helping kids – Ray Bendici

fight club

Jul 072013

So in a continuing effort to bond with my sons and share some of their interests, I sometimes will “challenge” them to video game contests—and by “challenge” I mean that we play some sort of video game where they repeatedly pummel me as I have no clue what the heck I’m doing. In the process, we have a few laughs together over my ineptitude and I like to think it brings us closer together.

If I haven’t mentioned it before, I am not much of a video gamer for the simple reason that it’s waaaay too easy for me to get sucked in, never to be seen again. When I was first dating my wife in the early 1990s (back before I had a computer), I’d find myself over her house spending countless hours playing Wolfenstein and SimCity on her dad’s computer—it’s a wonder she didn’t dump me.

Nonetheless, it became obvious to me that I really can become addicted to it in the blink of an eye. And as one who appreciates the brevity of Life, I’ve decided that I have better things to do than spend my precious time whiling away the hours working a joystick or furiously tapping away at a keyboard. As such, I just avoid them as much as I can, so I’ve never played many of the newer classics, from Angry Birds and Bejeweled Blitz to Draw Something and Candy Crush. Actually, I never played many of the older classics, either—no Mario, no Zelda, no Donkey Kong, no Sonic the Hedgehog … heck, I never even died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

Just sad, really.

Anyway, as mentioned, I thought I was overdue for some father-son bonding time, and since it’s about 116 degrees in the shade, an activity that could be done in the comfort of air conditioning seemed like the way to go.

My older son recently got Injustice: Gods Among Us for Xbox from one of his buddies, and I saw him playing it the other day, and it looked like … well, cool. It’s basically a fighting game, stocked with the heroes and villains from the DC universe—Batman, Superman, Flash, Green Lantern, Joker, Catwoman, etc. The visuals are terrific and the game play seems fairly straightforward and centuries beyond any Pong experience that I can recall from the halcyon days of my youth.

In particular, this sequence caught my eye—it’s Aquaman’s “super move.”

Totally cool, right?!!! Anything that can make Aquaman (long derided as being the lamest of super friends) look like a bad ass—and involves feeding opponents to sharks—I’d like to try at least once.

So we started playing and like I knew might happen, I found myself getting sucked in pretty quickly. I’ve rationalized it by saying that I’m spending time with my sons, but really, I’m also really just losing myself in the mindless fun of it.

But as you might expect, my mind never really rests, even when it’s supposed to be playing.

So I thought what this game needs is some special characters—but rather than take them from the DC universe, I thought they could come from the current real universe. Since Injustice sort of has each hero and their arch-nemesis, I thought I’d follow that pattern, too.

As such, here are some characters that could be added.

Barack Obama – Everyone wants to be President of the United States, right? So here’s your chance. Fighting moves include “The POTUS Punch,” “(Medieval) Flail From the Chief” and “The Violent Veto.”
• Super Move: “ObamaFlair,” where the President strolls up to his opponent and just nods casually at them—a detachment of Secret Service agents appear and beat down the opponent, leaving them bleeding in the middle of the screen. An unmanned aerial drone then comes screaming in and unleashes a firestorm of missiles, completely vaporizing the opponent.

Donald Trump – The nemesis of Obama, and the working poor, too. Fighting moves include “The Birth Certificate Shakedown,” “The Trump Thump” and “The Uptown Lowdown.”
• Super Move: “The Toupée Flambé,” where The Donald’s limo first runs repeatedly over the opponent, and after they are beaten down, Trump jumps out of the back seat, yanks off his bad hair and shoves it into his opponent’s throat until they are choking. He then lights a $100 bill, holds it dramatically, then touches it to the toupée, which bursts in a white-hot flame that torches his opponent. He then stands over them, laughs and says, “You’re fired!”

Charles Ramsey – Sure, his 15 minutes of fame for helping to rescue three women being held hostage in Cleveland might be up, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be immortalized in a video game. Fighting moves include “Kick It Down,” “The 15-Minute Firestorm” and “Cleveland Rocks.”
• Super Move: “The Big Mac Attack,” where Ramsey stuns an opponent with a door, then stuffs burgers down his opponent’s throat until they bloat up and explode, resulting in pickles, lettuce, tomatoes and ground beef (human and cow) to rain down.

Rush Limbaugh – The nemesis of Ramsey and non-whites everywhere. Fighting moves include “The Mega Ditto Mash,” “The Racist Ramble” and “The Bully Pulpit.”
• Super Move: “The Pill Popper,” where Limbaugh first sits on the head of his opponent, causing them to become weak, and as they stumble around, Limbaugh reaches inside his jacket, takes out a giant vial of pills, pops them into his mouth and then spits them out like machine gun bullets, tearing his opponent to shreds.

