the friday five: attention whoring

Sep 072012
 

It looks like the Connecticut Jerks: 2012 Tour is starting to kick into gear, so if you want to be part of the action, here are

Five Public Ways to Get Aboard The Connecticut Jerks Bandwagon

1. Tune in to “Leatherneck & Lace” on WDRC (1360 AM/102.9 FM) “The Talk of Connecticut” on Monday, September 10 at 9:15 a.m. – My first live radio interview for Speaking Ill of the Dead: Jerks in Connecticut History—what could possibly go wrong? It’s not like anyone has ever said anything wrong on the radio that has gotten them in trouble … right? Gah.

Actually, my biggest fear is that as I get nervous, I talk faster and faster, so there’s a good chance I’ll sound like this guy.

Great radio, right?

Seriously though, it should be entertaining. I may be a little nervous, but that’s good because I tend to crack more jokes to settle myself down. Let’s see if the kids can keep up with me!

Wait, this is already only three days away! I’m already sweating profusely … *gulp*

2. Or tune in to “Talk of the Town With Larry Rifkin” on (WATR 1320 AM) at on September 24 at 12:30 p.m. – Assuming I don’t get banned by the FCC, I should be a radio vet by this point, so I should be chattering at a rate only akin to playing a 78 rpm record backward. (Google it as you’re getting off my lawn, punks!)

I’ve actually been on Larry’s show once before for an article I had written in Connecticut Magazine about business in Connecticut—trust me when I tell you, I know a helluva a lot more about jerks than finance. Yay me!

3. Read the New Haven Register or Seasons Magazine – I’ve already done interviews with both of these publications about the book, but I don’t know the exact date either will be published, although the Register story may be either this weekend or next.

The funny part about the Register interview is that I got an email last Friday from reporter (and my new bff) Jim Shelton asking me if I was “in the area” and could talk? “In the area?” I responded. “I’m literally in the office upstairs!” I guess he had seen the book and thought it would be a fun story, not even realizing that the author was an editor at Connecticut Magazine, the Register’s sister publication housed in the same building. “Sorry, no corporate synergy,” he said. “I thought it was worthy on its own.”

Nice!

4. Come to my “book launch” party at Written Words in Shelton on September 30 at 2 p.m. – Yes, I know that is right in the middle of Jets game—sorry, I haven’t reached the stature of The Bloggess, so I have to take the slot whenever they want me to show up. (I’ll be DVRing the game, so please, don’t text me or tell me what happens—and that means you, Senior Smoke and Steve!)

If things go to plan, I’ll give a 20 minute or so talk, answer a few questions, and then sign some books. Easy peasy lemon squeezey, right? I will also be happy to sign anything else anyone brings—t-shirts, posters, subpoenas, copies of the Constitution, old Partridge Family albums, very small rocks, churches, live badgers …

I assume that on a Sunday afternoon in the fall, there will NOT be a lot of NFL fans in attendance, but that’s okay—they can always just order the book via Amazon and read it during halftime.

5. Check out the “Lunch & Learn” program at the Guilford Public Library on October 16 at noon. Just booked this one yesterday. Apparently I’m going to talk for like EVER (or 40 minutes) and then answer questions.

I’ve been told they get good crowds for this—I’ll make sure to put an end that!

No seriously, this will be another good event at a great place. They asked if I had any A/V requests—I don’t suppose a tape of the greatest matches in the history of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling playing in the background is what they had in mind, although it would add …. uh … another dimension to the proceedings. (For the record, my favorites were Chainsaw and Spike, The Heavy Metal Sisters)

Anyway, as always, thanks for checking out my stuff and I hope you get a chance to enjoy one of these!

 

 

jerk of the week: blue sky mining for jerks

Sep 052012
 

How about a little musical accompaniment for this week’s jerk?

Ah, Midnight Oil … who *is* going to save you?

