the friday five: what i could’ve been

So with the end of the world coming any moment now and the black abyss of Nothing potentially staring me in the face, I find myself, like many, thinking of all the different ways my life could’ve played out.

Remember when you were a kid and you had dreams of what you wanted to be when you grew up? Well, I haven’t exactly grown up, and I’m pretty happy with the way things have gone, but I do remember some of those dreams ….

In fact, here are

Five Jobs I Wanted to Have When I Was a Kid
(and still might consider now)

1. Stunt man – Yeah, being a child of the 1970s Evel Kneivel definitely was an influence. I mean, freaking look at him—

How could he not have an impact on any self-respecting impressionable youth? Cavalierly courting danger, the red-white-and-blue jumpsuit, the cape—he had a freakin’ cape, people—the ladies. Oh, and throw in a freakin’ ROCKET CAR!

As I saw it, it was a short jump from daredevil (which did seem a bit reckless) to stunt man, which seemed like a more “stable” and realistic lifestyle. I remember teaching myself how to fall and roll, throwing myself over fences and furniture perfecting my technique.

Oh yeah, and seeing Hooper may have had something to do with it.

2. Professional bobsled driver –

I’m still not sure if this is an actual paying gig, but I’m pretty sure 100% positive I’d do it for free if given the opportunity.

One of the things I loved as a kid was sledding in the snow. So when I saw bobsledding—a big sled going ultra fast down an uber amazing iced course—during the 1976 Winter Olympics, I was immediately smitten. Sure, there were other cool winter sports like ski jumping and curling, but bobsledding seemed like the most badass of them all. You got to drive wicked fast, the course went sideways at times, and unlike luge, you didn’t have your junk on display in a lycra bodysuit for the world to see, where it looked as though you were trying to smuggle wiener schnitzel over the Austrian Alps.

3. Private detective – This time I was influenced by literature, and three great fictional detectives whose stories I enjoyed—Sherlock Holmes, Ellery Queen and … Encyclopedia Brown.

(How Bugs Meany never ended up in juvie, I don’t know … although he did eventually get his revenge.)

I loved mysteries and attempting to solve them—you know, without reading the answers in the back of the book. But the idea of helping people and foiling the bad guys was always very appealing.

Pop culture also influenced me a bit—TV shows like “The Rockford Files” made the life of the private dick like look exciting and fun. Plus, Jim Rockford has the best theme song and the coolest car, for the 1970s.

4. Jedi knight –

You know, when they were still cool before the whole whiny, murderous Anakin Skywalker thing in the accursed prequels sort of ruined it for everyone.

5. TV/Movie director – Obviously, I was raised on TV and movies, and enjoy telling stories and expressing myself with images, so this seemed to be a natural course for me. For numerous reasons, I never quite got myself going in the direction of film school, and although I was a communications major, I was too scared to really jump into the video production aspect of it.

Still, I dreamed of making *REALLY COOL* movies. I also fantasized of how I would sneak into a theater and sit in the back—I’d see a trailer run proclaiming “FROM THE MASTER OF RAYALITY” and then hear the audience break out into spontaneous applause because they’d know every film I made was fracking awesome.

In a way, I guess writing is like directing—you know, just without all the cool moving pictures that people seem to be fond of nowadays, and the spontaneous applause. I suppose you might argue not all of my “productions” are fracking awesome, either. Oh well …

At least I can have control over shaping the narrative of what you read. And although I don’t have a cool clapboard, I do get to decide when it’s time to say, “CUT!”

Print it.