Chris Kluwe – The well-spoken punter of the Oakland Raiders, a huge World of Warcraft aficionado who grabbed headlines by sending a scathing open letter defending gay marriage to ignorant Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. Fighting moves include “Dropkick to Homophobic Balls,” “Necessary Roughness” and “Hero Spell.”
• Super Move: “The Death Punt,” where Kluwe whips out his WoW sword and severs his opponent’s skull, which he then grabs and kicks across the Injustice world—leaving a gay pride rainbow in its wake—and through a fiery goal post at the other end. After it explodes, Kluwe just nods his head while Andres Cantor’s screams “Gooooooooool!!!!”

Fred Phelps – As the leader of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, he is the scourge of intelligence and decency everywhere, and a natural nemesis of Kluwe. Fighting moves include “Haterade Parade,” “Attention Whore Galore” and “Prince of Lies.”
• Super Move: “The Picket Line,” where Phelps points at his opponent and screams “Heathen!” which summons forth his inbred followers to do his dirty work that includes beating his opponent senseless with their handheld signs. When woozy, he then calls in his pack of lawyers, who feast on the opponent and tear away his flesh like a hungry jackals while Phelps basks in the glow of heavenly light.

Matt Harvey – The Connecticut-born ace of the New York Mets pitching staff, a.k.a “The Dark Knight of Gotham.” Fighting moves include “The Mystic Warrior,” “Flamethrower” and ”
• Super Move: “Strike Three!” where Harvey scorches three flaming baseballs by his opponent simultaneously, which set the opponent on fire. The opponent instantaneously burns to a crisp and crumbles into a pile of ashes, which are casually swept up by an umpire.

Alex Rodriguez – “A*ROID,” admitted steroid abuser and MLB cheater, is the antithesis of Harvey and all the players who compete by the rules. Fighting moves include “The Grand Slam,” “Phony Baloney” and “The Big Choker.”
• Super Move: “Roid Rage,” where Rodriguez grabs a giant hypodermic needle and sticks it in his opponent’s butt—his opponent immediately sprouts zits on their back, his testicles shrink and he starts to swell up with muscles (like Violet in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). Rodriguez then grabs a bat and hits them, causing them to explode.

Melissa McCarthy – The full-figured, humble and hugely talented star of TV and movies. Fighting moves include “The Badonkadonk Beatdown,” “Box Office Boffo” and “The Laugh Factory.”
• Super Move: “The Gut Buster,” where McCarthy makes her opponent watch her clips, getting them to laugh harder and harder … at first they pee themselves, then they get hiccups, and finally, they just split a gut—literally—and bleed out, expiring with a smile on their face.

Justin Bieber – A scrawny teenaged heartthrob who may have had aspirations of being a genuine entertainer but is quickly becoming just another Hollywood douchebag. Fighting moves include “The Pin Up,” “The Twitter Splitter” and “Beauty and a Beating.”
• Super Move: “Bieber Fever,” where Bieber stops the fight, pulls out a cell phone and Tweets something. Suddenly, a hook drops from the ceiling and the doors of the fight arena open simultaneously; Bieber grabs on to the hook and ascends while thousands of screaming teenaged girls flood in through the doors and, deprived of a chance to be with Justin, attack the hapless opponent just standing there, literally tearing him from limb to limb.

helicopter failing

Jun 232013

A little housekeeping first: On July 16, I will be at the Old State House in Hartford speaking ill of the dead and Connecticut jerks, which also includes a special Connecticut Jerks panel discussion moderated by Diane Smith of the Connecticut Network and featuring two awesome Connecticut writers whose works I plagiar—er, *used as sources* to write my book: Charley Monagan and M. William Phelps. Hope to see you there!

* * * * *

So as I attended my son’s graduation the other day, it got me to thinking that although I’m proud of his successes and accomplishments, I still can’t help but feel as though I’m failing him and his brother on some levels. Time flies by so quickly, and we don’t get to teach them all the things we want. Not only that, but we also spend an inordinate amount of effort on subjects that aren’t particularly useful in the long run. And then you read all these stories about how American kids are falling farther and farther behind the counterparts around the world …

“U-S-A NUMBER ONE!”—amiright?

Well, just because Evel Knievel put it on the side of his helmet doesn’t make it true. (Although that really should be enough.)

