the friday five: hunting & gathering tips

Being the OCD-inclined freak that I am, I often have volunteered to do the shopping. As a mater of fact, I’ve been hunting and gathering since I was young.

Here’s a pic of me in action getting dinner “back in the day,” as the kids like to say.

You may not be amused, but my son is giggling over this picture—it's great to be 13, ain't it?

I also spent a few years working in a ShopRite during my college years, which I would recommend to my sons as a first job—the work is simple, the hours aren’t usually all that crazy, it’s always air-conditioned in the summer and there’s usually lots of young female cashiers. A win all the way around, as I see it.

As such, I’ve learned a great deal about the fine arts of hunting and gathering.  Being the generous sort, I thought it might be worthwhile to share some of wisdom—

Five Tips For the Grocery Store

1. The fresh stuff is always on the bottom or in the back. It’s called “rotating the stock,” and every store does it. The freshest bread, chicken, milk, peaches, cheese, bird food, etc. is always put below or beneath the old stuff in the hopes that those not paying attention will ignore the “Sell by” date and just grab whatever is most convenient or closest. Which is what pretty much happens—the store doesn’t have to take a loss on expired stuff while the customers can’t figure out why what they have is half-rotted or stale by the time they get home.

2. The most expensive stuff is always the easiest to reach. See #1. If you don’t believe me, pay attention to the “unit prices” on the shelf labels. The ones that are the best bargains are usually on the bottom shelf, and again, that’s no accident.

3. Don’t return bottles and cans on the weekend. You know, unless you like standing around a sticky, stinky vestibule—usually not heated in the winter or air-conditioned in the summer—waiting while everyone in the tri-state area is also trying to return their empties. If you really want to test your patience and stamina, try doing it the first weekend day after major holiday weekend (like tomorrow)!

4. Beware generics: You get what you pay for. Aside from the price, chances are you’re not going to notice much difference between generic fabric softener and name-brand fabric softener, but when it comes to things where quality counts—like in toilet tissue or razor blades—buying the real thing matters. Actually, when it comes to buying the Real Thing (aka Coke), buying the Real Thing matters. No one wants to drink Kola-brand cola. Ditto eating Chip brand chips or Kookie brand cookies. But bread, milk, sugar, flour or basic ingredients—have at it!

5. When picking a check-out line, look for two things over line length: a young cashier and single men shopping. A young cashier, either male or female, will always go faster than an older person for two reasons: 1.) unlike older cashier “lifers,” the younger ones want to get you out of the way so they can get back to texting their friends or flirting with the opposite sex cashiers/baggers; and 2.) single men shopping almost never write checks or use coupons, two line-slowing activities. They also never check their receipts and are unlikely to question prices, change their minds on items or have the cashier call a manager over to explain why they can’t get the sale price on 70 cans of Friskies cat food in their cart when the flyer says Whiskas cat food is on sale and they both end in “s” and aren’t they the same and can’t they get the sales price anyway because even though they don’t have their store card they’ve been a loyal customer shopping there for the past 26 years and their kids used to go to the same high school together even though they are two years apart and now my Klondike bars are chocolately puddles after listening to this and the manager still says “No, sorry, the Friskies are on sale” even though their cat can only eat Friskies because that’s what the vet told them since they had the kitty c-a-n-c-e-r and oh look, there’s a cleanup at register six where I’ve slit my wrists . . .

Now go forth and shop, my friends!