the friday five: viva francisco

Mar 152013
 

So I have to admit, even though I’m an avowed atheist, I’m sort of curious about the new pope, the former cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina. Unlike many of the prior popes, this guy seems to be cut from a little different cloth.

Now, I’m not going to suddenly be believing or anything (sorry Grandma!), but I am interested in this.

Thus, here are

Five Thoughts About The New Pope

1. His name – Apparently I was wrong about him choosing the name Francis in honor of Joe Francis, the founder of “Girls Gone Wild,” as I originally Tweeted/Facebooked earlier this week. I thought that maybe the church was headed in a radical new direction. Not so much.

Of course, when I hear the name Francis, I think of this:

Evidently, the Pope chose the name it in honor of St. Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of creatures large and small. Believe it or not, back when I was a youth and subjected to the Catholic church, I also chose to honor St. Francis by choosing his name for confirmation, which I thought made sense as he was a friend to animals and I really love barbecue.

So with the pope, it’s almost like we’re twins! You know, aside from the differences in age, religion, nationality, looks, intelligence, piety, accomplishments and general competence.

2. His age – He’s 76 years young! Seriously though, I don’t mean to disparage, but hiring a guy who is well past the age of retirement in every country to run one of the biggest organizations in the world (if not the biggest—1 out of 6 people are part of it!) may not be the best long-term strategy. Considering that said organization arguably needs a bit of 21st-century reform (actually catching up to some 20th-century reform would be a good place to start) and has some major challenges facing it, you might think a younger, more dynamic choice may have been the way to go. Just sayin’.

Not to be ageist, but by comparison, Pope John Paul II, who really made a major impact on the church and the globe, was 58 when he took the chair of St. Peter—almost 20 years younger than the current pontiff. I mean, this may work out, but would it also wouldn’t be a surprise if the cardinals are gathering again sooner rather than later.

3. His humble roots – Pope Francis is a Jesuit, which if you’re not familiar with all the branches of godliness, is kind of what you expect from a priest as opposed to the obscene wealth and opulence that you see on display in Vatican. In other words, he takes his vow of poverty seriously.

When he claimed the gig as the archbishop of Buenos Aires, he eschewed most of the exorbitant trappings that came with the title—rather than lounge about the archbishop’s palace and cruise about in a limo, he lived in a small apartment and regularly rode the bus. He focused on the needs of the poor, cooked his own meals and even flew economy class when traveling.

In other words, don’t be surprised to see the Popemobile turn up on the next episode of “Pawn Stars.”

Rick: So what do you have for me today?

The Pope: I got my car that I’d like to sell.

Rick: Okay, what are you looking to get for it?

The Pope: It’s valued at $500,000, but I’d be happy with half of that. You know, all the money will go to helping the poor.

Rick: Hmm … let me see … I see it has a few dings in the glass … and it’s not brand-new. Did John Paul II ride in it?

The Pope: Uh … no. This was before the holy father.

Rick: Too bad. JP2 collectibles are still really hot right now. And if he never got shot in this thing, well, that lowers the value even more. This is just a plain old Popemobile. Let’s see … I’m going to have a hard time moving this, and then I got to clean it up a bit and try to make a profit on it … tell you what—I’ll give you $1,500 for it.

The Pope: What?! Brand new it’s worth well over $100,000.

Rick: But this isn’t brand new. I’ll go $2,000, and not a penny more.

The Pope: The money will go to the poor, my son. How about $50,000?

Rick: Look, I’m trying to stay out of the poor house myself, padre. $2,300, and that’s my final offer.

The Pope: Hmm … we do need the money … that’s cash, right? Okay, I’ll take it.

Rick: Great! Write ’em up, Chumlee …

Or something like that.

4. His agenda – Okay, this is a spot I have a little problem, as when it comes to social issues, this guy appears to be a little right of the previous pope, who you may recall was actually a member of the Hitler Youth.

