being in Heaven’s bosom for all of Eternity. Fire … er, ask away!
I like to keep my interviews light and varied, so in that spirit: Other than the obvious, what did you think of the play?
Uh … er … [*fidgets with collar*] Mr. President?
Okay … so …. maybe that wasn’t the best way to—
Ah, just having sport with you! I thought you wanted a bit of jest in our conversation. In regard to the theater, I was very much enjoying the performance—Lord Dundreary’s antics and verbal miscues, in particular—until the … unfortunate incident. I never got to enjoy the resolution of the narrative.
Asa marries Mary and gets that scoundrel Coyle to make amends for all his shenanigans.
Splendid! I’m sure it was a wonderful and worthy finale.
So, were you surprised by your death … I mean, the manner of your death?
I did not expect someone to put a broken hat on my mule, as you say nowadays.
Uh … excuse me?
I sincerely beg your pardon if I am butchering your modern vernacular. I think that’s how you say it now. Busted hat …
Wait! Bust a cap in your ass?!
Oh yes! That’s it. I’m not sure I understand your connection between heads and asses—back in my day, your ass was your posterior. We would occasionally infer that confused folks might have their heads entangled in their own posterior. I suppose that’s how it came about.
Uh, close enough. So what do you think of our current president? You had a large hand in it happening.
I am pleasantly shocked. Although I wholeheartedly believe that the Negro is entitled to the same god-given and social freedoms as the White man, I never thought him our equal, let alone superior enough to assume the mantle of commander-in-chief of this great republic. But that was seven-and-a-half score ago, and it is a testament to our great republic that such strides can be made. And to suggest that I played even a small role in this remarkable evolution of our society is humbling.
The current president is a fine orator, and would’ve been a worthy challenger on the campaign trailer, you know, if he wasn’t immediately lynched by those less educated or open-minded, which was much of the United States during my day.
Sadly, that hasn’t changed all that much in some places. Speaking of changes, what else surprises you about the 20th century?
Your mechanical advances are almost beyond comprehension—computing devices, handheld communication units, moving pictures, flying machines, rockets to other worlds, the little light that comes on in the back of the ice box … the strides in the field of medicine are also most remarkable—the maladies that took my beloved sons Eddie and Willie are easily remedied now. Your capacity for war and all its horrors have also far outstripped what I knew in my time. Likewise your … unabashed … expressions and demonstrations of affection.
Wrestling is also a lot different than when I was mixing it up with the Armstrong boys in Illinois. We just fought in the dirt—there weren’t so many exploding rockets and brightly colored underwear involved. We did, however, occasionally resort to the use of folding chairs to even up the odds.
Have you had a chance to see much of the United States as it is today?
What an amazing Arcadia! Granted, there are decaying areas that suffer from neglect and poverty, but the majority of the nation is truly a utopia. The wonderment of the soaring structures, the architectural complexities, the simple beauty of the common households … I am also impressed by the number of buildings dedicated to heroes, although there seems to be less of great leaders and more of fictional characters. I see that there’s a deep and abiding devotion to the work of Herman Melville, in particular.
Riiight. Speaking of great monuments, have you been back to Washington, D.C.?
It was refreshing to see someplace that I did recognize to some extent. The Capitol and White House are much improved, and the great mall is even more impressive than I recollect. The completion of the monument to Washington was well worth the wait. And before you ask, I did see the monument dedicated to me—I was thunderstruck by the majesty and scale of the artwork, and was moved by the thought that the American public considered me a subject for such a tribute.
That being said, I wouldn’t have minded being rendered in a more heroic, youthful pose. Maybe something with me standing over a bear that I had slain with my own hands, one arm curled up and the other pointed to the horizon. I’ve often seen this pose struck by one of your champion wrestlers, although I don’t think it would be dignified if I tore my blouse asunder as he does.
Speaking of heroic poses, you have two movies coming out this year—Lincoln and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Which are you more excited about?
That is quite the conundrum. Although I am still not comfortable returning to the theater, I appreciate the work of Mr. Day-Lewis, and am curious to see how such a fine thespian might portray me. On the other hand, who wouldn’t want to see themselves dramatically vanquish an army of Satan’s minions on the giant magic lantern screen? Looks like I’ll be busting a few hats in a few asses in that one!
Well, I’m looking forward to seeing both of them. Mr. President, thanks again for taking the time to chat. If I have any additional questions, can I shoot you an email?
For obvious reasons, I’d prefer not to be *shot* anything.
Oh crap, sorry!
No problem. Just hit me up on Twitter, dawg—peace out!
Okay, that’s probably not exactly how it would end. But you get the idea.