As you might’ve heard, there’s a big football game this weekend.
I’ve already stated who I think should be part of the festivities, a performance that unfortunately doesn’t appear to be happening. Well, this year, anyway.
But regardless, they will be playing the game and a billion or so of us will be watching. And although we will (hopefully) bear witness to an exciting and competitive contest as well as dozens of expensive commercials, here are
Five Things You Won’t See During Super Bowl XLVII
(or Super Bowl 47 for those of you who didn’t have three years of Latin—thanks Mr. Kunsch!)
1. A butt fumble
(click to relive the hilarity/horror)
Man, that will haunt me to my grave.
2. Anyone daring to wear a white fur coat on the sideline, let alone making it iconic.
I also doubt anyone will be making legendary guarantees, you know, because there’s only *one* Joe Willie Namath.
3. Morganna the Kissing Bandit
Which is probably just as well as Morganna is now pushing 80 and probably those ridonculous size 60s breasticles in a cart.
4. A rocket car or sky cycle
Although would it hurt to have one to shoot off at halftime? Maybe it can be loaded with a superfluous NFL player, maybe the (soon-to-be-former) starting quarterback of the team that humiliated itself the most this year? (See No. 1)
5. A live giant squid
Okay, nerd alert! (Although as soon as you click on this site, that’s pretty much a given.) Last week, the Discovery Channel ran “Curiosity: Discovering the Giant Squid,” which chronicled the massive hunt for one of the most-elusive creatures on the planet, the giant squid. Dead giant squids and pieces of them have been found for centuries, but no one has ever seen a living one until last year—which turned out to be an ultra cool, ultra geeky experience. Watching it, it’s easy to see how they were mistaken for sea monsters—release The Kraken!
So although you’ll see enormous specimens of our species, and piles of bodies with lots of arms sticking out of it, it won’t probably haunt your nightmares like the giant squid.
On the flip side, watching a giant squid isn’t an excuse to eat nachos and quesadillas, so there’s that, too.
Enjoy the game!