Seriously though, he’s against gay marriage and gay adoption and the free distribution of contraceptives, which really, is not much of a surprise given how Catholic most priests are. The early whispers are that he is a man of the people and could turn out to be a reformer, but until we see him in action, I’ll hold judgement on this.

5. His sense of humor – Compared to the last guy, who I’m pretty sure didn’t even crack a smile in his 7 years on the job, Pope Francis is already crackin’ up the boys.

From the London Evening Standard:

It followed a celebration dinner in the Vatican last night with the 114 cardinals who elected him the 266th Pope. He jokingly told them: “I hope you don’t regret this.”

US cardinal Timothy Dolan said Francis toasted colleagues and said: “‘May God forgive you’, which brought the house down.”

As I’ve always said, anybody with a genuine sense of humor—and humility—is usually okay. As with most things, time will tell. Let’s see if he’s still yucking it up in a few years from now.

 

the friday five: second acts

Mar 082013
 

So as I sit here and continue to contribute to the decline of Western Civilization in my own special way, I realize it just can’t be avoided. So much material to write about! From shows about hillbilly duck call makers dominating our attention to crazed megalomaniacs threatening the world with nuclear annihilation, there is no shortage of subjects to skewer, and really, no shortage of people to skewer them.

Still, I wish that certain people were still here to help … in fact, here are

Five Dead Brilliant People Whose Wit We Still Need

1. Mark Twain

Can you imagine how the man who said, “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself,” and, “It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress,” would be tearing up our political system right now? Holy leaping frog of Calaveras County! Considering the wonderfully nasty edge he displayed with comments like, “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it,” ol’ Samuel Clemens—possibly our first insult comedian—would be right up there in the chorus with the likes of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.

2. Dorothy Parker

If you’re not familiar with this brilliant author, poet, critic and charter member of the Algonquin Round Table, let’s just say she was a little less vicious than most feeding sharks. Here are a few of her gems: “If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised;” “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to;” and “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.” Without a doubt, she’d be the perfect blogger and media critic, considering she said of one book, “This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” Could only imagine how she would eviscerate Twilight or 50 Shades of Grey.

3. Tallulah Bankhead

Wikipedia describes her as “an American actress of the stage and screen, talk-show host and bonne vivante.” Nowadays you might go with “a hot mess”—think of Charlie Sheen without all the …. well, actually, think Charlie Sheen, period. She was brassy, bawdy and a boozer. Some quotes: “I’m as pure as the driven slush;” “Cocaine isn’t habit forming. I should know—I’ve been using it for years;” “My father warned me about men and booze, but he never mentioned a word about women and cocaine;” and, channeling her inner warlock, “Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.” I could see her with her own one-woman show, talking about her life and destroying all comers.

4. Groucho Marx

In addition to literally being a comedy icon, the leader of the Marx Brothers was the very definition of quick-witted. I’ve seen various interviews with him later in his life, and I can’t get over how fast and sharp he was. A few great comments: “I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book;” “No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend;” “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!” and “I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.” His lightning wit was an asset when he hosted “You Bet Your Life,” which would make him the perfect talk show host today.

5. Erma Bombeck

She may have seemed like a frustrated housewife, spinning stories laced with gentle humor, but there was a sharp undertone in her books and columns. “I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex;” “Never have more children than you have car windows;” “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” In addition to continuing writing books and columns, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had her own TV show like Dave Barry did. Of course, they’d have to go with the title of one of her most famous books: “The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank.” I’d watch that!

 

the friday five: roller grrrls!

Mar 012013
 

Okay, in case you missed it, the 2013 season for the Connecticut Roller Girls just opened the other night, with the Yankee Brutals facing off against the New Hampshire Cherry Bombs, while the Stepford Sabotage took on the DC All Stars. There was some awesome action, but the Cherry Bombs blasted the Brutals 135-116, while DC KO’ed the Sabotage 193-161. The next bout is a March 9 doubleheader, where the locals (the Brutals and the Sabotage) will be taking on two teams from the Hudson Valley …

Yes, you’re still in rayality—I know I don’t usually review the local roller derby action, but we’re doing an article about the recent resurgence of the flat track for the April issue of Connecticut Magazine, and it’s on my brain. It’s a terrific piece that I’m proud to say I pushed for and was able to assign to David Holahan, one of our very talented freelancers. Good stuff.

