odds and ends and more odds

Mar 062013
 

Sorry, I’ve been a bit distracted this week, so I thought I’d just share a few random things …

1. Mark your calendars: I have two speaking engagements lined up so that all my fans can come witness the joy of Connecticut Jerks live! First, I return to my old hometown Milford, on April 15 at the Milford Public Library—I expect all my Milford homies to turn out for this one, you know, despite the fact that I’m not particularly cool enough to refer to anyone as “my homie.” Next, on July 16, I will be discussing jerks at the Old State House in Hartford, so my Hartford-area posse should be in effect, again despite the fact that I’m not particularly cool enough to have a posse, either.

Still, come out and say hi, and I promise I’ll try to be more entertaining than a flood in the Alka-Seltzer factory.

2. The Golf Boys are back!!!

I didn’t think these four professionals golfers could top their first video, but color me wrong. “We’re goin’ insane, we’re goin’ Ben Crane … ka-kaw ka-kaw …” I mean, how does it get better than that? Oh yeah, all the proceeds for this video go to charity, too! Watch early, watch often.

Speaking of watching stuff …

3. Edgar Has His Own Show!

The delightfully eccentric Edgar Oliver is the host of the new series “Odd Folks Home” from Science channel, and really, there is no one more perfect for the job. (Love this story of his from “The Moth.”) And yes, between Edgar’s campy dramatic flair and the freaks they’ve chosen to profile, the show is as wonderfully weird as you might hope it could be.

And on the subject of the odd and weird …

4. This has been a terrifically weird week here in Connecticut – As many of you already know, I scour Connecticut news sites every day looking for odd news for Damned Connecticut—there is no magic aggregator of such links, so it’s a task I undertake on my own. What’s interesting to me is that I can go weeks between unusual things happening, then all of a sudden, bang! You get two or three weird stories in a row.

Well, the past five days have been an outright bizarre bonanza! Among other things ….

Six days in and March is shaping up to be the freakiest of months—and the full moon isn’t even for another three weeks! I have a feeling that this month may be quite the ride before it’s over … sit back and enjoy, my friends.

 

monkey business

Mar 032013
 

So we were talking about running the other day, and I had one of those sudden, annoying realizations that sometimes come much later after looking back at a certain moment in time.

Last year we went to Disney—partly for a family vacation and partly so that my wife could run in the Walt Disney World Half-Marathon. While we were there, I decided to try my hand at the Disney Family Fun 5K; as I’ve said repeatedly, unlike my (crazy) spouse, I find that 3.2 miles is about the right distance for me—I run it essentially every other day and it usually takes me no more than 30 minutes. which is the ideal workout, both in terms of my physical exertion and time I can devote to it. More than that and I remember just how much I freaking hate exercise. (Stupid plans of not dropping dead in front of my kids …)

Now during the half marathon last year, my wife had a great time as it’s a big event and The Mouse pulls out all the stops. It’s a special first-class Disneyrrific experience, with live entertainment, musical bands, hallelujah choruses and even fireworks as runners make their way through EPCOT in the early dawn. Throughout the course of her run, my wife kept posting pictures on Facebook, including images of her stopping to pose with a bunch of the big Disney characters: Goofy, Phineas & Ferb, Buzz Lightyear and of course, Mickey!

By comparison, the start of my 6 a.m. run on the day before featured the borderline-offensive Three Caballeros (forgotten 1950s birdthings) and during the run exactly *ONE* other character to “cheer” us on—the sidekick monkey from Aladdin, Abu, who was standing in a side alley in Morocco, puffing on a cigarette like a hungover Nick Nolte and waving us past while picking fleas out of his moth-bitten tail***.

***Might be a slight exaggeration to embellish the lack of enthusiasm for the task at hand.

Well, if that can’t make a body bust it out for a 3-minute mile, what the hell would?

Also, rather than live bands, I’m pretty sure we had a muzak version of the theme from the The Rescuers Down Under crackling from the park speakers, although it could’ve been the music that played during the credits of The Computer Who Wore Tennis Shoes. They’re both as memorable, and inspiring.

