it’s a blog post – Ray Bendici

well, i hope you’re happy …

Apr 202020

… So I was just trying to mind my own business and sort out this danged rayality, and now with so much danged time on my hands and out of household projects, I’ve got to resort to this crap again! “Oh, type something funny blog monkey, entertain us!”

Ugh. I hate you people, even when you’re not around!

So having extra time to contemplate the Universe, I’ve decided to … uh … contemplate the Universe!

Hey, I’ve always loved space and astronomy, and all the wonder of the endless cosmos that surround this tiny blue marble. In fact, it was just about a year ago in this space that I was trying to wrap my mind around the first-ever images of a black hole in outer space, among other cool features and images from well beyond our earthbound existence.

If you’re inclined to notice, the pace of the discoveries being made by astronomers and astrophysicists around the globe is continuing unabated. It seems as if every day they’re finding new exoplanets (more than 50 already in 2020), spotting interstellar objects (such as Oumuamua), and unraveling more and more mysteries about dark matter, black holes and all manner of interstellar mystery.

Oh, and what about all the new constellations! It doesn’t get as much notice as some of the other space stories out there, but there’s been a slew of new connect-the-stars drawings. In 2018, NASA made headlines when it named 21 new constellations that have been identified using the Fermi Gamma-ray Space Telescope. The Hulk (because of the gamma-ray connection), Godzilla, the Starship Enterprise, and Dr. Who’s Tardis are among the latest official additions to the lore of the night sky. Such mirth and madcappery! Who says scientists are boring? Pah!

Of course, with all the other news as of late, you may have missed some of the brandy-new ones that were recently added. Always eager to spread knowledge, let me share a few with you:

First up, if you look to the Western spring sky, is Manny the Manatee—

A bit crude, but you can see him … you know, if you squint a bit.

Next is Steve, the Fisherman …

Again, a tad of imagination is needed, but you can see it. Sort of.

Now if you’re worried that Steve is lonely up there in the Heavens all by himself, don’t worry! Just a few galaxies over is Bertha the Librarian.

Awww … she’s a cutie, right? And I bet she’s a lot of fun when those glasses come off—watch out, Steve!

Speaking of more fun, to the Far North, there’s Squatchy the Sasquatch!

Not exactly a looker, but hey, I’m sure to the right Bigfoot, she’s a … uh … another Bigfoot. I’m not one to judge. Love is love.

And everyone loves dogs, right? Turn South and say hi to Hector, the Support Chihuahua!

He looks sorta mean for support pup, no? Well, I’m sure he makes some nervous frequent flyer happy, even if he’s not all that friendly.

Oh, you know who’s always a friendly? Dorothy the Dinosaur!

Romp-pomp-a-chomp!

And while we’re on iconic children’s figures, how can we have a party in the sky without Fudgie the Whale?!

And, of course, a quasar to the left, his good friend Cookie Puss!

Hmm … not sure why, but do they kind of look … oh, never mind! I’m just seeing things.

Okay, I’m not going to pretend to understand this one, but hey, it’s Flappers the Two-Headed Goat!

Yay? Hmmm …

Finally, this one over the night skies of Philly is simply called Ongo the Influencer.

Derivative!

Anyway, always happy to drop some knowledge on you all. Sweet dreams my little blogaroos!

don’t call it a comeback

Feb 232019

A little mood music …

So I know no one really drops by here anymore—myself included. It’s been a while since I conjured up any fresh content (as the hipster marketers now call it), and rayality has gone fallow.

I can bore you with what happened—got distracted, got depressed, got lazy, got lost, got excuses like Cool James got rhymes—but you don’t want to read that. Well, I don’t want to type any of that, to be honest. And if you can’t be honest on the intrawebz, well …

So if you’ve read this far, you’re probably waiting for something entertaining or stupid to happen. Or something stupidly entertaining …

Me too!

To paraphrase KISS: Blogging is like a muscle and you make me want to flex!

Okay, that doesn’t quite work like it did in my head. But nothing really works like it does in my head, so no surprise there.

Essentially, I’ve been sorta floundering lately in terms of creativity. I have a half-dozen different projects started, and another two or three I’m trying to bring to the front burner, and sorta failing at all of them. And I think it’s because I’m out of practice. One good thing about the heyday of my blogging is that it kept my brain churning up new stuff. And not forcing myself to post at least once a week has let my brain get mushier than my midsection.

