steve-a-thon 2012

The scene: A TV studio with a wide glitzy stage, a live band and a large, enthusiastic audience. To one side is a bank of phones manned by celebrities; on the other is an electronic tote board. In the middle is a lone, almost-desperate figure …

Ray [*wearing a blue ruffled tux and mopping his brow with a white neckerchief*]: Thank you for all again for stopping by Steve-a-thon 2012, our special benefit post where we are all getting together to try to help the beloved spiritual leader of Damned Connecticut—and my close personal friend and literary inspiration—Steve Frank!!!

[*cue “Applause” sign*]

Yes, Steve, who is suffering through a crippling physical ailment. No, he’s not the friend who has cancer that I wrote about recently, but I can assure you that Steve’s malady, although not nearly as life-threatening as cancer or a man cold, is a serious one nonetheless, and one that needs our support. Somehow, for the past few days, he’s been using every extra bit of his energy to e-mail and text me pictures about his brave battle against this physical blight, and how it would’ve utterly destroyed a lesser man. As you may or may not know, Steve, with his iron constitution and even harder musculature, is not a lesser man in any way.

His courageous wife Kate has kept me in the loop as to his struggles—just last night he thought he might possibly be knocking at death’s door, so he had her tweeting some of his transgressions to clear his conscience. How he’s carrying on is … well, just beyond me. I only hope that someday my sons are half the men he is. (You know, as long as it’s the non-afflicted half.)

Anyway, as you know, we’ve been going for the past 72 hours in support of Steve, putting together all-star entertainment and internationally renowned acts to help raise awareness of the situation. Heck, just the last hour saw right here on this stage the startling return of this TV legend …

Just an amazing moment. I’m still wiping away the tears …

So here in our final push, we have a special surprise featuring many of the important people in Steve’s life, all gathered to record a special song—one that I specially composed at Kate’s suggestion, and one that I hope Steve will be able to sing himself some day, but only if that golden voice of his is strong enough. Please, sit back and enjoy, and once you get the chorus, feel free to join in.

Oh, and of course, I am proud to present here, for the first time anywhere, the Steve-a-thon Against Shingles All-Stars!

[*A curious group shuffles on the stage to wild clapping and cheering, and when the audience calms down, a elderly woman with her hair pulled tight in a bun steps up to the mic. The band starts playing and she starts singing*]

Lorraine Warren: “It’s supposed to happen to the other guy,
Some jerk who makes the people cry
Not to a real man, who’s so undeserving
Whose Yankee loyalty is so unswerving—”

[*Lorraine steps back, waves her hand and the apparition of a familiar man appears*]

The ghost of Ed Warren: “At scout camp, he peed in the lotion
At the beach, he drank from the ocean
At a party, he wore invisible fence
But this time, it just makes no sense”

[*Ed dissipates, and two men in RotoRooter jumpsuits step forward—the crowd goes wild as they realize they’re seeing a special reunion. Each man sings alternating lines*]

The Ghosthunters, Jason and Grant: “Like Jeebus, he stands up to the pain
Like Gandhi, he mans up to the strain
Like Colbert, he’s incredibly brave
Like Busey, it’s him we need to saaaave—”

[*They step back and everyone joins in the chorus*]

“So we sing this shingle jingle
Before Steve gets it on his dingle
Let’s all sing this shingle jingle
To stop that uncomfortable tingle
So we sing this shingle jingle
Before Steve gets it on his dingle
Let’s all sing this shingle jingle
Before Kate ends up being single”

[*A large, hulking creature steps to the front, brushes back the hair from his eyes and sings with the voice like Andrea Bocelli*]

Bigfoot: “But a virus doesn’t know what it’s doing
And a virus doesn’t know who it’s screwing
So if it goes after a guy who’s an inspiration
It’s up to us to stop the devastation”

[*Next up is another guy with crazy hair and even crazier eyes, plus a little gray humanoid who signs along like the alien from the end of Close Encounters*]

Giorgio A. Tsoukalos: “It all started with a tiny red dot
But now his skin looks like festering rot
It all started with a tiny red rash
But now his skin looks like bloody hash”

[*Two guys clad all in leather step up together to alternate lines*]

Dan W. DeLuca & Don Johnson: “Like Chestnut, he can eat it all
Like ARod, he likes to ball
Like Mulder, he can believe
Like Bieber, the shingles gots to leeeave—”

[*The whole group hits the chorus again; to the side, Kate and Steve’s children wipe away their tears*]

“So we sing this shingle jingle
Before Steve gets it on his dingle
Let’s all sing this shingle jingle
To stop that uncomfortable tingle
So we sing this shingle jingle
Before Steve gets it on his dingle
Let’s all sing this shingle jingle
Before Kate ends up being single”

[*Three guys with douchey haircuts step forward*]

“Ghost Adventurers” Zak, Nick and Aaron: “SPAM and blisters
More pain than a thousand titty-twisters
Mystery meat and puss
Good thing he never likes to fuss”

[*Finally, another apparition appears, a flowing, haunting vision*]

The White Lady of Union Cemetery: “How can one man stand so much pain?
How can one man stand so much pain?
How can one man stand so much pain?
He is THE man, that’s how”

[*Everyone is back on stage, plus all of Steve’s friends and family, Gene Gene the Dancing Machine, Kelly Clarkson and the original Broadway cast of (Fisher) Cats*]

“So we sing this shingle jingle
Before Steve gets it on his dingle
Let’s all sing this shingle jingle
To stop that uncomfortable tingle
So we sing this shingle jingle
Before Steve gets it on his dingle
Let’s all sing this shingle jingle
Before Kate ends up being single”

[*Music fades as the credits roll ….*]

GET WELL STEVE!