Anyway, one of my favorite aspects of the sport—you know, aside from buff wild women getting sweaty and competitive—are the names they pick out. There is an actual international roller derby master registry for names so that no two skaters have the same moniker. Pretty sure I’d go with Baberaham Rinksin or Ramona Mancrusher.

So to help the local ladies celebrate the new season, here are

Five of My Favorite Connecticut Roller Derby Names

(and yes, these are all real—and no, I don’t know any of these ladies personally, although by their names, they sound like my type of people!)

1. Eleanor Bruisevelt – Truly brilliant on so many levels—the best of the best, in my opinion.

2. Luciana Pulverotti – A classic.

3. Your Mom – Wait, who told you?! I mean, uh, good one …

4. Babe Vigoda – The great ones never die.

5. Anita Chainsaw – Who doesn’t?

Honorable mention—F. Scott Hitzgerald and Amelia Tearheart

Now all I have to do is get out to a bout!

 

the friday five: perpetual motion

Feb 222013
 

Not a news flash: I *hate* exercise.

Last winter was nice in that we had very little snow—I was even able to run on my favorite track on New Year’s Eve, and was able to get out to the local greenway from time to time.

As we all know, this year has been very different—LOTS of snow, which has forced me inside on the treadmill. We bought a decent one a few Christmases ago, and I was able to split our cable and run it to an old TV, so we can watch pretty much anything, including programs we’ve recorded. And now that I figured out how to turn on the closed-captioning, you can follow any program without having to hear it, which was a problem over the sound of the treadmill.

That all being done, it’s still boring as hell to run on a treadmill. As such, while recently running, my mind drifted to—

Five Random Things on Treadmills

1. Drunk “Mythbuster” Adam Savage

Sadly, I run like that when I’m stone-cold sober.

2. The band OK Go

You never saw ABBA doing this.

3. A shrimp

And now you will be singing “The Final Countdown” all day. You’re welcome!

4. Horses on Ye Olde Treadmill

I hope they use it later to churn thine butter.

5. A slinky

Oddly compelling.

For the record, I wanted to add the clip from “The Simpsons” of Homer running on a treadmill while Scully and Mulder from “The X-Files” watch, but apparently, it’s not available anywhere. D’oh!

So now that’s about 10 minutes of your life you won’t get back. At least you weren’t on a treadmill watching it.

 

the friday five: cool cars

Jan 252013
 

Okay, I saw that the original Batmobile sold for $4.6 million the other day, which makes sense because I think that there’s no debate that it is the COOLEST. TV CAR. EVAR!

Seriously, it is. Nothing else even comes close—the paint job, the fins, the pipes, the bubble windshields, the flames coming out the back, the ejector seat … AN ICON OF COMPLETE AWESOMESAUCE, as my son has forbidden me from saying.

That nonetheless having been said, I would love to be in a financial position to own this vehicle! Oh well, I can still dream about buying it, or any of these other car that I loved growing up—

Five Coolest TV Cars of My TV Childhood (After the Original Batmobile, of course)

1. The General Lee

Okay, I’m not just a good ol’ boy never meaning no harm, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to jump my car over rivers, swamps, lakes, ditches, gullies, trucks, other cars, old shacks, trailer homes, semi-detached houses, churches, junk yards, football stadiums, the Georgia Bulldog cheerleaders …

Oh, and I’m pretty sure all I would have to do was pull up and hit the horn, and Cousin Daisy would come over and her drop her Daisy Dukes for me.

2. KITT (the original!)

Rather than explain why the ORIGINAL Knight Industries Two Thousand is so cool, I’ll just say that this Nerd clip from “Robot Chicken” comes remarkably close to the truth.

