A little housekeeping first: On July 16, I will be at the Old State House in Hartford speaking ill of the dead and Connecticut jerks, which also includes a special Connecticut Jerks panel discussion moderated by Diane Smith of the Connecticut Network and featuring two awesome Connecticut writers whose works I plagiar—er, *used as sources* to write my book: Charley Monagan and M. William Phelps. Hope to see you there!
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So as I attended my son’s graduation the other day, it got me to thinking that although I’m proud of his successes and accomplishments, I still can’t help but feel as though I’m failing him and his brother on some levels. Time flies by so quickly, and we don’t get to teach them all the things we want. Not only that, but we also spend an inordinate amount of effort on subjects that aren’t particularly useful in the long run. And then you read all these stories about how American kids are falling farther and farther behind the counterparts around the world …
“U-S-A NUMBER ONE!”—amiright?
Well, just because Evel Knievel put it on the side of his helmet doesn’t make it true. (Although that really should be enough.)
Of course, I can’t go back and undo some of the things I’ve done as a parent, but at least I can throw some thoughts out there that may help other parents and the next generation to not set up their kids to fail.
A few thoughts …
The cow goes “moo” – Like many parents, I spent many hours of my sons’ formative years reading to them, but the majority of those early years included *lots* of books dedicated to correctly identifying barnyard animals and the noises that make because … we live on a farm? We may be suddenly overrun by a herd of pigs? There’s a chance that toddlers might find themselves trapped by a gang of psychotic roosters in a hen house and may need to cluck their way to freedom?
If you want to teach them useful information about animals, how about things like, “‘Hsss’ goes the rabid racoon you see in the backyard during the middle of the day!” or “‘Squeak’ goes the squirrel trying to nest in your attic so it can chew through your power lines!” or even “‘____’ goes the spider that is never more than six feet away from you at any given moment and is probably thinking RIGHT NOW about laying eggs in your ear canal while you sleep.”
Talking animals – In the same vein, our kids spend the majority of their childhoods constantly exposed to the possibility that animals can secretly converse to each other in the Queen’s English. Seriously, flip around the kids channels some time and just start counting the number of shows where the animals can speak—it’s almost every single one!
It’s so pervasive that there’s no way that children aren’t wasting significant portions of their mental reserves to constantly remind themselves that, oh yeah, despite the barks, meows and clicking noises that dolphins make, animals can’t make human conversation, and even if they could, it wouldn’t be much beyond what Up‘s Dug offered.
Rather than wait around for the family cat to give that TED talk, why not teach our kids another language, especially given current birthrates and population statistics, English will not be enough to get by with this in the global marketplace.
Animated backpacks, sentient racing cars and creepy trains with faces – Sticking with the theme, our kids are exposed to lots of animate inanimate objects, which until SKYNET rises up, shouldn’t be much of a concern.
Now look, I don’t want to hear about stifling creativity and imagination—have you talked to a 5-year-old? They have plenty of that stuff to spare, trust me. And you don’t have to forgo it—how about just swapping in shows that challenge the imagination and creativity with subjects like science, technology and math rather than figuring out how to use a talking map that tells you exactly where to go.
I’d like to teach the world to sing – Music can be a powerful learning tool, but in regard to kids, we use to keep abreast of things like the status of tiny arachnids and their adventures navigating outdoor plumbing or the perils of keeping babies in ill-advised treetop cribs.
See, even by vaguely alluding to those childhood songs, you just recalled them immediately!
Personally, there are two pieces of learning that I recall vividly from decades ago because they were set to music:
1. In 8th grade, our math teacher Mr. Betzig taught us that “Perimeter equals two times a side plus two times a side—woo!”
2. “Cheers” taught me everything I know about Albania.
Everyone gets a trophy – As I’ve said before, I think it’s more than okay to lose on occasion; heck, if no one ever has to swallow the bitter taste of defeat, then they will never hunger for success. And rewarding people for simple “participation” seems to set up false expectations down the line.
Let’s put it this way: How many trophies have you gotten at work for just showing up every day? Exactly.
If I could brag a bit, I’ve seen this work first hand, with both my sons.
First: My younger son Kade has been taking karate classes for the past five years, which includes a big end-of-the-year tournament. He has gone every year and has never won a trophy or medal, only given to the top four in each group; he did receive a trophy one year, but that was because there were only three kids in his section and he finished third. He was actually angry and embarrassed about it.
Over the past year, he has worked his butt off, and by “worked his butt off,” I mean he has kicked my butt practicing sparring. This year, he finished fourth in a larger group and took home a medal—you would’ve thought the thing was made of actual gold, he was so psyched by it.
Second: My other son recently received an award at school for “Most Respectful” student. When I went to congratulate him, he said everyone in the class who didn’t win an academic achievement award literally got one of these awards instead. And he wasn’t too thrilled about it, as you can see below:
“Baby on Board” car window signs – I’m thinking that everyone might be better served if the baby was in a car seat rather than on a board. I mean, what about splinters? Just seems like a bad plan ….
Okay, maybe that last one isn’t exactly a waste of parenting efforts, just saw it in a car window the other day and it struck me funny. Clearly, I need to be struck more often.
Anyway, I’ll keep working on a new curriculum. We’ll get our kids and the U.S.A. back to the top!