The other day we were talking about some of the child-oriented shows we used to watch. Luckily, my offspring fell between the eras of “Barney” and “Yo Gabba Gabba,” but it didn’t mean that there weren’t …
Five Craptastic Shows That My Kids Occasionally Watched
1. “Boohbah”
Seriously, WTF IS THIS?! Really, watch the clip and you’ll see why mere words are not enough to describe this … this.
The only other thing I’ll add to your future nightmare is this subliminal thought: “uncircumsized.”
2. “Teletubbies”
Like “Boobah,” my kids only watched this abomination a handful of times, but it was enough to scar me for life. Ironically, whenever we passed the large, grassy mound of a landfill on the River Road in Shelton, my youngest son would refer to it as “Teletubby Land.” Appropriate.
Still, I don’t know what bothered me so much about it. Possibly the incomprehensible language? I mean, accusations were always made against heavy metal gods Judas Priest for hiding subliminal Devil-worshipping messages in their music via backward masking, but has anyone done a proper audio study of the noises the Teletubbies made? I’m pretty sure what you’d hear would be along the lines of this:
“Hey boys and girls, we’re coming to kill you. Tinky Winky is going to snack on your tinky winky. La-La is thirsting for your blood. Dipsy will get ripsy on your heart. Po is just going to eat your soul, s-l-o-w-l-y and without prejudice. And your brains? They will be feasted upon by that baby in the sun. Sleep tight!”
3. “Caillou”
I could never figure what the deal was with this bald, whiny twerp—did he have cancer? If he did, after watching a few episodes featuring this annoying, cloying dipshit, I could only actively root for his white cells to lose a long, protracted battle, sending him to a painful demise. I also think Caillou is a fromage-munching surrender monkey via Canada, which would explain—although not excuse—a lot.
The aspect of the show that really bothered me was the father—pretty sure that he kept on that terrible sweater all the time, even when he was driving his rape van around the neighborhood and collecting the innocence of Caillou’s vapid friends. “It’s okay … Caillou likes to be tickled like this.”
*shiver*
I also seem to recall that on the final episode of the series, Caillou finds his mother in a running bathtub with her wrists slit, a blood-stained note clutched in her pruned fingers … “No .. more .. tears …”
It’s funny—I tried to watch some of this clip and I so hate this show, I couldn’t stomach more than about 10 seconds. I have no idea what happens if you watch the whole thing—Caillou might get trampled to death by a pack of incontinent water buffaloes for all I know. (Now that would be entertainment!) Again, after about two or three episodes, my kids had enough, thankfully. So we didn’t watch anymore.
My spiritual inspiration Steve tells me that after his son started watching it, he couldn’t bear it anymore, so he told his son, “Sorry, but Caillou died. All gone!” If only.
4. “Thomas The Tank Engine”
TRAINS DON’T HAVE FREAKIN’ FACES!!!! OR SOULLESS, DEAD EYES!!!
5. “Franklin”
Why does Franklin wear only a red neckerchief and nothing else? Is his shell supposed to be his clothes? And why the hell is he the only one with a real name? The bear is called “Bear,” the snail is called “Snail,” the goose is “Goose,” the fox is “Fox,” and even the freaking beaver (a girl, by the way) is called “Beaver.”
Franklin also did extensive time in the “Caillou School of Perpetual Whinging,” which didn’t endear him to anyone. He also shared Caillou’s lack of hair, although at least he had the decency to put on a baseball cap on occasion.
I always hoped that we’d tune in one day to see Bear sitting in the middle of Franklin’s room, covered in blood and surrounded by three empty shells. After sucking bits of marrow out of a bone, he’d then wipe his mouth with that red neckerchief and belch.
Now that would be good TV!