“We’d fight all my enemies … and murder them …”

3. The Munsters Koach

I’m not sure there’s really a lot of explaining I have to do with this one—bad ass all around and pretty much every seat is a cool, even in the back. Oh, and if Cousin Marilyn (from the recent “remake” that only got one episode) comes along for the ride, that’s good by me, too.

4. The Mach 5

If you think I never danced around in front of the TV singing “GO SPEED RAYCER, GO!” then this is clearly the first time you’ve ever been to this blog. Thanks for stopping by!

5. Starsky & Hutch’s Gran Torino

I’m not saying that I was an impressionable youth who learned to slide over the hoods of cars in the hopes of one day being cool enough to drive this car, but … oh wait, I *am* saying that.

Don’t give up on me baby … some day, some day …

 

the friday five: might as well jump

Dec 282012
 

Before I forget—and with my advanced age, that happens quite a bit more than it used to—I just want to take a quick moment to give a big thank you to everyone who has stopped by this site (as well as Damned Connecticut). Obviously, I put this stuff out there to be read, and that so many of you have taken the time to support me (repeatedly) in the past year, is truly appreciated.

By the same token, thanks again to everyone who has actually bought Speaking Ill of the Dead: Jerks in Connecticut History—I can’t believe how many of you out there have insisted on laying out your own hard-earned money to purchase my book (even as a gift). I truly hope you all have enjoyed reading it as much as I had researching and writing it. I worked hard to make it an entertaining book rather than the typical dry historical read, and really want people to have fun reading it.

Thanks again! Now on to “regular” business …

* * *

So as the mess that was 2012 comes to an end—and really, we’re all pretty happy to kick this year to the curb, aren’t we?—one of the biggest questions is whether President Moe-bama and his fellow Stooges in Congress will be able to make a deal to avoid taking the nation over the “fiscal cliff,” i.e., the automatically triggered tax increases and budget cuts designed to “fix” the national debt and other budgetary ills.

Well, unlike those running around gnashing their teeth while our elected dolts play political games, I say when it comes to the Fiscal Cliff, we go Thelma & Louise on that bitch!!!

[Uh “spoilers,” you know, if there can be spoilers on movie that came out over two decades ago]

That’s right, let’s keep going!! Seriously, this economy has become so screwed up anyway, with its bank issues, rampant unemployment, housing messes, wide divide between the ultra rich and the rest of us, spiraling debt, the continued abuse of the middle class and the whole negatively politicized atmosphere, I say we hit the accelerator!!! Don’t look back and let’s just TRASH THIS MUTHA …

Plus, there’s nothing like the giddy adrenaline rush of that initial free fall that we’d all experience over the next few weeks! Then, once the economy is a smoking, twisted wreck at the bottom of the cliff, we’d know there was only one way to go, and that’s UP!

Oh, sure the next few months might suck horribly and things would get harder, but life as we know isn’t going to come to a screaming end. We’d eventually shake off the shock, work our way back up, and maybe rather than waste our efforts trying to patch a system that seems to be in a state of perpetual impending failure, we would build something strong and stable and new. Just a thought.

But really, my axe to grind here is that I’m sick to death of hearing about “the fiscal cliff” every time the news comes on—it’s almost as if I can hear the blood stirring in the loins of newscasters as they say “fiscal cliff” over and over again.

*shiver*

You know, like how there were terror alerts in the headlines every other day in the wake of 9/11—keep the sheeple nervous and they’ll keep tuning in, keep the ratings high, keep our advertisers happy and keep the money flowing in to us! Never mind that there were only a handful of actual threats. Just keep shouting “Wolf!”

Anyway, that all aside, I think “the fiscal cliff” isn’t the only term we should be focused on shattering and putting behind us.

Here are

Five Other Social Clichés We Need to Destroy

1. The Glass Ceiling – I’m not arguing against the validity of the term—how can I when it’s been repeatedly proven to exist—I’m just saying that I wish we’d make like the Wonkavator and just blast through it (and everything it stands for), sending it all into a billion pieces.

