i know this much is true

Aug 082013
 

10 Annoying Immutable Laws of the Universe I Try To Make Mutable

1. Whatever line I’m in is the slow line. As someone who appreciates how truly brief life is, I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste my precious time waiting around, be it on the highway, at the grocery store or for admission to hell.

I have an E-Z Pass (still arguably the greatest invention in human kind), I always use the Deli Express at ShopRite (where you punch in your order and go shopping while the meat-slicing minions tend to your order) and I speak ill of the dead, not only in print but also when composing my annual Dead Pool team—this year I’m out in front of my league with the timely demises of Van Cliburn, Hugo Chavez, Bonnie Franklin, Roger Ebert and Annette Funiccello. I thought I was going to score the coup de grace when Randy Travis was recently in the hospital but he went and got better. Bastard.

2. The grass is always greener …. This is true for a good part of the year as my next-door neighbor Ed is a former landscaper and puts a lot of time, effort and fertilizer into his gorgeous lawn. His yard would be perfect except for a few dandelions he gets every spring on the areas of grass closest to our house, which I’m sure is a *complete* coincidence. I mean, it’s not like the dozens of dandelions and patches of crabgrass that grow unchecked in my yard could somehow just spread into his yard, right?

However, when it gets to the hottest and driest parts of summer—sort of like now—his carefully nurtured grass is mostly burned out while the weeds that I attempt to pass off as a lawn are still thriving and green. Oh sure, it’ll only last a few weeks, but for that small window of time … cliché busted!

3. You’ll hit the green lights when you’re not in a rush, and get all the reds when you’re in a hurry. I’m always in a hurry, especially when I drive—again, I’ll be damned if I waste any portion of whatever allotment of animation I get on this giant spinning rock—so the law of averages washes this one out.

If I do hit a string of green lights, it just gets me to my destination just all that much quicker. And if I hit red lights, it’s just speeding up that aneurysm that I’ll eventually have behind the steering wheel of my car. Winner all around!

4. A body at rest stays at rest. With the number of nightmares and twisted dreams that I have, as well as multiple trips to the bathroom (with my well-documented gastrointestinal issues, I drink *a lot* of water on any given day) it’s very rare that I get a full eight—or even seven or six—hours of straight sleep.

5. What goes up must come down. Since the moment I was conceived, all I have ever done is gain weight. Yes, it might waver from time to time, but overall, the line of that graph continues on an upward trajectory. If I didn’t run 3.5 miles every other day, there’s no doubt I’d already look like this …

… and be washing myself with a rag on a stick.

But let’s be honest: That is my eventual future.

6. Actions speak louder than words. My action track record is pretty lame—let’s say that in general I provide all the dynamic action of a poster print of Monet’s “Water Lillies.”

Ahhh, fine ar ......zzzzzzzzzz......

 

However, my words have actually carried me pretty far, including getting me a paying gig. I don’t think I would actually say my words have brought me “fame” or “fortune,” but hey, they help to pay the bills.

7. An idle mind is the devil’s playground. I know it sounds weird, but I can’t tell you how much I wish I could make my mind idle. I really do. It’s never, ever quiet in my skull, especially in the middle of the night when it’s supposed to be quiet. I think what disturbs me most is that people talk about “hearing voices” telling them to do things like commit suicide; in my head, whenever I’ve heard a voice making a suggestion like that, it’s always my own, loud and perfectly clear. That’s chilling.

Thus, I would say that my mind is pretty darn active, and it has *never* even remotely been mistaken for the lord’s sewing circle.

8. Can’t have your cake and eat it, too. I’m pretty sure that in all of the 170 years or so that I can recall, there has never been a piece a cake that’s been placed in front of me that I haven’t eaten … you know, with the possible exception of a slice of carrot cake that was once proffered at work party by a co-worker who was notorious for not washing her hands in the ladies’ room and had been eagerly licking crumbs off her own fingers in between cutting pieces.

9. A coward dies a thousand deaths. I think it’s safe to say that I am not anyone that you would ever confuse with any sort of hero, and I haven’t even died once yet—despite thinking about my eventual death pretty much every single day, as we all know I’m wont to do.

10. Can’t judge a book by its cover. I look in the mirror every day and I see a cranky old man looking back at me. Seems to pretty much dead on.

 

school daze

Nov 112012
 

[A quick programming note: In case you’re interested and missed it because of the storms—and we all pretty much did—here’s my appearance on Jaki’s Buzz with the totally awesome Grimm Generation, which you can listen to.]

As a few of you already know, my wife and I are in an unusual position when it comes to the education of our two sons in that they are currently in separate public school systems. One is enrolled in Shelton while the other goes to an arts magnet school in New Haven. And while both school districts are clearly—and rightly—focused on education first, the way they approach it is quite different.

[Disclaimer: To all my friends and family out there who work in education, please don’t take what you’re about to read personally. I’m just making some observations from what I’ve seen personally, so continue to be aggravated with me for other reasons, of which we all know there are plenty.]

Obviously, any big city school system is going to have some fundamental differences from a suburban one, especially in terms of logistics, resources and the caliber of students. It’s not fair, but that’s just the way it is currently. What I have been intrigued by is the attitude.

You may have heard about this already, but recently Connecticut sustained a bit of damage as a result of Hurricane Sandy, which for some reason is now “a SUPERSTORM”—I assume that’s derived from the insatiable media need to make whatever is happening NOW sound like IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN FOREVER TO HAPPEN!!!

