Okay, in honor of Father’s Day—another phony greeting card-store invention to guilt you into spending money to buy unnecessary crap for your dad, who really doesn’t want anything other to be generally left alone to read the paper while on the toilet, fall asleep while watching the ball game and have someone else cut the lawn (the right way, dumb ass!)—I thought it only made sense to give some love to my favorite fake dads.
For the record, I’m pretty disgusted with the general way dads are depicted on TV—the majority of them (from Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin to Tim “The Toolman” Taylor and Ray Barrone to every dad on every Disney sitcom)—are portrayed as absolute boobs. Really, flip through the channels some day and watch—almost 99 percent are some sort of helpless, clueless, bumbling idiot that no one in their right mind would’ve decided to start a family with. Okay, I get that it’s exaggerated for entertainment’s sake, but still …
Thus, all my favorite TV dads actually have brains (to some extent), have an air of authority and are guys who you’d actually want to raise kids.
Quick disclaimer/honorable mention: Cliff Huxtable and Andy Taylor almost made my list, except Cosby’s Cliff might as well be a unicorn: A doctor dad with FIVE reasonably intelligent and active kids yet has countless hours to hang around the house (did they have a fleet of nannies and chauffeurs we never saw who carted the kids around to their separate schools and activities?); and although Sheriff Taylor is a lot more realistic and compelling, I just never really loved the character or the show—I blame Goober.
Also just missing the list: Jay Pritchett of “Modern Family,” who I do like but sometimes I feel like he’s Al Bundy with a second chance. Go figure.
Anyway, here are:
My Favorite TV Dads
1. Howard Cunningham, “Happy Days”
Heyyyyyy, how could I not have Mr. C on the list? Hard-working, even-keeled, full of wisdom and confident enough to handle both the womanizing motorcycle thug who lived over his garage and the crazed sex kitten who shared his bed. (Please, like Mrs. C never snapped on the latex to diaper and spank Howard!) Granted, he never seemed to notice (or even miss) his oldest son Chuck, but he certainly was an emotional rock for Richie and Joanie, although I wasn’t under the impression he cared all that much for Chachi.
2. Mike Brady, “The Brady Bunch”
Long speeches, hair styles and fashion sense aside, here was another TV dad who was well grounded in reality who often made sure that he and his kids always strived to do the right thing. Here was also another guy who had to handle a sex-crazed wife (like Mike and Carol never swung with the Dittmeiers) as well as a womanizing thug who lived in his attic (Johnny Bravo? More like Johnny Horndog—heck, he even tried to bang his step mother and adopted sister!). Still, Mike was reliable, consistent and a zen presence in a toiletless house of chaos.
3. Jack Bristow, “Alias”
Who wouldn’t want “Spy Daddy” as their daddy? A hardcore, kick-ass super special agent who would do *anything* to protect his daughter, be it torturing or killing others, or using a spork to remove someone’s eyeballs. (Okay, he didn’t do the actual removing, he just talked someone else through it—close enough.) And for reasons that I will never forgive J.J. Abrams for, Jack made the ultimate sacrifice to save his daughter (and the world), although he was pretty hardcore right up until the end. (Sorry, hard to call spoilers for a show that’s been off the air for six years.)
4. Burt Hummel, “Glee”
Although I’m not the Gleek I was, it wasn’t because of anything that Burt Hummel did. An immensely likable blue-collar working stiff who never wavered in his love for his son, even after Kurt came out (still one of the better scenes in TV history—skip to 4:20 mark) and then continually acted like a little bitch. Still, he was at center of this scene, which still chokes me up and has ruined my favorite Beatles’ song forever. (Sort of.)
5. Red Forman, “That ’70s Show
My inspiration, which comes as no surprise to my wife, who has repeatedly heard me mutter, “I’m going to put my foot in your ass!” Seriously though, Red is another working class guy but has that angry edge I find myself embracing more and more as I get older—and which finds itself closer and closer to the surface when I’m dealing with my almost-teenage son, who I have referred to as a “dumb ass” on multiple occasions, like just last week when he carelessly left a bunch of papers home and I had to run from New Haven to Shelton back to New Haven in under 60 minutes, all during rush hour. Granted, Red wouldn’t have done this, but in my mind, I like to pretend I didn’t …
Anyway, enjoy the holiday—and that goes for you, Dad!
You score high on my list!