here we go … again

Sep 082013
 

Through the gauzy mists of sleep, I sense my wife gingerly rolling out of bed … “What time is it?” I ask before she can escape the bedroom.

She says

“7:12 a.m.”

Only six more hours to New York Jets football, I immediately think. (Sad but absolutely true.) I get out of bed and head to the shower. Even though every NFL analyst has predicted that the Jets will be the worst team in the NFL this season, I still am filled with unbridled optimism at the season that might be. Check with back with me in 12 hours.

7:32 a.m. I cut my fingernails so I won’t be tempted to chew them off during the game.

7:56 a.m. I begin one of my most longest-standing game-day rituals—doing my laundry. I’m not quite sure how this started (possibly in quest of having a special “good luck” shirt ready for kickoff), but it’s what I do now. If anything, it provides a distraction, and besides, there’s something very calming about folding clothes still warm from the dryer.

8:17 a.m. I sit down at the computer and start going through the roll call of NFL sites that I feel that I can stomach, which admittedly has been greatly reduced over the past years as the Jets have been in the headlines for all the wrong reasons. Other than my cyber buddies over at TheJetsBlog, there’s not an iota of optimism out there regarding the Jets or their chances for winning today. It may be a long day, and an even longer season. Sigh.

9:46 a.m. Time for a snack. I *really* want Pop Tarts, but for some reason, pouring 30 grams of processed sugar into my already buzzing system doesn’t seem like a particularly smart plan. I opt for a pear. Yawn.

10:02 a.m. I check on my fantasy football team. The real NFL season started on Thursday night with the Baltimore Ravens getting their butts handed to them by Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos 49-27, and although disastrous for the defending Super Bowl champs, it was good for my B.A.L.L.S. …

Yes, at the behest of my son Kade who is starting to get into fantasy football, we named our team the Bendici ALL Stars, or B.A.L.L.S. for short. At least he’s actually 12 . . . I don’t have an excuse.

Anyway, thanks to Thursday’s high-scoring game, we’re already winning 38-5—we’re going to need every point as we’re up against a team that has Tom Brady. Hopefully, rather than seeing the TD-throwing machine that normally is Brady, we’ll see this guy later today—

Oh Tommy, I know it was only a second in time, but it has brought me HOURS of laughs.

Again, check with me later.

10:29 a.m. Screw it, Pop Tart time! I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Besides, I plan on running off my frustration later. How often does the NFL season start anyway?! (Very weak rationalization, I know.) GIVE ME SUGAR NOW!!!!!

11:05 a.m. SUGARRRRRRR!!!! YEAHHHHH!! How can it only still be 11 am? What the hell?!!

11:12 a.m. Another game-day ritual—a pregame phone call with my buddy Bob, a diehard Patriots fan. He invites me over to his house to watch football (the Patriots-Bills contest will be on), but even as he does, he knows that I will decline to watch the Jets. We make plans to get together for the Pats-Jets game on Thursday night, talk a bit of fantasy football and wish each other well, even though we both not-so-secretly hope each other’s team loses. Like on any given Sunday, I’ll be hearing from multiple times later in the day.

11:30 a.m. I put on the TV to try and watch some NFL pre-game stuff, but quickly turn it off. I used to be glued to these shows, but now it’s just a bunch of shouting heads shouting at each other about the most inane stories—mostly insipid off-the-field story lines and very little actual analyses of NFL games, which is what I—and true NFL fans—prefer. These shows are for the casual fans, and they are welcome to them.

Noon One hour to kickoff! Time for some lunch—I’ve never did a bunch tailgate thing as most regular Sundays, I’m watching Jets games by myself or just with my sons. (For other games, I tend to go out with my friends to sports bars and the like.) Today, my feast is salami and provolone on wheat bread, a nectarine and a few chocolate chip cookies. I make pb&J for my sons and try to keep both my anxiety level and lunch down.

12:38 p.m. Start getting myself situated in front of the TV, opening up various windows on my laptop—Twitter feed, Jetsblog feed, fantasy football scoring … football in the 21st century is a multitasking affair!

12:48 p.m. I finally look through some of the pregame shows. I see on NFL Network’s show, a monkey actually has picked the Jets to lose today. I guess that makes it unanimous. We. are. doomed.

12:59 p.m. I am so fired up I may throw up!!! Let’s get this started!

1:00 p.m. J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS!

1:17 p.m. Jets rookie quarterback Geno Smith completes his first NFL pass for 26 yards. I already like him better than Mark Sanchez!

1:26 p.m. First score of the season—a safety as the Buccaneers snap the ball out of the back of the endzone. NYJ 2 TB 0. Not exactly how they draw ’em up, but we’ll take it!

1:45 p.m. Touchdown!!! …. Bucaneers. Ooops. TB 7 NYJ 2. I curse loudly, which startles Kade, who is playing on his DS and half-watching the game with me. That’s good for moral support, though.

