Okay, so what have we learned from Winter Storm Nemo/Charlotte the most recent “STORM OF THE CENTURY”?
Let’s see …
1. The next winter storm will:
a. be named Ratatouille.
b. have thunder, lightning, rainbows and sparkle snow.
c. feature a shower of zombies.
d. be THE STORM OF THE CENTURY!
2. People measure snow because:
a. it gives them something to do while waiting for Mr. Plow to come along.
b. size matters.
c. they are losers.
d. they want to something to lord over the heads of their grandkids someday.
3. Which elusive and possibly mythical creature did I spot in my yard on Saturday?
a. The Abominable Snowman.
b. The Wendingo.
c. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
d. My wife with a shovel in her hand.
4. Speaking of my wife, she decided to go running outside on Sunday because:
a. she is training for the New York City half marathon in March, and didn’t want to run 10 miles on our treadmill.
b. she’s crazy.
c. she hoped that she might find an open package store where she could buy wine as we were out.
d. she’s F’N crazy.
5. This picture of the road in front of our house:
a. shows our mailbox (that black square near the middle left) on Sunday afternoon, more than 30 hours after it stopped snowing.
b. shows that we “won” the “Who got the most f’n snow?” challenge.
c. shows that the city plow still hasn’t come and we’re not going anywhere any time soon.
d. shows that we screwed, and should figure out which family member we’ll be eating first (although the preliminary discussion seems to indicate that there’s a consensus that “the oldest and fattest” go first, which is not good news for me other than the rest of my family *finally* agrees on something).
6. The most entertaining thing from the blizzard was:
a. seeing my neighbor Angie shoveling off the roof of her house while her husband Gino sat in a lawnchair in the yard, drinking a few beers and taking pictures.
b. seeing tweets and texts from my friend Kate—who always mocks me for loving summer and suggests that winter is better—that included gems like, “I’ll bet you wish you were a prepper like me” followed the next day by “Wood for stove buried under 4 feet of snow, husband puking and less than a 1/8 tank of oil” and “Husband is puking and I can’t leave the babies to shovel my car out. Meanwhile, the neighbor has two plows and plowed HIS FRONT LAWN.”
c. getting giddy texts from my friend Steve (Kate’s husband) in the run-up to the storm declaring that the found a gas station that was selling 99 cent tuna grinders that they made right there in the station sink! Hmmm … probably no relation to the puking later.
d. knowing that my sons were as miserable as I was—if not more so—when we were removing the snow from the driveway with 40 mph wind gusts blowing it back in our faces.
7. The most frustrating thing from the blizzard was:
a. watching the cars going up and down the main road that we live off of, which is “only” about 100 feet away—100 feet packed with snow 3 feet high!
b. not having enough Grey Poupon on hand.
c. not having invented the totally awesome flamethrower/snowblower like I dreamed about doing while I was a kid shoveling snow.
d. having to admit that for once that the seemingly always hysterical weather forecasters weren’t overestimating potential accumulations.
8. The next time it snows, I will:
a. make sure to buy as much bread, milk, pudding mix and Coca-Cola as I can carry.
b. *NOT* stock up on 99 cent gas station tuna grinders, made in the sink or not.
c. have my flamethrower/snowblower built and ready to test out on my driveway—what could possibly go wrong?
d. turn off my phone before my sister the whore who lives in Miami can call me to tell me that it’s sunny and warm there, and she’s laying out at the beach (hopefully getting more wrinkly than Abe Vigoda’s ass).
9. True or false:
If there is a Hell, it is not hot like a tropical paradise or a pleasant sauna, but instead a miserable frozen, snow-covered wasteland like my freaking front yard.
10. Snow:
a. blows.
b. sucks.
c. is worse than being crammed in a clown car with John Wayne Gacy, Emmit Kelly and Pennywise.
d. freaking blows, sucks and is worse than being crammed in a clown car with John Wayne Gacy, Emmit Kelly and Pennywise—have I mentioned that I HATE SNOW?