Of course, I can’t go back and undo some of the things I’ve done as a parent, but at least I can throw some thoughts out there that may help other parents and the next generation to not set up their kids to fail.

A few thoughts …

The cow goes “moo” – Like many parents, I spent many hours of my sons’ formative years reading to them, but the majority of those early years included *lots* of books dedicated to correctly identifying barnyard animals and the noises that make because … we live on a farm? We may be suddenly overrun by a herd of pigs? There’s a chance that toddlers might find themselves trapped by a gang of psychotic roosters in a hen house and may need to cluck their way to freedom?

If you want to teach them useful information about animals, how about things like, “‘Hsss’ goes the rabid racoon you see in the backyard during the middle of the day!” or “‘Squeak’ goes the squirrel trying to nest in your attic so it can chew through your power lines!” or even “‘____’ goes the spider that is never more than six feet away from you at any given moment and is probably thinking RIGHT NOW about laying eggs in your ear canal while you sleep.”

Talking animals – In the same vein, our kids spend the majority of their childhoods constantly exposed to the possibility that animals can secretly converse to each other in the Queen’s English. Seriously, flip around the kids channels some time and just start counting the number of shows where the animals can speak—it’s almost every single one!

It’s so pervasive that there’s no way that children aren’t wasting significant portions of their mental reserves to constantly remind themselves that, oh yeah, despite the barks, meows and clicking noises that dolphins make, animals can’t make human conversation, and even if they could, it wouldn’t be much beyond what Up‘s Dug offered.

Rather than wait around for the family cat to give that TED talk, why not teach our kids another language, especially given current birthrates and population statistics, English will not be enough to get by with this in the global marketplace.

Animated backpacks, sentient racing cars and creepy trains with faces – Sticking with the theme, our kids are exposed to lots of animate inanimate objects, which until SKYNET rises up, shouldn’t be much of a concern.

Now look, I don’t want to hear about stifling creativity and imagination—have you talked to a 5-year-old? They have plenty of that stuff to spare, trust me. And you don’t have to forgo it—how about just swapping in shows that challenge the imagination and creativity with subjects like science, technology and math rather than figuring out how to use a talking map that tells you exactly where to go.

I’d like to teach the world to sing – Music can be a powerful learning tool, but in regard to kids, we use to keep abreast of things like the status of tiny arachnids and their adventures navigating outdoor plumbing or the perils of keeping babies in ill-advised treetop cribs.

See, even by vaguely alluding to those childhood songs, you just recalled them immediately!

Personally, there are two pieces of learning that I recall vividly from decades ago because they were set to music:

1. In 8th grade, our math teacher Mr. Betzig taught us that “Perimeter equals two times a side plus two times a side—woo!”

2. “Cheers” taught me everything I know about Albania.

Everyone gets a trophy – As I’ve said before, I think it’s more than okay to lose on occasion; heck, if no one ever has to swallow the bitter taste of defeat, then they will never hunger for success. And rewarding people for simple “participation” seems to set up false expectations down the line.

Let’s put it this way: How many trophies have you gotten at work for just showing up every day? Exactly.

If I could brag a bit, I’ve seen this work first hand, with both my sons.

First: My younger son Kade has been taking karate classes for the past five years, which includes a big end-of-the-year tournament. He has gone every year and has never won a trophy or medal, only given to the top four in each group; he did receive a trophy one year, but that was because there were only three kids in his section and he finished third. He was actually angry and embarrassed about it.

Over the past year, he has worked his butt off, and by “worked his butt off,” I mean he has kicked my butt practicing sparring. This year, he finished fourth in a larger group and took home a medal—you would’ve thought the thing was made of actual gold, he was so psyched by it.

Second: My other son recently received an award at school for “Most Respectful” student. When I went to congratulate him, he said everyone in the class who didn’t win an academic achievement award literally got one of these awards instead. And he wasn’t too thrilled about it, as you can see below:

“Baby on Board” car window signs – I’m thinking that everyone might be better served if the baby was in a car seat rather than on a board. I mean, what about splinters? Just seems like a bad plan ….

Okay, maybe that last one isn’t exactly a waste of parenting efforts, just saw it in a car window the other day and it struck me funny. Clearly, I need to be struck more often.

Anyway, I’ll keep working on a new curriculum. We’ll get our kids and the U.S.A. back to the top!

what every parent needs

Jun 122013

So the other night we got together with my Damned Connecticut partners Kate and Steve, and as we were trying to keep their toddler away from things like the TV, phone and that rusty barbed wire sculpture we keep precariously perched atop the python cage, we started brainstorming some ideas for child-care inventions that could help all of humanity.