That being said, a few weeks ago, I started doing a bit of cross-training in addition to my running. I still hate exercising, but I always like having exercised—and the results afterward. I have a little more energy, a little more motivation, a little less flab. I mean, I’m not jacked enough that I could compete on the Titan Games …

But with small steps, I’m going in the right direction.

So I had a mini-epiphany today that maybe if I tried crafting a blog post or two, I could get my brain going again. And as I’ve been typing this, it’s actually been working. I’m feeling all those feels that used to sweep over me when I have my writing swerve on. That or it’s the impending stroke being fueled by the second 5-Hour Energy of the day that I just popped. (I’d say, “Kids, don’t try this at home” … but I am at home.)

Anyone else smell toast?

So keeping with the theme, rather than talk about all the bad things that seem to be making a comeback lately (Nazis, measles, defending indefensible behavior, etc.), I’ll swing it around to some of the good things that are due for a second act.

In fact, here are …

The Top 5 Things Overdue For a Comeback

Normally I’d do 10, but I’m still easing back into the groove.

1. Debbie (or Deborah) Gibson—My one-time future wife (and maybe once-again future wife as we’re both single now!) hasn’t been at the top of the charts in a bit. When I actually interviewed her a few years back, she said she was waiting for her “big, Cher-like comeback hit.” Debbie will be turning back time this year as part of the “MixTape 2019” tour with NKOTB, Salt-n-Pepa, Tiffany, and Naughty by Nature, which is coming to Connecticut in July. Backstage passes anyone? I’ll just leave this here in the meantime …

2. The New York Jets—I’m sorry, did you forget you’re in rayality? Eight years since the playoffs, so they are more than overdue and I’m not getting any younger! (Although other than Keanu Reeves, who is?)

3. Journalism—If only I could think of an example of how digging old-school into a story for sources and facts—oh, such as about a presidential candidate’s claims—rather than giving them an open platform to spew countless lies just to get more clicks and higher ratings, could have an impact on the world. If only …

4. That white leisure suit I had in the ’70s with Washington crossing the Delaware emblazoned on the back—Around the time of the U.S. bicentennial (1976, for your math-challenged dweebs), there were lots of interesting fashion … uh … choices, including the particularly hip set of aforementioned threads that my parents had bought me. Essentially, think this, but on the back of the coolest clothes that era could produce.

I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but if I had that bad boy back now, I’d be cooler than that block of ice in that image!

5. Fred Rogers—Not sure how to make this actually happen without a oujia board, a goat’s heart and the blood of Nikola Tesla, but we can sure use a heaping dose of civility and decency. Without hopping too high atop my soapbox, let’s just say being kind to others, listening to one another, focusing on the positive, and treating strangers like our neighbors might be a good place to start. At least there’s this, which I cannot recommend highly enough.

All right … my left arm is tingling, there’s this shiny light and—hey, is that …GRANDMA HELEN?! Gotta go!

things

Feb 152016

I used to do this a lot but . . . things happened. Not necessarily bad things or good things, just lots of distracting (in some cases) and random (in other cases) things that all came together in an unfortunate series of things that made it nearly impossible to sit down at a computer to poke my brain so it would spit out other things on a regular basis.

Suffice to say that cobbling together cohesive and arguably entertaining thoughts just wasn’t a thing.

But hey, now this is a thing—

Good jorb, people.

Clearly, I can’t leave you all on your own for any amount of time. At least the universe had the decency to rain down a Sharknado or three to balance it out.

So in the relatively short time that I’ve been off dealing with my things, other things have changed. In particular, our culture, which is now fraught with “percolating outrage.” You know, that pent-up anger that seems to be simmering right below the surface and often manifests itself in a laser-focused and social media-guided torrent of politically correct backlash to any perceived slight or misstep.

It seems as though righteous indignation is now wielded like a Whac-a-mole mallet, ready to pound down on any vaguely non-PC comment or idea that has the temerity to pop up on the hyper-sensitive cultural landscape.

So I’ve hesitated diving back into our lovely cesspool of pop, intrawebz and things for fear of offending someone (either on purpose or inadvertently) and then losing my job, family, house, car, and/or collection of Joan Jett cassettes while I feverishly try to apologize to everyone on the planet, as well as every entity in the near parts of the Milky Way and their unborn anal-probing descendants. Because that’s the protocol now, right? Say/tweet/post something potentially provocative, apologize profusely, cross fingers and wait for the next distraction to come along . . . .