Still, I remember running the race that day and thinking, “Well, I get it …  it’s like the C-list event, and they can’t have A-listers like Mickey, Goofy and Pluto be everywhere. Those characters are probably busy with kids with cancer or something …”

The other day when we were talking about it, however, it hit me like a ton of animatronic bricks—

THEY’RE NOT REAL PEOPLE! THEY’RE JUST RANDOM PEOPLE IN COSTUMES!

Like, Disney World probably has a few dozen Mickey and Goofy costumes laying around, and since the characters don’t ever talk or require any special acting skills other than waving and posing for pictures, they could’ve realistically had an army of Mickeys lining the race course!!! Seriously, why would they NOT have them there?!

The more I thought about it, the more steamed I got imagining the scene in the Disney World costume depot:

“Well, let’s see … we could dress you in a Mickey, but that seems a bit much for a bunch of people just running a 5K when we will have real marathoners out there running 26 miles tomorrow … hmmm … how about Simba? No, too big a star … Timon and Pumbaa? No, The Lion King doesn’t really say ‘second-tier athlete’ to me … Maybe Beauty and The Beast—we haven’t used that Lumiere outfit since we hosted that convention of Ukrainian traffic workers … no. Still too big.

How about something closer to the theme—Hercules? No, they aren’t escaped prisoners for Jiminey’s sake! Ooh, speaking of which, Pinocchio—how about Gepetto? No wait, forgot about the ban on that character after the complaints about a movie where an old man decides that rather than create any sort of adult puppet for company, to whittle up his own little boy …

Let’s try something a bit more recent with a little less criminal. One of the army men from Toy Story? No, still too well known. Oh, I have it—Aladdin! A decent film but past its cultural impact and on the cusp of fading into obscurity. Now which character? All my Jasmines are out at the Princess Breakfasts, and no visitor in the history of Disney World has *ever* asked to meet the title character of one of our biggest hits. Genie? Still a bit too big for these lesser runners … Iago? No—still can’t use any Gilbert Gottfried-voiced characters since the Japanese tsunami … hmmmm …. wellllll … it looks like you’re up, Abu! Knock ’em dead!”

Grrr….

The only thing that would’ve been more insulting, I suppose, was if they had busted out all the D-list characters—Scuttle the seagull from The Little Mermaid, the Lost Boy who wore the skunk hat from Peter Pan, the forklift that changed tires from Cars, Gargoyle #3 from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, baboon #7 from Tarzan …

Oh wait—is baboon #7 even available? I heard he’s got a gig sweeping up in the food court at Animal Kingdom.

Regardless, this all comes back to that old adage: Sometimes nothing is better than a craptastic, half-assed effort.

 

the friday five: roller grrrls!

Mar 012013
 

Okay, in case you missed it, the 2013 season for the Connecticut Roller Girls just opened the other night, with the Yankee Brutals facing off against the New Hampshire Cherry Bombs, while the Stepford Sabotage took on the DC All Stars. There was some awesome action, but the Cherry Bombs blasted the Brutals 135-116, while DC KO’ed the Sabotage 193-161. The next bout is a March 9 doubleheader, where the locals (the Brutals and the Sabotage) will be taking on two teams from the Hudson Valley …

Yes, you’re still in rayality—I know I don’t usually review the local roller derby action, but we’re doing an article about the recent resurgence of the flat track for the April issue of Connecticut Magazine, and it’s on my brain. It’s a terrific piece that I’m proud to say I pushed for and was able to assign to David Holahan, one of our very talented freelancers. Good stuff.

Anyway, one of my favorite aspects of the sport—you know, aside from buff wild women getting sweaty and competitive—are the names they pick out. There is an actual international roller derby master registry for names so that no two skaters have the same moniker. Pretty sure I’d go with Baberaham Rinksin or Ramona Mancrusher.

So to help the local ladies celebrate the new season, here are

Five of My Favorite Connecticut Roller Derby Names

(and yes, these are all real—and no, I don’t know any of these ladies personally, although by their names, they sound like my type of people!)

1. Eleanor Bruisevelt – Truly brilliant on so many levels—the best of the best, in my opinion.

2. Luciana Pulverotti – A classic.

3. Your Mom – Wait, who told you?! I mean, uh, good one …

4. Babe Vigoda – The great ones never die.

5. Anita Chainsaw – Who doesn’t?

Honorable mention—F. Scott Hitzgerald and Amelia Tearheart

Now all I have to do is get out to a bout!

 

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