the clone ray-nger?

So we went to see Iron Man 3 the other night—a very fun summer blockbuster (make sure to stay through the credits)—and it got me to thinking, as most films tend to do.

Don’t worry—no real spoilers ahead.

If you saw the first two movies (or even the commercials for the new one), you know that Tony Stark (the character that Robert Downey Jr. plays) is an inveterate inventor, and as such, likes to make multiple versions of his Iron Man suits, such as War Machine, which is used by his buddy Col. James Rhodes (brought to life the last two times by Don Cheadle) or robotic ones he just keeps around for convenient plot purposes …

So you can already see where this is going—I need to make multiple versions of myself, although not to fight off comic book villains. (Although I do reserve the right to do so if I’m attacked by some unforeseen nemesis—say like Cannibal J. Clown and his Fright-Wigged Gang of Grease Paint Goons.) No, what I need is more of me to try and do all the things I want to do in my life.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog—or even an irregular one—you may have noticed it’s been a few weeks since I last posted. The culprit is a simple lack of time as I’ve been extraordinarily busy with the myriad tasks involved with being a father, husband, homeowner, friend, neighbor, magazine editor and all-around swell guy. Obviously, if there were more versions of me, I could keep up with all the demands on my time, right? Of course.

And let’s be honest—cloning me really sounds like the GREATEST. IDEA. EVER. Really. I’m pretty sure more of me is the answer to most of the world’s problems.

But I’d like to do something other than simply making more carbon copies of me. What would be great would be if somehow I could split out the various aspects of Original Ray into different versions of me, but then somehow merge them back together so I can actually experience everything. Because I really don’t want to miss anything—I just want the opportunity to Do It All.

So based on my calculations, what I’d need is:

Writer Ray – This version of me would be doing the heavy lifting in terms of keeping my various blogs updated and working on that brilliant manuscript of mine that I started last year and that will make me a household name (like Charmin or Cottenelle) as well as a bajillion dollars. He’d also get cracking on that screenplay based on the life of my all-time favorite jerk.

Now that I think about it, I might need two of these guys—one dedicated to futzing about on the intrawebs and the other who handles the quasi-professional long-term projects.

Worker Ray – Hey, someone has to go out and make the big bucks, right? Actually, that person is my wife, so this version will at least try to bring home enough pay to cover groceries.

Home Improvement Ray – Although I have two groundskeepers-in-training to help me out now, there are a few shrubs in the yard that … uh, let’s say, “have gotten away from me.” Also plenty of little projects around the house that apparently won’t take care of themselves—no matter how many times I walk past the attic door, apparently it won’t replace its own doorknob.

Social Ray – Obviously, I want to participate in the fun stuff (like going to see Iron Man 3 or roller derby), but there’s plenty of other more mundane [*cough cough* boring *cough*] events—back-to-school nights, funerals, recitals, doctor’s appointments, shopping mall openings, cat-naming parties, etc.—that it would be great to send a proper representative.

This version of me would also be a trophy piece/eye candy for my wife for all her social functions. (Might have to polish that one up *a bit* more than the others.)

Romantic Ray – To be used by my lovely wife as she sees fit.

X Ray – You know, the superhero version of me who fights for right, justice and the American way!

Altruistic Ray – This one will be in charge of helping friends move, driving family to the airport and covering volunteer activities like feeding the homeless and giving blood. Or bleeding the homeless, if necessary.

Fit Ray – This poor sucker has to be the one who gets in shape for the rest of us—he doesn’t have to run triathlons or work out with such enthusiasm that it’d make for an awesome Rocky montage (although it would be cool), but if he could keep our cardio up and our weight down, that’d be acceptable.

This version would also get be charged with fixing the slice in our golf swing, getting our 5K time under 24 minutes and learning to shred the half pipe.

Medical Bag Ray – In addition to taking all inoculations and medications, this one gets to have our teeth cleaned, vision checked (I think we need reading glasses, by the way) and our colons scoped. Also, enjoys the privilege of passing any remaining kidney stones.

This one would also probably be the one subjected to the medical tests and cell harvesting required to create the other ones.

Dad Ray – Actually, the true me will take this gig full time (along with the romantic one) if I can get the other versions to do their parts.

Soo …. now that I have that all sorted out, all I need to do is somehow make it happen.

Hmmm …. maybe I need a Brainstorm Ray, too.