So I was recently enjoying a welcome spring eve on the front veranda, exchanging pleasantries through the ether with my sister The Whore via the latest iteration of Bell’s wireless communicator.

As we talked, I was just sort of looking up and down my street, mindlessly watching the cars go by, neighbors walking their dogs, and kids happily cavorting without care. After a few minutes, I noticed the 8-year-old girl who spends a lot of time at her grandmother’s abode across the street. She was playing with another girl from down the street (I think) who is the same size and, I’m guessing, age. They were both jumping on and off their bright, streamer-festooned bikes, and running around the yard, jumping, screaming and doing who the heck knows what.

(Disclaimer: I know the girl’s name, see her regularly, and have talked to her a number of times—her aunt used to babysit my kids back in the day, and the family has been good neighbors for nearly two decades. I go out of my way to NOT be the neighborhood creeper, thank you very much.)

Anyway, I was still chatting with The Whore a few minutes later when I noticed the two girls were now filling their mouths from water bottles, and then going to stand together in the middle of the street where they just let the water dribbled out of their mouths and down their chins. I’m not sure exactly what they were doing or why, but it was silly and goofy and just endearing as hell. They were both laughing hysterically and having the best of times, with nary a phone or electronic device in sight.

In short: THEY WERE PLAYING TOGETHER! LIKE KIDS!

The madness, right?

I described the scene to my sister and what we were really witnessing—the birth of a beautiful friendship. Effortlessly bonding and joyously building what ideally will be a lifelong relationship.

I’ve been lucky in that, despite struggling with shyness, I’ve always been able to make friends, and lifelong friends at that. I’ve been friends with the notorious Senior Smoke since 3rd grade (we learned to paint on cave walls together). I have multiple friends from grade school who I talk/text to regularly. I don’t have any brothers, yet I’ve somehow managed to be a best man five times. So yeah, I’ve sorted out the concept of building friendships to some extent.

But not everyone learns how to do it so well. For example, one of my sons is very introverted and spends a lot of time by himself. Fortunately, although he’s alone, he never seems to be lonely. I want him to make more friends, and broaden his horizons and experiences a bit, except he’s just not all that interested in it. I guess I want to make sure he has someone to hang out with in case I get abducted by aliens or accidentally dragged to my death by my car (again). But you can’t force these things, I suppose.

Ultimately, making friends is a uniquely human experience, right? I mean, no other species really has the same concept. Sure, domesticated animals that live together in the same space might occasionally be friendly—we’ve all seen videos of cats and dogs interacting. But it’s not like they’re calling each other to spend the day at the beach, then go to the mall for pizza, hit the arcade to play a few games of Zaxxon, and cruise the Post Road trying to meet West Haven skeezers. (Which is what my buddy Milo and I did on any day we weren’t working during our college summer breaks.) Hamsters and parrots don’t stand in line together for 6 hours to see Return of the Jedi on opening night, like I did 36 (!) years ago this month with my friend Chris. Even though dolphins will hunt (and rape) other animals together, they don’t gather together every New Year’s Eve to watch Showgirls like it’s The Rocky Horror Picture Show, as I did with Big Balls Bob and his wife before we all had kids.

True friends have your back, and are there to celebrate and commiserate, often without asking. You look forward to and enjoy their company without reservation, and consequently often spend more of your life with them than actual blood relatives. Everyone understands what “a friend” is, even if they are incapable of making or keeping them.

However, some days it’s a challenge to figure out who is just someone you know who does the same things (say like a coworker) or clicks a button on a social media to earn the title, and who is someone who will stand in the middle of the street with you and laugh hard as water just dribbles down your face, even years later.

Sooo, here’s:

10 Ways to Tell if Someone is Actually Still Your Friend

1. They take the time to text you when the Jets are winning to say, “Stop smirking—your team still sucks.”
2. When you say, “This is …” they immediately respond, “chocolate babies.” Ditto for the best lines from your favorite obscure movies, such as “I kick ass for the Lord!“
3. They have more hope than you do that you’ll eventually hook up with your longtime crush.
4. They remember you have a blog, and occasionally still read it.
5. They do NOT text/email pictures of clowns on your birthday, even though they really want to.
6. When news breaks about aliens, bigfoots, Loch Ness monsters or other supernatural events, they reach out immediately. For instance, when Lorraine Warren recently died, I received more texts than articles I’ve written about local hauntings. (Side note: Still waiting for Lorraine to reach out from The Other Side—maybe like a message written in the condensation of the bathroom mirror after a shower: “Ed & I are always watching! So stop touching yourself so much—no one’s butt is that itchy.”
7. Speaking of, they know the chances of you being abducted by aliens are dramatically higher than your chances of ascending into heaven, or spontaneously human combusting. And they understand your ultimate demise will come, rather appropriately, courtesy of the melonheads.
8. When they invite you to dinner, they never serve anything smothered in onions or any sort of giant bug with claws from under the sea. And there’s always a chocolate-themed dessert because they also live by the incontrovertible rule it’s not dessert if it doesn’t have chocolate.
9. They smile, nod and even still chuckle a bit no matter how many times you overshare the details of your colonoscopy.
10. Even if you don’t hang out like you used to do, you still find the absolute silliest things to laugh at. You know, because even though you may get older and go down different paths, those goofy, water-spitting friends are always somewhere inside you.