Stop me if this sounds too Seinfeldian. (Seinfeldish? Seinfeldesque? Seinfelafel?)
So the other day, I was standing in line at the local lunch place waiting for my sandwich, when I noticed the sign hanging over the counter that proclaimed the establishment to be “A World Class Delicatessen.”
Other than the missing hyphen (“world-class”), it occurred to me that “world-class” is a bit of an empty boast that we hear a lot—”world-class entertainment,” “world-class speed,” “world-class asshole.” But when you think about it, by the mere fact that this deli is in the one and only world we know, it automatically qualifies as being in the class of the world.
I mean, no one brags about being having “Earth-class” food. And expanding the idea a bit, no advertises themselves as being in possession of “underworld-class swimming skills” or “galaxy-class juggs.” Ultimately, calling something “world-class” is about as an empty a claim as you can make.
But that’s key in promoting yourself, isn’t it? Attempting to sound better than you might actually be, even if it means inventing terms or using phrases that ostensibly sound great but in reality, don’t mean a damn thing.
A few examples I’ve come across in my years of working in a world-class publication:
• fresh – If I had a dollar for every restaurant out there who claims to make their fare from “only from the freshest ingredients.” Right. Because all those *other* restaurants usually use old, rotting crap that’s been festering for months to serve their customers. Who in their right mind would say “we only use the oldest ingredients” as a selling point? Ridiculous.
• brand new – Because you can actually buy “brand old” products somewhere, so it’s important to distinguish.
• the latest – Again, because people are usually clamoring for the “older, most outdated” version of something, so it’s important to avoid confusion.
• well-appointed – You usually hear this description in regard to hotels or other accommodations, suggesting an air of elegance. It literally means “having a full array of suitable equipment or furnishings,” so really, every hotel room that has a bed to rest the night is technically “well-appointed.”
• eclectic – Another that sounds a lot more interesting than it is. Most times it’s used to imply that the style or decor of an establishment is imaginative or creative or even *whimsical*, but eclectic literally means “composed of elements drawn from various sources,” so guess what? Unless you’re talking about Abe Lincoln’s log cabin, a mud-brick hut in Southwestern Mexico or that ice hotel that they build every year in Quebec, pretty much every structure on the planet is “eclectic.” And considering that very rarely does every item used for decor come from the same exact place—the windows, the carpets, the doors, the furniture, the paint on the walls, the light fixtures, the tables, chairs, curtains, phones, etc.—you can essentially call anyplace “eclectic” and not be lying.
• sneak peak – Pssst …. If something is eagerly promoted and available for everyone to see, like a movie clip or trailer, there’s nothing “sneaky” about it.
• award-winning – Here’s all you need to know about this one: one of my Connecticut Society of Professional Journalism awards came when I was the only writer nominated in a category. So I am technically “an award-winning journalist” even though all I did to “win” was submit a story. It could’ve been, “All work and no plays makes Ray a dull boy” 80 times in a row (it wasn’t, for the record) and BOOM! I can now claim the title of award-winner.
I should point out that winning places other than “FIRST” technically qualify as “award-winning.” You know, as in, the award-winning Jackass: The Movie … which “won”a Golden Raspberry for “2002’s Most Flatulent Teen-Targeted Movie.” Ditto the award-winning Mike Myers abomination against nature The Cat in the Hat—the only movie my son ever begged we walk out of; it took home the Razzie in 2003 for “Worst Excuse for an Actual Movie.” An affront to civilization and intelligence, but technically an “award-winner.”
By the way, I do bill myself as “award-winning writer,” but that’s because I have had pieces win against actual competition. Oh, and DamnedCT.com actually won a Webster Award that we had no idea we were nominated for until halfway through the voting. Hard to believe but true.
• award-nominated – See “award-winning,” but to an even lesser extent. Think about this: With so many “awards” out there, from stinky shoes and dumb lawsuits to most sexist comment and weird-ass pictures, anyone can be nominated for anything.
Heck, right here and now, I nominate myself for the I-just-thought-of-this “best of rayality” award. So now I can “award-nominated” blogger to my resume. Sweet!