1:57 p.m. Jets answer with a field goal to make it TB 7 NYJ 5. Looks like a baseball score … but that’s okay, the Jets should have a couple more swings before this one is over. Most importantly, no butt fumbles!

2:11 p.m. Jets QB Smith fumbles on his own 5 yard line and Tampa scores a TD on their first play. TB 14 NYJ 5. Ugh. This Jets team is not built to come from behind, so this may be over already. Double ugh.

2:20 p.m. Another Jets turnover, via interception. Did I say ugh yet?

2:23 p.m. Wait, keep your hands inside the rollercoaster as the Jets defense gets an interception of their own! It’d be nice if they can convert some points before halftime.

2:33 p.m. And they do! Geno Smith to Kellen Winslow Jr. for a 7-yard TD pass, Smith’s first in the NFL. TB 14 NYJ 12. It’s a game, people! Kade and I do our “J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS! fist bump routine because that’s what guys do!

2:34 p.m. Halftime. I’m going to bust out a Coke because that sugar from the Pop Tart is loooooong gone and my nerves aren’t going to fray themselves, you know.

2:55 p.m. Second half under way. A few plays in and center Nick Mangold is down. I know most people don’t know much about offensive linemen, but this is a huge blow to the Jets if he’s out. He’s taken to the lockerroom—never good.

3:14 p.m. Nick Mangold (which would make a great gay porn name—not that there’s anything wrong with it) is back in the game. Every little bit helps with this team.

3:28 p.m. End of the 3rd quarter, the score is still TB 14, NYJ 12. Hope—always dangerous—remains.

3:54 p.m. After going back and forth in the middle of the field, the Jets finally get close enough to kick a field goal and go up 15-14 with 5:04 left. I see how it’s going to be this year and I’m not sure my heart is going to be able to take it!

4:07 p.m. Two-minute warning and the Bucs are moving down the field. Glad I cut those nails this morning because I’d be biting them off right now! I might have to start on Kade’s.

4:16 p.m. Tampa Bay kicks a field goal to go up 17-15 with 38 seconds left. Backbreaker! My heart sinks … but Kade is there to pick me up. “Come on, Dad! Have hope! There can be a miracle!” He’s right—although the Fat Lady is certainly warming up her pipes! Still the Jets will get the ball back for a last-ditch try.

4:21 p.m. Do you believe in miracles?! Somehow the Jets have moved it down to midfield. So close …

4:22 p.m. Penalty?! Against the Bucs!!! Putting the ball at the 31 yard line with only 7 seconds left! The Jets trot out the field goal unit for a 48-yard attempt, snap the ball and it’s …..

GOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD!!!!!

 JETS WIN! JETS WIN! J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS!

4:23 p.m. And there was much rejoicing.

4:35 p.m. I get on my running shoes and head out to the track for a victory lap (or 14) to celebrate—and bring my heart rate down. There will be time for watching highlights and basking in the glow of sweet, sweet victory later. What a great turn of events! Glad I started blogging it all this morning … I love a happy ending.

Hey, I don’t know what the rest of the season will bring, but today, it brought a big smile!

 

merry draftmas!

Apr 252013
 

So, like many NFL fans, I’m getting pretty psyched up for the NFL Draft that starts Thursday night.

Why? I’m glad you asked, because here are

The Top 10 Reasons I Love the NFL Draft

1. J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS! Fans!!!!!

This is a dirty secret of the NFL Draft: That the electricity and buzz that’s been created around the draft largely comes  courtesy of boisterous New York Jets fans who have been regularly packing Radio City Music Hall for years. Sure, fans from other teams are there, but none of them react with the enthusiasm—or derision—of Jets fans.

Although they will never admit it, half of the football fans who tune in do so just to see how Jets fans will react when the team makes its pick. Heck, there’s even an infamous—and admittedly, amusing—video out there (which I will NOT link to) that includes all the worst Jets’ picks and the fans dramatic overreactions, be it booing, crying or threatening to kill themselves.

This year, the Jets hold the #9 and #13 picks in the first round, and I can promise you that in the lead up to those, you won’t even have to be looking at ESPN or the NFL Network—you’ll hear the crowding frothing itself up into a frenzy with its distinctive J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS! cheer as soon as the team is on the clock.

And trust me, you will want to be looking at the TV because there’s no doubt that both networks are thrilled the Jets have two picks this year and will heavily feature Jets fans in all their green-and-white glory to give their broadcasts a little more juice. Which, I promise, they will.

2. Mel Kiper Jr.’s hair

It’s amazing and hasn’t moved since 1984, when the beloved draft guru covered his first NFL draft on ESPN.

3. The NFL Draft is the oasis of the off-season. Falling almost at the midpoint on the calendar between the final gun of the Super Bowl and the opening kickoff of NFL training camp, the draft is perfectly positioned to give fans a magical dose of NFL football that will hopefully carry them through the dark days of the off-season.

