what every parent needs

So the other night we got together with my Damned Connecticut partners Kate and Steve, and as we were trying to keep their toddler away from things like the TV, phone and that rusty barbed wire sculpture we keep precariously perched atop the python cage, we started brainstorming some ideas for child-care inventions that could help all of humanity.

Here are a few that came from the altruistic parts of our grey matter:

Kiddie hamster ball – Steve came up with this one, and it’s as simple as it sounds: a hamster ball big enough for a toddler to fit inside so they can go all over the place but without actually getting their hands on important items like TV remotes or computers. Plus, they are protected from sharp edges or other things they might bump themselves on.

Giant water bottle – Again, using the hamster model, this would be a giant bottle of water that you’d set up in the corner of the room, and like a hamster, a kid would be able to go up to it any time they wanted to get a drink. Obviously, other fluids—milk, juice, benadryl—could be substituted, but it would help foster independence and self-reliance, not to mention cut back on the amount of juice boxes that end up in landfills.

Re-loadable diapers – Okay, this is probably only practical for wet diapers—but we’re talking about a sectioned diaper system where the fronts of the diapers are removable (they can be held in with velcro). When a kid urinates, rather than struggle to change the entire diaper, the absorbent front section is simply ripped off and a fresh dry front section is slapped into place. Think about it—most times you end up throwing away a half-used diaper, so to save the planet, you only disposing of fully used diapers!

“Kiddy” litter – Another one of Steve’s ideas, and again, it’s pretty straightforward. If you don’t like the re-loadable diaper and would like to avoid all that work of toilet training, just let the little ones just go as they play! Turn that sandbox into a litter box! Simply scoop away any clumps, re-rake and they’re set to go (so to speak).

The “You Are Not” Playset – Action figures based on my nearly-viral children’s book that helps kids realize that they they are not special and that they will never be President, a millionaire or a professional athlete, but that’s all okay.

Really, there’s not much to this playset outside of the action figure, so if you’re thinking that you’re getting an amazing super cool toy, well … you are not.

Chlorofriends – I’ve written about this before. Basically you’d have stuffed animals with names like Sleepy Sting Ray or Dr. Snoozikins to help young children fall asleep. When each Chlorofriend is given a loving squeeze, it emits a playful cloud of chloroform, sure to send even the most stubborn rug rat to dreamland. (Also available in pillowcases.)

Magnetic pants – This is for ADD-challenged kids who have a hard time sitting in their seats for extended durations, say like during a whole meal—you know, like a civilized human being. These metal-lined pants work in conjunction with a powerful electromagnetic chair: When an overactive urchin starts getting up, just hit the switch and *ZAP* they are pulled back into the proper seated position. Can be modified for use in restaurants, houses of worship, movie theaters, trains, libraries, strip clubs or anywhere else kids tend to run around too much.