Unfortunately, when I hear “glass ceiling” I just think about some of the offices I’ve worked in, and some people with whom I’ve worked. Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be in the cubicle directly below them—with a glass ceiling—and look up and accidentally see something that might take me years and lots of therapy to un-see.

But yeah, I want it to go away in concept and practice.

2. The Big Picture – You always here about The Big Picture, but does anyone really know what it’s of? I mean, is it like one of the Hubble telescope images or a beach at sunset or a giant velvet portrait of dogs playing poker? Maybe something by Bob Ross, with a little Unabomber shack back in the deep woods by a stream where a coupla friendly critters live (it’s your world), all in a nice handmade macaroni frame.

Personally, as a photography fan, the only Big Picture I really enjoy is from Boston.com. Other than that, I can barely focus on my own Little Picture, let along anyone’s idea of a Big Picture.

Talking about The Big Picture to me also just sounds like an excuse to ignore details or crush people’s lives—you know, like when you hear some CEO talk about laying off 1,000 Americans for 1,000 kids in some Third-World sweatshop who they pay pennies a day so that their already massively profitable company can stay competitive “in The Big Picture.”

3. The One Percent – Just the latest catchy way for the Common Man to say, “I hate the rich … you know, until I become rich myself.” Yawn. Tell me something that the majority of humanity hasn’t agreed on for the better part of the last few millennium.

4. Thinking Outside the Box – I would argue that as soon as someone utters this term, it’s an instant indicator that no actual “outside the box” thinking has occurred. It’s like how people overuse the word “eclectic” to describe those cookie-cutter T.G.I.McScratchy’s that all look exactly alike. I come back to Dash in The Incredibles—when his mother Elasti-Girl tells him that “Everyone’s special,” he responds, “Which is another way of saying that no one is.” Ditto “thinking outside the box.”

Many use the term to signal some sort of alleged commercial innovation—Steve Jobs is often credited with “thinking outside the box” when it came to creating computers, but he was still putting a bunch of electronics in a box, just in a different way. “Outside of the box” innovation would be something like creating an edible computer out of spaghetti that also was a chainsaw and pogo stick—I bet no one is working on that!

The truth is that when someone actually thinks “outside the box,” they are often relegated to the fringes of society as some sort of nutcase. Those who “think outside the box” and manage to gravitate to the center of society, usually don’t bring good with them, either—Hitler, in particular, could be noted for his “outside the box” thinking when it came to his ideas on nation building.

Really, it’s not the compliment it’s supposed to be.

5. Social Media – Has anyone who uses this term ever seen some of the less-than-sociable exchanges that go on using these tools? People seem really eager to use Twitter, Facebook and blogs to verbally rip apart and taunt others in a public, yet somewhat anonymous way.

Social media has become a bully pulpit for many—I suppose myself included. It also has provided a great way for people to let their whiny voices be heard. [Again, just read back through this entire post!] Sure, we exchange some nice things, but the majority of my Facebook feed is filled with people trying to not-so-subtly push their religion, politics or other causes on me, all things they most likely wouldn’t do if we were in a room face to face. Nothing social about that, either.

Don’t get me wrong—I enjoy those electronic platforms. As we all know, however, there’s a big difference between Twitter and Facebook and blogging, and they way that each of those can be used to reach others. To put them under one broad banner seems like a bit of a lazy misnomer.

 

the friday five: what i could’ve been

Dec 212012
 

So with the end of the world coming any moment now and the black abyss of Nothing potentially staring me in the face, I find myself, like many, thinking of all the different ways my life could’ve played out.

Remember when you were a kid and you had dreams of what you wanted to be when you grew up? Well, I haven’t exactly grown up, and I’m pretty happy with the way things have gone, but I do remember some of those dreams ….

In fact, here are

Five Jobs I Wanted to Have When I Was a Kid
(and still might consider now)

1. Stunt man – Yeah, being a child of the 1970s Evel Kneivel definitely was an influence. I mean, freaking look at him—

How could he not have an impact on any self-respecting impressionable youth? Cavalierly courting danger, the red-white-and-blue jumpsuit, the cape—he had a freakin’ cape, people—the ladies. Oh, and throw in a freakin’ ROCKET CAR!

