bienvenidos a Miami

As everyone heads back to school, it seems like a good time to talk about what I did on my summer vacation …

To sunny Miami!!!

That’s right, I’m now Mr. 305, the King of South Beach, a regular Florida gator … or not.

We flew down to Florida to visit my sister Joni the Whore, who lives in Miami, and spent a great week hanging out with her and checking out south Florida, where I’ve never been before! We also visited with my cousin Paul, his wife Lisa and their sons, which was also great. Good times all around. Good times.

Anyway, like any expedition to a place that I’ve never been before, there’s lots of new sights to see, things to do and places to visit. In fact, here are—

The Top 10 Things I Learned About Miami

1. It’s hot. And humid. Okay, that might be like, “Uh, DUH!!!” but it’s like, really, really hot and humid, especially in August. Oh sure, there’s a breeze by the ocean, but that’s like saying, “Oh, if you jauntily wrap yourself in Osama’s beard, hell is a little cooler.”

2. No bugs? We ate out almost every night—literally, in most cases, in Coconut Grove area (where we stayed), there’s plenty of excellent al fresco dining options. And through almost a dozen meals (including lunches), I think we saw one fly. One. No bees, no wasps, no dragonflies, no ticks, no roaches, not even a cicada.

How does that happen? Miami is a clean city, but is it *that* clean? Florida is mostly swamp, but I guess something about being near the ocean eliminates some of that—the cool breezes? We saw tons of birds, lizards and other critters that feed on bugs, but are they that prevalent that they make such a big difference? Apparently.

Of course, it could be that it’s just too darn hot for them.

3. Terrible drivers. Look, I’m not going to tell you that Connecticut has terrific drivers, because we don’t, but holy guacamole, the “drivers” in Miami are awful in a way that makes my brain a-splode!

Here’s some actual footage from a Miami highway to give you an idea of what I’m talking about.

Seriously though—I’ve never seen anything like it. Speeds change randomly, no one uses signals, cars just stop in the middle lane of the highway for no apparent reason, tractor trailers drive in any lane and at any speed, everyone has a cell phone in hand and is texting, and like The Road Warrior, there truly doesn’t appear to be any rules other than the strong survive … oh, and that the traffic lights are a minimum of five minutes each. Crazy.

I guess I get it to an extent—with so many senior citizens on the road, there’s bound to be some … unpredictability. And when you’re so close to the end, who wants to pay attention to the rules?

4. Speaking of the end, I-95 does. So weird—as we were driving on I-95 from the airport south to our hotel, we saw a sign that says, “I-95 Ends.” And it did. It just went from a highway to a three-lane road with traffic lights, which is also US-1.

It’s just such a major thoroughfare here that I’ve driven thousands of times, plus it always has tons of cars, which has always made it seem sort of this odd, living infinite entity. But all good things—and even crappy ones like highways—come to an end.

5. Habla español? Between having studied it for a semester or two in college and my wife being bilingual, I’ve had to understand a bit of Spanish (especially so I can know when my wife and mother-in-law are talking about me). Thus, Miami wasn’t so jarring to me. But just be warned—it’s not the first language for many down there, and most expect that you understand it.

The good news is that there’s lots of excellent Cuban cuisine to be had, and we definitely partook with gusto. My wife’s favorite part of the entire trip was a 75 cent cup of cafe Cubano that she got while we were in Little Havana.

On a side food note: As good as the Cuban food is, the Italian food is not—again, we’re spoiled by living near New Haven, but calling your restaurant “Real New York Pizza” doesn’t make it even close. Ugh.

6. Not a lot of fatties. Maybe it’s the South Beach diet working for everyone, but like when we went to Denver, I noticed that there were a lot of people in really good shape here. Despite the heat, many people love being outside, and there were plenty of bikers and runners.

One thing I noticed though when it came to exercising—there are those who are genuinely concerned about their health and will jog in the morning before it gets too hot or in the evening, and then there are those who work to be seen—jogging in minimal “exercise” clothes along South Beach at midday, chiseled and tanned bodies glistening in the hot Florida sun.

I guess if you got it, flaunt it—and that attitude is enthusiastically encouraged in Miami.

7. Apparently things don’t really get going in Miami until well after I’ve had my warm glass of milk and am tucked between the sheets. Not really a shock to anyone that knows me … but then again, we were here to visit with my sister, not shake our booties on the dance floor until the sun comes up. (That is how the kids still say it, right? No?)

8. Did mention that it’s hot? And humid.

9. Everyone is fake. And by that I mean that there is literally a plastic surgery center on every corner. Seriously, like we have Walgreens everywhere, they are lousy with laser skin, body reconstruction and breast implant surgery centers. Apparently, they take that whole “beautiful people” thing quite seriously, which is another reason why I’ll never quite fit in.

10. Miami loves gelato. But I don’t—and I don’t understand the love for it as it’s more expensive, the portions are tiny and it’s just not quite as tasty as the best ice cream here. I appreciate that it’s something different and supposedly more exclusive than what we normally get around here, but it did not wow me at any point to make me go out of my way to have it again.