Here are a few that came from the altruistic parts of our grey matter:

Kiddie hamster ball – Steve came up with this one, and it’s as simple as it sounds: a hamster ball big enough for a toddler to fit inside so they can go all over the place but without actually getting their hands on important items like TV remotes or computers. Plus, they are protected from sharp edges or other things they might bump themselves on.

Giant water bottle – Again, using the hamster model, this would be a giant bottle of water that you’d set up in the corner of the room, and like a hamster, a kid would be able to go up to it any time they wanted to get a drink. Obviously, other fluids—milk, juice, benadryl—could be substituted, but it would help foster independence and self-reliance, not to mention cut back on the amount of juice boxes that end up in landfills.

Re-loadable diapers – Okay, this is probably only practical for wet diapers—but we’re talking about a sectioned diaper system where the fronts of the diapers are removable (they can be held in with velcro). When a kid urinates, rather than struggle to change the entire diaper, the absorbent front section is simply ripped off and a fresh dry front section is slapped into place. Think about it—most times you end up throwing away a half-used diaper, so to save the planet, you only disposing of fully used diapers!

“Kiddy” litter – Another one of Steve’s ideas, and again, it’s pretty straightforward. If you don’t like the re-loadable diaper and would like to avoid all that work of toilet training, just let the little ones just go as they play! Turn that sandbox into a litter box! Simply scoop away any clumps, re-rake and they’re set to go (so to speak).

The “You Are Not” Playset – Action figures based on my nearly-viral children’s book that helps kids realize that they they are not special and that they will never be President, a millionaire or a professional athlete, but that’s all okay.

Really, there’s not much to this playset outside of the action figure, so if you’re thinking that you’re getting an amazing super cool toy, well … you are not.

Chlorofriends – I’ve written about this before. Basically you’d have stuffed animals with names like Sleepy Sting Ray or Dr. Snoozikins to help young children fall asleep. When each Chlorofriend is given a loving squeeze, it emits a playful cloud of chloroform, sure to send even the most stubborn rug rat to dreamland. (Also available in pillowcases.)

Magnetic pants – This is for ADD-challenged kids who have a hard time sitting in their seats for extended durations, say like during a whole meal—you know, like a civilized human being. These metal-lined pants work in conjunction with a powerful electromagnetic chair: When an overactive urchin starts getting up, just hit the switch and *ZAP* they are pulled back into the proper seated position. Can be modified for use in restaurants, houses of worship, movie theaters, trains, libraries, strip clubs or anywhere else kids tend to run around too much.

the friday five: kid stuff

Nov 162012

Okay, I know that maybe all my attempts to help kids haven’t always worked out well, so this time I thought I’d go to an actual expert to share some tips.

Out of all the toys, knickknacks and gifts I got as a new parent, there was probably none that was better than the book Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker. I can’t recommend it highly enough as it gives sane, practical advice for every parent. Actually, I’ve recommended it so much and loaned my copy to so many people that I don’t have it on my bookshelf anymore. Oopsie!

I know I got a lot out of the book, and I’m reassured by the dozens of five-star reviews from people who seem to have gotten the same confidence that I got from the book.

Anyway, if you’re not already familiar with de Becker or the book, here’s the official summary:

All parents face the same challenges when it comes to their children’s safety: whom to trust, whom to distrust, what to believe, what to doubt, what to fear, and what not to fear. In this empowering book, Gavin de Becker, the nation’s leading expert on predicting violent behavior and author of the monumental bestseller The Gift of Fear, offers practical new steps to enhance children’s safety at every age level, giving you the tools you need to allow your kids freedom without losing sleep yourself. With daring and compassion, he shatters the widely held myths about danger and safety and helps parents find some certainty about life’s highest-stakes questions.

I also suggest visiting de Becker’s site as there’s lot of great advice for just dealing with life.

Okay, I know this all sounds like some sort of cult or infomercial, but I really felt better after reading de Becker’s stuff, and genuinely thought he helped make me and my wife better parents.

In fact, here are

Five Great Parenting Tips from Gavin de Becker

1. Teach children that if they are ever lost, find a woman, preferably one with other kids. Why? From the book: “First, if your child selects a woman, it’s highly unlikely that the woman will be a predator; a woman is likely to stop whatever she is doing, commit to that child, and not rest until the child is safe.”

He points out how most men, although meaning well, are more likely to give a lost child directions to find help rather than actually get involved with them, while a woman—politically correct to say or not—has natural motherly instincts that prevent her from just walking away from a lost child.

