So I saw this story the other day about the Netherlands-based Mars One project is looking for non-astronaut volunteers to help start a colony on Mars. In other words, they want a bunch of regular Joes to shoot into space ….

From the link above:

Mars One isn’t zeroing in on scientists or former fighter pilots; anyone who is at least 18 years old can apply to become a Mars colony pioneer. The most important criteria, officials say, are intelligence, good mental and physical health and dedication to the project, as astronauts will undergo eight years of training before launch.

Now I definitely fit most of the criteria—arguably “normal,” over 18, decent health, some intelligence—although I do not have eight years of training to dedicate to the training program. I am also not crazy about another cost-savings facet of the mission not mentioned in that story: that’s it’s a one-way trip.

That’s right—sign up and you are agreeing to leave Earth … FOREVER.

I would love to explore space, but I’d prefer to do so with the caveat of coming back to my beloved planet of origin (or what I think is my planet of origin—although if it turns out it wasn’t, it might explain *A LOT*). Apparently, not everyone feels the same way about a space trip not returning to Earth, as the program has already gotten over 1,000 applications in only a few days. As the Dutch say: “Say la vie….”

Well, since I can’t go, I thought about who I would want to volunteer for a one-way trip to Mars. As you might expect, the list was surprisingly long.

Rather than reach for the low-hanging fruit, such as the cast of “Jersey Shore” or that coven of no-talent attention whores that everyone tries to keep up with for some reason or the entire congregation of the Westboro Baptist Church—all those should be on the first one-way mission directly into *the Sun*—I have attempted to come up with

Five Non-Astronauts Who Should Be on A Trip to Colonize Mars

1. Mike Rowe – As the host of “Dirty Jobs,” Rowe is useful because he could do pretty much any task you need in setting up a colony, from farming mushroom and making cheese to mining coal and birthing cattle to cleaning poop and castrating sheep with his teeth. Tell me any of that wouldn’t be important on the Red Planet.

2. Mary Roach – As the author of Packing for Mars and a terrific science writer, Roach understands the logistics behind the mission and what’s actually involved with preparing for the journey, and will undoubtedly provide an entertaining chronicle of the adventure. I mean, if she’s willing to ride on the Vomit Comet and drink her own urine, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing she won’t do.

3. James Franco – Because there’s nothing he can’t do, right? Seriously, the guy can write, teach, dance, act, direct, paint, play sports, perform magic, has about a bajillion interests … I’m thinking “fly a space ship” and “father a new race on another planet” is probably already on his To Do list anyway.

4. Lance Armstrong – He’s athletic, is used to endurance-type endeavors (even without the PEDs) and really isn’t up to all that much these days since the lifetime ban came down. This would also be a prime opportunity for him to rehabilitate his image. The only caveat is that he’d have to wear the red shirt.

5. Courtney Love – Obviously, every team needs a wild card, and clearly Ms. Love would fit that role. Also, pretty sure that like cockroaches and tardigrades, she is essentially indestructible and could withstand anything the cosmos might hurl at her, from high doses of radiation to space herpes. And with her on board, there absolutely would never be a dull moment!