oh, (cold) snap!

If you’re anywhere along the East Coast of the United States today, no doubt you are painfully aware that IT IS FREAKIN’ COLD OUTSIDE!

How cold is it, you ask?

It’s colder than …

… the reception that Chris Rock gets when he walks into a Klan rally.

… sleeping between Bill and Hillary Clinton.

… a three-way with Manti Te’o.

… your mama offering Lay’s on the corner.

… clubbing a baby harp seal on Christmas morning.

… Frosty’s left nut.

… Bill Belichick’s heart.

… trying to sell freezers in Siberia.

… Vanilli’s singing career.

… Polar Bear Appreciation Day in downtown Point Barrow.

… Ladies Drink Free night at the national NAMBLA convention.

… being dumped by the Abominable Snow Man for Larry King.

… trying to have sex while Gilbert Gottfried reads Fifty Shades of Grey. [NSFW language]

… the North Pole on Free Snow Cone Day.

… a Lady Gaga concert at the Vatican.

… ice skating naked at Rockefeller Center while Stevie Wonder watches.

… the Hitler picture booth at the Jerusalem Winter Carnival.

… Lindsay Lohan’s Oscar chances.

But yeah, it’s cold.