clearly, i’m an attention whore

In case you haven’t had enough of me yet, I have four (technically five) more turns in the spotlight this week:

• On Monday, December 3, at 3 p.m. (with re-broadcast at 9 p.m.) on “The Faith Middleton Show” on WNPR. We recorded the show last week, so I can tell you that it went pretty well—we start right out of the box talking about my favorite Connecticut jerk, William Stuart, who Faith said was her favorite also. It was also really nice to talk to someone who had taken the time to really read the book! Most times, I’ll talk to someone who has skimmed the book, so it was great to be able to chat in depth with Faith. When I arrived in the studio, she told me, “You know, at first I said, ‘I love Connecticut Magazine, so oh, of course we’ll have Ray on to support him,’ but then I read the book, and I have to say, I love this book! I howled out loud at some parts—it’s great! Very entertaining.” Instantly swollen ego, check!

• On Monday, December 3 at 8 p.m. on “Literary New England” with Cindy Wolfe Boynton – I recorded this interview about two weeks ago, and it was going to be broadcast last Monday, but apparently something came up and it will be on this Monday—so you can fill your Monday night up with me! Sounds like the *perfect* recipe for sweet dreams …

• On Tuesday, December 4, at 7 p.m., I will be at the venerable RJ Julia Booksellers in Madison. As much as I joke about my “literary prowess,” being at RJ Julia is akin to playing Madison Square Garden or Carnegie Hall—it means I’ve made it as a writer! Of course, if no one shows up to hear me talk, there’s that whole “If an author flops in a bookstore, has he made a noise?” question. Another day, another day …

• And on Saturday, December 8, from 2 to 4 p.m. I will be at Bank Square Books in Mystic. I’m excited for this as Bank Square was heavily damaged by Hurricane Sandy—having a book-signing event means that they’ve recovered enough to open up, but they still are getting back on track, so if you can, please stop in and help support them!!!

Whew!

Of course, this all comes on heels of the other interviews and articles since September, including:

• Jaki’s Buzz – With my new BFFs, The Grimm Generation.
• WPLR’s “Chaz & AJ” – Only the second half the interview, but it’s better than none, right?
• The New Haven Register – With another new BFF, Jim Shelton.
• Plus other interviews on “Leatherneck & Lace,” “Talk of the Town” and Seasons magazine …

Oh, and let’s not forget the public appearances—at the Guilford Public Library, the UConn Coop and Written Words in Shelton, where all this attention whoring tour all started.

Just crazy. Really. I can’t believe I’ve done all these things when the only real public speaking gig I’d ever done before any of this was one talk for a women’s book club in Darien and a cable access TV show. Oh, and to this day, what I refer to as the most nerve-wracking appearance ever: In front of my son’s 4th-grade class. Awful! I was beyond nervous and sweating like Ted Striker trying to land an airplane.

Surely, I’m not kidding.

I also can’t get over the fact that all these different outlets have been interested in the book. I guess the title is catchy—as I like to say during my talks, we all enjoy the train wrecks; no one watches the show “Cops” for the cops.

Still, I absolutely cannot acclimate myself to being the center of attention, however brief it may be in these situations. As a few of you know, I am naturally very shy—especially in group-type situations. The first year I was at the magazine, I really didn’t talk to anyone, hiding in my office and trying to hide from everyone how ignorant I was to writing, editing and the publishing process. Heck, it took me about three years before I even started talking to the woman who is now my work wife, Moosey!

Going to any place where there’s a crowd and I’m by myself is tough. This past weekend it happened as I went to a bar by myself to watch a great show (with both Chris Bousquet and The Grimm Generation). I got there early and even though I know Chris and Jason and Carmen were playing so they’d eventually be there, and my old college pal Steve was meeting me there, too, I was freaking out while sipping my soda and cowering in the corner trying not to make eye contact with anyone until someone I knew showed up. Pathetic, right?

But yeah, I’ve always struggled with these scenarios. I’ll never forget my terror the first time I attended a large function with my wife’s family. It was her college graduation party, and all her relatives—aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.—were at her house. Have I mentioned that her father has 11 brothers and sisters, almost all of whom were married with kids at the time and many of whom look alike? I arrived and my wife introduced me to one of her aunts, and then wandered off, leaving me with dozens of people who all knew each other very well and were more than happy to torture the newcomer. Total nightmare! I mean, it turned out fine as I’m still in the family 22 years later, but I’m sure my anxiety took a few years off my life. (Hopefully, they’re just the years around 99, so I won’t miss them so much.)

One last story. Back in high school, I started dating this girl, and I was eventually invited to her house for Sunday dinner to meet the family. Now, she was the youngest daughter and all her siblings were very well known at Jonathan Law High School in Milford—every child was either a star athlete or just incredibly popular, or both. Oh, and her father was a respected principal, which only ratcheted up the intimidation factor.

Well, as you might guess, I was already nervous about meeting her parents to start, and it was even though they were all incredibly nice, it was very scary for me sitting at the table with all of them, and it must’ve shown. At one point, her father turns to me and says in his best principal’s voice, “Raymond! Pour me a glass of soda.”

After I got back into my skin, I reached for the bottle on the table and started to pour soda into his glass.

“Raymond! What are you doing?!” he exclaimed. “I said, ‘Pour me a glass of soda!!‘”

I started freaking out and looking around, making sure I had the right bottle in my hand, which I did. “B-b-but I am pouring a glass of soda,” I whimpered. I started to pour it again.

“NO!” he shouted. “I said, ‘Pour me a glass of soda!!'”

I stammered, “But I am … pouring… you  .. ”

“NO!” he shouted again with that trained voice. “I said, ‘POUR ME A GLASS OF SODA!!!'”

I put the bottle down and almost started to cry, at which point he—and everyone else at the table—burst out laughing. “Oh Ray, I’m sorry,” he said. “I was just messing with you. You looked so nervous. I had to do it.”

Of course now, it’s hysterical, but the truly great part is that I’m pretty sure I would still fall for this 30 years later. Probably why I’m not so great at being an attention whore.