So I couldn’t help but ignore the fact that after I wrote about how eagerly I am anticipating spring this week, Mother Nature decided to take a big white dump all over the Northeast on Monday night. Not only did she make a mess, but she made me miss a lecture being given by one of my favorite people, Dr. Kenny Feder.
Spiteful bitch!
Thus, as I was shoveling the sloppy mess out of my driveway on Tuesday morning, I thought it was time to channel my best Reb Tevye and have A Chat with Mother Nature . . . .
Me: So, I can’t help but notice that despite everyone wanting to move on to Spring, you’re insisting on keeping the dial cranked up to 11 on winter.
Mother Nature:
Me: Yeah, that’s what I thought you might say, which is fine. I didn’t figure you owed me an explanation as to why you would continue this aberrant behavior. I’m guessing you’re still pissed about the whole global-warming, climate-change thing, and that’s why you’re choosing to smite us with multiple hurricanes, blizzards, earthquakes and all sorts of extended nasty weather, right? That, or you’re still angry over the whole Chiffon incident. Hey, I wasn’t involved with that! No need to hold a grudge.
Mother Nature:
Me: Ahh, okay. You’re acting just like I would—holding your tongue and trying to take the High Road, which we both know that I’ve become synonymous with, and rightly so. Don’t try to steal my act, Missy!
Mother Nature:
Me: Yeah, whatev. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and who can blame you for wanting to be more like me? So I guess it’s safe to say that despite my pleas and the calendar’s scheduled insistence, it’s not going to get all Springy here any time soon. You know you’re not endearing yourself to anyone, aside from people like my whore of a sister who now lives in Florida and insists on calling me every time it snows to just laugh and hang up, right?
Mother Nature:
Me: Yeah, it gets more and more hysterical every freakin’ time—hahahaha ha … ha …. hah. So all of us who live in places where we can appreciate all your beauty via the changes in season can go pound snow. is that it? For the record, I think your handiwork in October in Connecticut makes it the greatest place on the planet to be . . . .
Mother Nature:
Me: So flattery isn’t going to cut it? Fine. I guess that’s it, then? Screw the groundhog and the rest of us, it’s just going to continue to be March as usual, a month of teasing nicer weather but giving us damp cold, fierce wind and a landscape that’s mostly brown and muddy, you know, aside from when you really want to screw with us and throw down some white, like last night. Well, they’ve always said, “Mother Nature’s a bitch.” I guess it’s true.
Mother Nature: [*on the wind*] Jeeeeerk …
Me: Wait, what? Did you actually say something?
Mother Nature:
Me: Okayyy then. Well, thanks again for dragging me out of a warm bed early and into a cold rain before 7 a.m. In appreciation, I’m going to burn some styrofoam later, or find me a baby seal to club! Something to get get you back. So take that! Yeah! I’m gonna learn you!
Mother Nature:
Me: That’s right! I can hear you quivering in your … uh .. robes? Although I’m the one shivering in my boots right now. Okay, you win *this* round. Next time, though—no more Mr. Nice Guy. I’m really gonna find a baby seal … or at least some styrofoam. (I think we got some in the basement.) Just watch your step!
Mother Nature:
Me: [*a single tear rolls down my cheek, a la Chief Iron Eyes Cody*] I freaking hate snow.
I don’t know about you, but we have a very thin coating of that white stuff again!