Certainly not this week’s JERK OF THE WEEK, who thinks there’s nothing as precious as a hole in the ground …

GINA RINEHART

If you’re not familiar with this charming sheila from the land down under, Rinehart is one of the richest women in the world, earning an estimated $600 PER SECOND from the mining concerns she’s inherited from her father, the late Lang Hancock. She currently has a net worth of about $18 billion, but that number continues to increase rapidly. She’s single, for what it’s worth … which apparently is quite a bit.

Anyway, simply being rich doesn’t make one a jerk—if it was, to paraphrase Rep Tavier from Fiddler on the Roof—I should be so cursed. No, Ms. Rinehart earns this week’s title for apparently not having enough money.

From NPR:

Nothing ignites controversy like having one of the world’s richest women tell her fellow Australians that they need to cut labor costs in order to compete with Africans who are “willing to work for less than $2 a day.”

Georgina “Gina” Rinehart, who the BBC says earns about $600 a second from the mining company she inherited, says in a video she posted on the website of the Sydney Mining Club that Australia is just too costly for businesses such as hers and that she worries “for this country’s future” because it’s so much less expensive to mine and manufacture elsewhere.

“Business as usual will not do,” she says, in the pitch for lower taxes and creation of a special economic zone.

Apparently, the 1 percent isn’t confined to the good ol’ U.S. of A.

Here’s the full video where she essentially tells Australians that she’s may not be able to afford to do business in their country any more if workers insist on being paid living wages. Nice.

Well, she has clearly struck jerk gold here in rayality. Enjoy!

And if you want to mine for jerks, can I recommend Speaking Ill of the Dead: Jerks in Connecticut History, which comes out on Sept. 18. Dig deep in your pocket and pre-order it now at Amazon.com.

back to school

Sep 032012
 

So as another summer fades into the golden glow of my memories, it’s back-to-school time, which (on some level) means a renewed call for learnin’ stuff.

Now, unlike my 13-year-old son, I don’t profess to know everything. As best as I can tell, the universe appears to be an infinite place, and as such, comes limitless opportunities for gaining knowledge. Therefore, it only stands to reason that in the next few months, I should learn lots of new things.

Between now and the end of 2012 (or the end of the world, slated for December 21st), I hope to learn:

• the joys of physical education that allows my favorite NFL team to go undefeated.

• enough Korean to understand this song since I will not be getting it out of my head any time soon—

—or at least enough dance theory to get down all moves for it.

• the true meaning of “criminal justice” when a convicted pedophile is raped to death in prison.

• the language arts required to distinguish between the terms “legitimate” and “illegitimate” rape, and why anyone in their right mind would even think there could be a difference.

• the political science that will guide the American electorate to not be distracted by inane comments and instead demand that candidates run mud-free campaigns where they actually tell us their specific, detailed plans for our future.

• what would happen in a renewed national driver’s re-education where everyone suddenly put down their phones and obeyed the rules of the road.

• that through social studies the theory that reality is broken and that my kids’ video game skills will really somehow evolve into marketable problem-solving skills before they graduate college.

• that “The Jersey Shore” has been an dramatic experiment for years, that Snooki is this generation’s Meryl Streep, and that she didn’t really reproduce.

• that biological evolution prevails and that there really are people out there who care about children, and will step in so that we’ll never, ever, EVER again hear the name Honey Boo Boo.

• the economics that drive up the price of gasoline literally overnight on nothing but pure speculation, yet allow it to take weeks to drop down despite actual lower demand and an overabundance of supply.

• the science behind continued climate change that will make for another winter where I only have to break out my snow shovel twice.

• more Spanish, so I can communicate with my wife’s family beyond asking them directions to the library.

• the arithmetic necessary to be able to pay off my new car, save for college and retirement and yet find a way to install central air conditioning.

• the biology and physics involved with losing 15 pounds without having to run 10 miles a day.

• how to write an entertaining presentation before a book signing—actually, the deadline for this one is even sooner: I have to learn this before Sept. 30 at 2 p.m. when I’ll be at Written Words in Shelton. (Please come down!)

• the economic impact of becoming a writer who sells a bajillion books.

• the home economics of still being able to feed my family after not actually selling a bajillion books.

 

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