As I saw it, it was a short jump from daredevil (which did seem a bit reckless) to stunt man, which seemed like a more “stable” and realistic lifestyle. I remember teaching myself how to fall and roll, throwing myself over fences and furniture perfecting my technique.

Oh yeah, and seeing Hooper may have had something to do with it.

2. Professional bobsled driver –

I’m still not sure if this is an actual paying gig, but I’m pretty sure 100% positive I’d do it for free if given the opportunity.

One of the things I loved as a kid was sledding in the snow. So when I saw bobsledding—a big sled going ultra fast down an uber amazing iced course—during the 1976 Winter Olympics, I was immediately smitten. Sure, there were other cool winter sports like ski jumping and curling, but bobsledding seemed like the most badass of them all. You got to drive wicked fast, the course went sideways at times, and unlike luge, you didn’t have your junk on display in a lycra bodysuit for the world to see, where it looked as though you were trying to smuggle wiener schnitzel over the Austrian Alps.

3. Private detective – This time I was influenced by literature, and three great fictional detectives whose stories I enjoyed—Sherlock Holmes, Ellery Queen and … Encyclopedia Brown.

(How Bugs Meany never ended up in juvie, I don’t know … although he did eventually get his revenge.)

I loved mysteries and attempting to solve them—you know, without reading the answers in the back of the book. But the idea of helping people and foiling the bad guys was always very appealing.

Pop culture also influenced me a bit—TV shows like “The Rockford Files” made the life of the private dick like look exciting and fun. Plus, Jim Rockford has the best theme song and the coolest car, for the 1970s.

4. Jedi knight –

You know, when they were still cool before the whole whiny, murderous Anakin Skywalker thing in the accursed prequels sort of ruined it for everyone.

5. TV/Movie director – Obviously, I was raised on TV and movies, and enjoy telling stories and expressing myself with images, so this seemed to be a natural course for me. For numerous reasons, I never quite got myself going in the direction of film school, and although I was a communications major, I was too scared to really jump into the video production aspect of it.

Still, I dreamed of making *REALLY COOL* movies. I also fantasized of how I would sneak into a theater and sit in the back—I’d see a trailer run proclaiming “FROM THE MASTER OF RAYALITY” and then hear the audience break out into spontaneous applause because they’d know every film I made was fracking awesome.

In a way, I guess writing is like directing—you know, just without all the cool moving pictures that people seem to be fond of nowadays, and the spontaneous applause. I suppose you might argue not all of my “productions” are fracking awesome, either. Oh well …

At least I can have control over shaping the narrative of what you read. And although I don’t have a cool clapboard, I do get to decide when it’s time to say, “CUT!”

Print it.

 

 

the friday five: takes one to know one

Dec 142012
 

Really, we don’t need a lot of exposition here other than

NERDS!!!!!

Five of My Favorite Nerds

1. Curtis W. Armstrong

Since Ogre screaming “NEEERRRRDDDSSSS!!!” from Revenge of the Nerds is the official meme of nerds, I have to start with the man who was also in that movie and who I often argue is, pound for pound, the finest actor in American cinema. From Risky Business and Better Off Dead to “Moonlighting” and pretty much every sitcom in the past 25 years, Armstrong has carved out a long and wonderful career playing the slightly creepy, offbeat dork who seemingly doesn’t realize just how nerdy he is.

2. Weird Al Yankovic

Really, this says it all …

3. Tina Fey

The poster girl for nerds everywhere. She’s smart, funny and not afraid to mock her own geekiness at every turn—this year, when her Liz Lemon character was getting married and wanted to be “a princess,” of course you know which one only a true geek would pick!

And who can forget how she gave geeks everywhere a full nerd-on when she kissed Salma Hayek on “30 Rock”? Nerdgasmic!

4. Robot Chicken’s Nerd

If you watch this show created by übernerd Seth Green, then you are very familiar with The Nerd, who has had many adventures that only true geeks could appreciate, including ones with George Lucas and Knight Rider.