He also talks about how we people tell their kids to find a police officer, which he points out is pretty much sheer folly nowadays, as cops are no longer walking a beat around a neighborhood. As he says, “Teaching this to a young child ignores several facts: All identifying credentials, insignias, badges and nameplates are above the waist, but a young child sees a world of legs. In fact, many children get lost in the first place because of following legs (the wrong set): Legs aren’t that distinctive when viewed from two and a half feet off the ground.”

Fortunately so far, we haven’t ever lost our kids, but we make sure to remind them on a regular basis that if we ever get separated, they need to find a woman to help them.

2. Teaching a kid to *NOT* talk to strangers is a BAD rule. First off, he says kids see parents breaking this rule constantly, talking to strangers at the grocery store, at the bank, in restaurants, at libraries, in museums and pretty much everywhere else. And when kids see parents continually breaking their own rule, it sends a terrible mixed message.

He also points out that the idea behind this is the notion that children are constantly abducted by strangers; he then shows that the truth is that more than 90 percent of all child abductions and abuses are perpetrated by people who the child knows, not random candy-proffering freaks in rape vans.

de Becker has a great plan for teaching kids from when they’re toddlers the proper way to approach strangers and how to talk to them, ultimately helping them nurture their own ability to determine who can be trusted and who should avoided.

3. Trust your instincts. A big part of his philosophy talks about how many times people will instinctively recognize that something is wrong or a bad situation is about to happen, but chose to override those instincts.

He makes a great comparison to a doe at a pond with its fawns; if it suddenly senses something is wrong and runs, no human would bat an eyelash, simply chalking it up to “Oh well, its instincts told it there was danger near.”

Yet humans are animals, too, and thus have the same sort of instincts available to them, and constantly let our “rational” minds overrule our instincts. In short, we don’t listen to the “fight-or-flight” instinct that we all have, and tell ourselves things like, “Well, he’s a friend, so he couldn’t possibly be molesting my child,” when, again, the truth of the matter is that the majority of kids who are molested are molested by someone they know.

4. If someone is overly interested in your children or is being overly nice, be aware. Think about it—if someone is trying too hard to be too friendly to your kids, chances are it’s to overcompensate for the creep vibe that they are sending out and that your instincts might be picking up on.

Also, in most situations, no one is going to be more interested in your child than you.

5. Don’t go quietly. This always stuck out in mind as great advice for anyone in a potential hostage situation.

In the section of the book where de Becker talks about children—and specifically, adolescent girls—getting abducted, he says one thing that abductors commonly say is, “Be quiet and you won’t get hurt.” He points out that really what an abductor is saying at that moment is, “If you make a lot of noise right now, I am extremely vulnerable and chances are you will either disrupt whatever plan that I have or this is the prime moment for you to escape.”

Of course, he encourages anyone to fight rather than go along peacefully because more times than not, those who go quietly are never heard from again.

the truth about bullies

Jul 082012

Okay—the (the imagined) demand has been overwhelming for a sequel to my much beloved (it *almost* went viral!) and original attempt at a children’s book, You Are Not. (Which was totally ripped off—pretty sure this guy stole from my blog, which came first by two months). Unlike the real entertainment world, I wanted to make sure I had a proper subject and story rather than just bang out a You Are Not 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and finally hit upon something that I can address from (lots of) personal experience. Hope you, and your children, enjoy!

(And as always, illustrations by my son Zane.)

The Truth About Bullies

If you’re like most people, you are not special.

Yay, indeed.

However, it also means that at some point, you have been probably minding your own business, either at school or on the playground, when you’ve been accosted by a person, usually bigger, who has been mean to you, tried to take something from you by force, or even beat you up for just existing in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Congratulations! You have been bullied.

And it sucks.

If you were lucky, the only hurt to you was physical, as that usually heals pretty quickly. If your bully made you scared or feel really bad about yourself, then it’s going to take you years to get over it, probably with the need of some expensive therapy where you also find out that you suffer from self-esteem issues, you’re borderline OCD or that all the other kids probably don’t fantasize about removing the skin from their dog and wearing it over their head like one of the Lost Boys from Peter Pan ….

Anyway, you’ve most likely already been inundated with info about the steps to take when you’re bullied, so being a good, rule-following student, you first try to ignore it, but when that doesn’t work (and it almost never does in grade school), you go to your teacher to tell her what happened. And she says, “It’s okay, I’ll take care of it!”
Which is code for “Chillax, little dude, I’ll get the bullying to stop.”

But it won’t.