Unless you’re Bill Cosby, because, you know … rape.

Oops—I used the word “rape”! I preemptively apologize to all the victims of violent crimes, throughout history, now and forever, for using the actual word to describe a particular heinous act in regard to someone accused of repeatedly perpetrating that act. It was not my intention to offend. Mea culpa!

I also would like to apologize to anyone who has had an unfortunate incident with a grape, because that has “rape” in it—that apology also extends to anyone who has ever drank grape juice, eaten a sandwich with grape jelly or jam, or even considers themselves an oenophile. Better extend that to drinkers of grape Nehi, consumers of Grape-Nuts, the late Euell Gibbons, fans of Grape Ape and also the California Raisins, just to be sure.

Sorry if that’s not sorry enough for you.

So anywhoo, other than the possibility that Billy Eichner may now be my spirit animal, here’s what I’ve learned in our time apart:

1. The backstory for the virus that launches “The Walking Dead” and wipes out humanity most likely involves Charlie Sheen.

2. “Social” media is generally a misnomer.

3. If orange is the new black, that might explain why saying you’re going to vote for Donald Trump is so fashionable.

Do not adjust your monitor for optimum oompaloompaliciousness

4. Continuing to get angry over the Kardashians is like being upset with the universe itself. Just accept that both are bigger than all of us, no one can really explain any of it, and that ultimately, it’s all mostly large expanses of cold nothing.

5. Speaking of space: Probes have reached Pluto, human missions are being planned for Mars, and you can no longer see John Goodman from the International Space Station.

Nice job, Johnny!

6. Honey Boo Boo had the cultural staying power of … Honey Boo Boo. Who knew? And I think that we’ll continue to be okay as long as these two phrases don’t cross the streams anywhere but here: “Mama June” & “Dating Naked.” [*Although feel free to insert your own “Naked and Afraid” joke here*]

7. There is still no cure for AIDS, cancer or Bieber fever.

8. The fact that any discussion of Hillary Clinton starts with a disclaimer like, “I know she’s the most qualified candidate, but …” tells you she’s about as likeable as Caillou. (“I’m just a kid’s who’s four, each day I grow some more, people hope cancer’s in store … for Caillou!”)

9. Kanye—the Joffrey to Hillary’s Caillou, but without all the Purple Wedding laughs.

10. Playing Cards Against Humanity with your parents, your whore sister and teen-aged sons—all at the same time—will leave you only a little less scarred than Deadpool.

Cards Against Humanity make me wanna shoop!

On the plus side, I’ve also become addicted to 5-Hour Energy and the glorious heart palpitations that come with it, so I’m not sure this is whole thing is going to work out well …

Oh well. What could possibly go wrong?

it’s a blog post, charlie brown!

Jan 012014

So the other night, I’m watching TV with my two sons when we notice that on one of our 2,304 channels is “Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.”

“Did we ever see that one?” Zane asks.

“See it? I’ve never even heard of it!” I answer.

And with good reason—as it was one of the less memorable (read: more lame) Peanuts specials to come down the pike. Seriously, the main plot revolves around Charlie Brown having to read War and Peace over his holiday vacation for a book report! It’s like someone said, “Hmm … Peanuts specials are pretty slow moving in the first place, so what can we do to grind it to an absolute halt and suck all the joy out of it? I know! Let’s throw in one of the most dense works in the history of literature! It’ll be awesome—kids eat up Tolstoy!!!”

So we sit through it as a social experiment of sorts, and yeah, it’s as depressing as any Peanuts special—Charlie Brown doesn’t have any fun at the New Year’s Eve party because he’s stuck reading, and he misses out on his chance to hook up with The Little Red-Haired Girl. (Note: During the show, Charlie Brown calls her “Heather,” so at least that Eternal Mystery is solved.) Oh, and if Life—aka, the cruel hand of Charles M. Schultz—doesn’t slap down ol’ Chuck hard enough, he gets a D- on the book report.

After it’s over, we all sort of start joking about how sad it was. Zane asks if anyone has ever done something about when the Peanuts kids grow up, and I suggest that all you’d see is a tombstone for Charlie Brown after he ODs, which prompts the three of us, in our twisted way, to come up with—