Here’s The Nerd in Oz …

5. Mayim Bialik

As much as I’ve enjoyed “The Big Bang Theory” over the past few years, the addition of Bialik’s Amy Farrah Fowler has taken the show to a new level of geekery. It also helps that Bialik brings serious nerd cred to the character, having actually earned a Ph.D. in neuroscience—her dissertation was an investigation of hypothalamic activity in patients with Prader-Willi syndrome, or as it’s known to others: NOT basket-weaving. Throw in a successful run as the awkward-but-precocious “Blossom”—whoa!—and there’s some serious nerdery going on here.

Of course, I’m cooler than all these nerds—you know, like Star Trek cool—so obviously I wouldn’t be on any geek list ….

Sure.

 

the friday five: sad songs

Dec 072012
 

The other day I saw (via Fark.com) Rolling Stone‘s list of the saddest songs ever written, and my first impression is that their list is pretty lame. But that could be because I don’t know half the tunes on the list, and the ones I do know, don’t really seem all that sad. “I Will Always Love You”? Really? I mean, I guess it can be sad because Whitney went and killed herself, but generally, I don’t get weepy or have an empty weight in my chest after hearing it. “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” “Nothing Compares 2 U” …. not all that tear-inducing, in my opinion.

But I guess what anyone’s idea of “sad” is open to interpretation. For example, Elton John’s “Sad Songs” seems to be about as sad to me as a commercial for designer jeans. (See what I did there?)

But maybe the problem is that a lot of artists are just not writing sad songs any more. Sure, there are songs about heartache and pain, but so many of them just don’t *sound* sad. My girl Lucinda Williams has created more than a few amazing songs around the themes of loss, depression, hard livin’ and death, but they don’t really choke me up, you know? Something about the drums and guitar, maybe? The pacing? The arrangements? I’m not sure exactly what’s missing. I love her music, but it’s not *sad* to me.

Ditto Johnny Cash, who certainly recorded hundreds of songs about heartbreak, death and addiction. I would argue his version of Nine Inch Nails “Hurt” is about a dark and troubled a song as you’ll ever hear, and wields even more impact by the stage of his life during which he was recording it.

Again, lyrically, as dark a song as you’ll ever hear, and matched perfectly to Cash’s rasped voice, but even with the moving video, it doesn’t make me weepy. Close, though.

To me, the 1970s was the Golden Era of sad songs. Not only were many of the lyrics about unhappy moments, but something about the arrangements and the sound of the time just make for gloom and doom. Artists weren’t worried about churning out pop hits, nor were they afraid to look inward or reach into dark places.

So grab a few tissues and listen to—

Five of the Saddest Songs from the 1970s

1. “Alone Again, Naturally” – Gilbert O’Sullivan

To me, this is the King of All Sad Songs. Period. O’Sullivan’s haunted voice, the arrangement, the strings, everyone in the song dying … this is the perfect storm of sorrow.

2. “Seasons in the Sun” – Terry Jacks

A wistful look back at a life lived from someone about to die—he literally is saying goodbye to everyone in his life as the birds sing and the sun shines and he’s freakin’ taking his last breath! Come on!

3. “Time in a Bottle” – Jim Croce

Okay, another song about life slipping away, and maybe not the saddest song on the list lyrically, but the sparse guitar arrangement just does me in—especially the bit at the end. It’s also more poignant given Croce’s untimely demise, only a year after the song was released.

4. “Rainy Days And Mondays” – The Carpenters

Yeah, the song is clearly about dealing with chronic depression, but it’s the arrangement and the danged harmonica that does it, I think. Plus, you had the inimitable voice of Karen Carpenter—and her whole tragic back story. Her voice always just sounds so full of melancholy, even when she’s supposed to be happy.

