Things I’m pretty sure I’ve never said to myself:
“Hey, that clown looks sad—maybe I should go over and give him a hug?”
“Huh … I could’ve sworn I left the body here.”
“I don’t know what tastes worse—my right foot or my left foot.”
“I wish the two Coreys had made more movies together.”
“I can’t believe I’ve waited this long to get a Brozilian.”
“This is the best. damn. opera. EVER.”
“Wait—there are desserts on the menu that don’t include chocolate.”
“Funny, but that shot to my balls sorta tickled.”
“Why aren’t there more Rosie O’Donnell nude pics on this site?”
“Good thing the driver of this car right in front of me is slowing down so that they can text properly.”
“Whew—I was worried that the Yankees/Patriots might lose that game!”
“Wow, I really can write.”