4. Everyone wins on draft day. Just like the “contests” of today’s youth, everyone is a winner on draft day, and everyone gets a trophy—actually, multiple trophies that hopefully will become NFL stars of the future.

Some draft “experts” will try and grade the draft in the days following the event, but this means nothing—back in 2008, the Kansas City Chiefs were heralded as “the biggest winners” by every pundit. That year on the field (you know, where the games are actually played) the team finished 2-14 and head coach Herm Edwards was fired. They went 4-12 the next season, too. Great googly moogly!

5. Unbridled optimism. Taking the positive vibe another step, the draft means that all the hardships of last season are over and shiny new pieces have been brought for a shiny new season. Every team in the NFL—even the Jets—is tied at 0-0!

Actually, it’s even better than that: If your team was bad last season, the draft is a redemption of sorts, an opportunity for those who were last to now be first …. to pick! (See, that butt-fumble wasn’t all for naught.)

6. Even the experts get it wrong. So if you’re any sort of football fan, for the past few weeks you’ve probably been looking at various “mock drafts,” worthless exercises that many sportswriters engage in to fill space while waiting for actual news. Every single one of them is based on nothing other than pure speculation, often resulting in less accuracy than even the worst weather forecasters.

In fact, last year only 1 “draft expert” got more than 10 players and teams correct, which is staggering considering there are 32 teams and 7 rounds. Doing the math: 32 x 7 = 224 possible correct guesses, and the best (not Mel Kiper Jr., who literally invented the vocation of “NFL draft expert”) only got 13, which is 5.8%.

Really, if you used a blindfold and a dartboard (or even 100 monkeys and some typewriters), you could probably hit on the same percentage. You’re just not getting paid to guess.

Oh, and within three years, better than half of the athletes who are picked in the next few days will be out of the NFL.

7. The great debate. For the past few weeks, all through the draft and over the next few weeks, there will be seemingly endless debate over who was projected to be picked, who was actually picked and who should’ve been picked. It will consume cable television channels, sports talk radio and the whole of the internet, and none of it will matter even one iota.

Seriously, not even one. It’s all talk that has zero effect on any games.

8. Into the great wide open. Right now, unless you’re the aforementioned Kansas City Chiefs who have the No. 1 pick this year, every NFL team—and all its fans—have absolutely no idea what players they may end up or what their teams will look like come Saturday night after “Mr. Irrelevant” (the last player picked of the draft) is selected.

The same goes for the hundreds of college players who hope to hear their names called in the next few days—their futures are about to be decided and they have almost no control over it. Scary and fun!

9. It’s over the top.

Two networks providing worldwide live coverage, a state-of-the-art staging in Radio City Music Hall, hundreds of live spectators and reporters, millions of TV viewers, a seeming infinite horde of internet acolytes, bloggers and self-proclaimed experts—all for what essentially is picking teams like you used to do in gym class.

Really, the crux of the draft is that when a team’s turn comes, a duly-appointed representative gets up and hands a card to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who reads whatever name is on the card—I’m not joking when I say that the entire thing could be done in an AOL chat room.

Still, the masses will gather and watch, and it will generate headlines across the country. Amazing.

10. It’s a guy day. With all due respect to the majority of the ladies out there, this seems to be a day primarily enjoyed by men, an opportunity for us to get together and celebrate the NFL with food, beer and a ridiculous amount of interest for such an over-hyped event. I will be at my pal Pisci’s house, a master chef who will be essentially putting together a top-notch tail-gate type extravaganza (I’m bringing brownies—it’s a tradition!) that we will devour, mostly with our hands while we grunt and nod at the TV.

MEN, baby!!!!

In addition to gratuitous amounts of belching and farting (although maybe not in that order), and inappropriate comments aplenty, there will be a healthy amount of male bonding, which I will thoroughly enjoy and hold in my heart …. until the actual games begin in September!

Merry Draftmas everyone!

 

the friday five: it ain’t easy being green

Nov 232012
 

This one doesn’t need a lot of explanation, really.

Five Things Overheard In My Living Room Last Night As the Jets Embarrassed Themselves on National TV

1. “Wow, just when I thought I had seen every way a quarterback could fumble a football, shame on me for not thinking of running head first into your 300-pound lineman’s ass to tackle yourself. Well played, Mark Sanchez. Well played.”

[click to play if it doesn’t work]

2. “I always thought that minute after I passed my kidney stone—and was literally doubled over on the bathroom floor and vomiting from the excruciating pain—was the longest 60 seconds of my life. Guess I was wrong.”

3. “Well, at least I won’t have to watch Fireman Ed do his attention-whore thing all night long. Although, I’m sure a true fan like him won’t abandon the team in its darkest hour.”

4. “So … I guess the Jets aren’t going to cover the spread tonight.”

5. “Please pass all of the 6 pounds of leftover turkey so I can eat myself into such a tryptophanic coma that I won’t wake up until next August, you know, in time for training camp so I can do this all over again next year.”