5. “Taxi” – Harry Chapin

Another talented singer/songwriter who died prematurely, thus imbuing his work with an added layer of sad. Now I know you’re saying “What about ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’?” and if you want to substitute that over this lesser-known song, I wouldn’t argue. For pure sadness, I go with this one because the story is about two terribly lonely people and how their lives didn’t work out. There is no happy ending, they don’t get together, instead going their own ways and pitying each other’s pathetic life. Chapin’s voice is pitch perfect, as is the entire arrangement, except maybe the falsetto guy near the end—look away if you want to keep the sad going.

Oh, and happy Friday!

 

the friday five: cliff hanger

Nov 302012
 

All right, I felt like I am still on a bit of a roll from the post the other day when I embraced the madness that is the holiday retail season.

In that spirit, I thought I might address the impending fiscal cliff facing the U.S. government that has been bandied about the news so much lately. For the record, I think that like a lot of political “issues,” this situation is probably being overhyped in yet another game of partisan political gamesmanship. Seriously, if you think these guys and gals care about doing right for the U.S. (“us,” ironically) over posturing in a way that’s best for their political careers, then I have a Bigfoot in Saskatchewan that I’d like to sell you! Wake up! These people don’t care a lick about you or I, only your vote, and will ultimately only do what’s best to get re-elected so they can continue to cash in. Period.

That all aside, there is apparently a somewhat major issue that needs to be addressed, and I like to think that I’m all about providing answers rather than just chirping away with the chorus about the problems.

Right now, the President has said “everything is on the table,” and there’s a talk about finding a compromise somewhere between raising taxes and cutting expenses. I’d like to suggest a third course that should be considered. Selling stuff!

Now, I know it’s ludicrous to suggest that the U.S. government starts selling off major assets and landmarks, although I’m betting there’s an entrepreneur or two out there who might be enticed to purchase Death Valley in order to make it a death-themed amusement park! Think about—dark tourism is all the rage, and what’s more macabre than an entire landscape named after death? Put in a museum of death or make it a haunted attraction, offer the opportunity for visitors to actually drop dead from the heat (which is regularly in excess of 100 degrees Fahrenheit), and I guarantee people will drop top dollar to get into a barren superheated desert!

Hmm… now that I think about it, the kids’ college money is just sitting there …

Anyway, so rather than outright putting up our national assets for sale, I suggest our government take a page out of the professional sports (and rayality) playbook, and offer lucrative sponsorship opportunities. There are thousands of landmarks and “marketing opportunities” out there, so I’m pretty sure we can raise enough funds to fix the debt thing without cutting or taxing.

In fact, to get us started, here are—

Five Potential Corporate Sponsorships for the United States

1. The Washington Monument, Presented by Viagra –

Uh, yeah.

2. The Dirt Devil Tower

I can see the ad campaigns now: “Tower over dirt in your house!” or “The power of the devil compels you … to clean!” or “Avoid close encounters of the dirty kind!” [You can look it up here, kids.]

3. The Depends Hoover Dam  

Obviously, Pampers or Huggies could also be interested in this opportunity! I’d also suggest Tampax, but that might just be a bit tacky.

4. The Dr. Scholl’s Statue of Liberty

Hey, Lady Liberty is on her feet all day, so why shouldn’t she be gellin’ like Magellan?

On a side note, that may be simultaneously the worst and greatest tagline from any ad ever—I mean, what the hell does a 16th-century Portuguese explorer who was slaughtered by natives in the South Pacific have to do with podiatric comfort? Sure, it rhymes, and I guess it’s so bad that it’s memorable—like, “Where’s the beef?!”—but they could’ve just as easily gone with “Gellin’ like Sue Ellen” or “Gellin’ like blind Helen.”

5. Old Faithful, by Metamucil

Seriously people, this stuff writes itself! And if I can think of it, how come no one in an actual position of authority has thought of taking advantage of these opportunities yet?

Again, President Obama has said that he’s looking for ideas to resolve this looming crisis, so I suggest you do something for your country by getting off your lazy ass and contacting your local congressperson—or better yet, send them the link to this post—to tell them of this option to help avert a trip off the fiscal cliff.

Remember, as always, I’m here to help!

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