back to school

So as another summer fades into the golden glow of my memories, it’s back-to-school time, which (on some level) means a renewed call for learnin’ stuff.

Now, unlike my 13-year-old son, I don’t profess to know everything. As best as I can tell, the universe appears to be an infinite place, and as such, comes limitless opportunities for gaining knowledge. Therefore, it only stands to reason that in the next few months, I should learn lots of new things.

Between now and the end of 2012 (or the end of the world, slated for December 21st), I hope to learn:

• the joys of physical education that allows my favorite NFL team to go undefeated.

• enough Korean to understand this song since I will not be getting it out of my head any time soon—

—or at least enough dance theory to get down all moves for it.

• the true meaning of “criminal justice” when a convicted pedophile is raped to death in prison.

• the language arts required to distinguish between the terms “legitimate” and “illegitimate” rape, and why anyone in their right mind would even think there could be a difference.

• the political science that will guide the American electorate to not be distracted by inane comments and instead demand that candidates run mud-free campaigns where they actually tell us their specific, detailed plans for our future.

• what would happen in a renewed national driver’s re-education where everyone suddenly put down their phones and obeyed the rules of the road.

• that through social studies the theory that reality is broken and that my kids’ video game skills will really somehow evolve into marketable problem-solving skills before they graduate college.

• that “The Jersey Shore” has been an dramatic experiment for years, that Snooki is this generation’s Meryl Streep, and that she didn’t really reproduce.

• that biological evolution prevails and that there really are people out there who care about children, and will step in so that we’ll never, ever, EVER again hear the name Honey Boo Boo.

• the economics that drive up the price of gasoline literally overnight on nothing but pure speculation, yet allow it to take weeks to drop down despite actual lower demand and an overabundance of supply.

• the science behind continued climate change that will make for another winter where I only have to break out my snow shovel twice.

• more Spanish, so I can communicate with my wife’s family beyond asking them directions to the library.

• the arithmetic necessary to be able to pay off my new car, save for college and retirement and yet find a way to install central air conditioning.

• the biology and physics involved with losing 15 pounds without having to run 10 miles a day.

• how to write an entertaining presentation before a book signing—actually, the deadline for this one is even sooner: I have to learn this before Sept. 30 at 2 p.m. when I’ll be at Written Words in Shelton. (Please come down!)

• the economic impact of becoming a writer who sells a bajillion books.

• the home economics of still being able to feed my family after not actually selling a bajillion books.