[For the record, although this storm would turn out to be historically destructive, it was a bit oversold: Before Sandy hit, Gov. Malloy here in Connecticut dove headfirst deep into the hype and proclaimed: “Think of the worst occurrence you’ve ever seen in your area, and assume it’s going to be worse than that.” The hurricane that struck the state in 1938 packed winds in excess of 150 mph and killed more than 600 people! This one, unless it was going to have fire, brimstone and sharks with frickin’ lasers on their heads, was not going to be anything remotely reaching that. Please, we get that it will be bad, but try to keep the historically excessive descriptions under control. You’re supposed to be calm and in control in a situation like this, not inciting panic.]

Anyway, many towns and cities lost power, which not only affected individual homes but public buildings such as schools.

In Shelton, the board of education kept all the students in the city home the entire week of the storm, partially because of the damage to the town, but mainly because one of its schools did not have power.

In New Haven, schools re-opened Thursday and stayed open Friday, even though my son’s school didn’t have power either day. What they did have, however, was a plan—when the kids arrived, they were bussed to different schools around the city for the day, then brought back at the end of the day for dismissal. Yes, it was chaotic, but it was organized chaos. When I arrived to pick my son up, the school principal was calmly directing (with a bullhorn and walkie talkies to his assistant principals) the numerous buses dropping off and picking up kids, and marshaling his students to where they needed to be.

I find it especially interesting because you can’t tell me that the city schools have more resources available to them than the suburban schools. They just have a better attitude, as far as I’m concerned.

Another example:

Last year, I went to “Back to School” nights for both schools. In Shelton, I sat there quietly with all the other mute parents and listened to the principal read her Powerpoint presentation to us from the big screen in front of us, neatly outlining all her and the school district’s goals for the upcoming year.

In New Haven, the principal stood up at the lectern, and proceeded to passionately tell the parents exactly what he expected from the students in terms of dress and behavior. He left no question to how serious he was about sending children home who were not attired properly and ready to learn. The parents, for their part, were enthusiastic—in fact, it reminded me a bit of a revival, with parents around me muttering, “That’s right!” and “Absolutely.” I almost expected him to end the presentation with, “Can I get an amen?!”

I’m an atheist, but even I would’ve stood up and cried, “Amen!”

And one more another example:

This past week was the big “Nor’easter” that surprised much of the area with an accumulation of snow. Although the forecast was wrong for Wednesday, much warmer temperatures were forecast for Thursday and Friday.

Shelton cancelled school on Thursday; New Haven had a two-hour delay. As most of you who live here know, the forecast was right and the roads everywhere were clear by 10 am, at the latest.

Now I’m sure there are argument that will be made for Shelton about having hills, and that making for potentially treacherous driving, but I can personally attest that the majority of roads in New Haven weren’t even plowed, hills or not. So sorry, that’s a wash.

So why the difference?

I know it’s only anecdotal evidence, but I’m an ignorant blogger and I’ll dare to say it: The city teachers, administrations and students are tougher than the precious snowflakes that populate the school boards and classrooms of the suburbs.

Now, I’m not talking about quality of or commitment to education here—I think it’s been historically proven that the suburbs can dedicate more and better resources to education, and usually end up with higher test scores as a result. I’m just saying that I appreciate the mental fortitude of the New Haven Public School system. Maybe it’s a result of necessity, as I’m sure the teachers in the inner city have had to deal with things teachers in the more peaceful and less turbulent suburbs have never had to contend with. Or maybe it’s just part of the natural toughness that comes with scraping by in a city as opposed to living peacefully out in the country.

Part of me also wonders if the parents are responsible—I’ve been witness to plenty of suburban parents overreacting to the slightest change in school policy. Heck, I saw the locals here in Shelton get bent out of shape over the possibility of adding a community garden (you know, because nothing spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e like dirt-lovin’ gardeners), so I can only imagine the challenges from parents that local educators face on any given day.

Ultimately, it’d be great if we could meld the two mindsets together, taking that discipline and toughness and support it with the financial resources. Then again, I might have a better chance of getting into clown college than having various school districts—and the parents involved—agree about anything.

 

back to school

Sep 032012
 

So as another summer fades into the golden glow of my memories, it’s back-to-school time, which (on some level) means a renewed call for learnin’ stuff.

Now, unlike my 13-year-old son, I don’t profess to know everything. As best as I can tell, the universe appears to be an infinite place, and as such, comes limitless opportunities for gaining knowledge. Therefore, it only stands to reason that in the next few months, I should learn lots of new things.

Between now and the end of 2012 (or the end of the world, slated for December 21st), I hope to learn:

• the joys of physical education that allows my favorite NFL team to go undefeated.

• enough Korean to understand this song since I will not be getting it out of my head any time soon—

—or at least enough dance theory to get down all moves for it.

• the true meaning of “criminal justice” when a convicted pedophile is raped to death in prison.

• the language arts required to distinguish between the terms “legitimate” and “illegitimate” rape, and why anyone in their right mind would even think there could be a difference.

• the political science that will guide the American electorate to not be distracted by inane comments and instead demand that candidates run mud-free campaigns where they actually tell us their specific, detailed plans for our future.

• what would happen in a renewed national driver’s re-education where everyone suddenly put down their phones and obeyed the rules of the road.

• that through social studies the theory that reality is broken and that my kids’ video game skills will really somehow evolve into marketable problem-solving skills before they graduate college.

• that “The Jersey Shore” has been an dramatic experiment for years, that Snooki is this generation’s Meryl Streep, and that she didn’t really reproduce.

• that biological evolution prevails and that there really are people out there who care about children, and will step in so that we’ll never, ever, EVER again hear the name Honey Boo Boo.

• the economics that drive up the price of gasoline literally overnight on nothing but pure speculation, yet allow it to take weeks to drop down despite actual lower demand and an overabundance of supply.

• the science behind continued climate change that will make for another winter where I only have to break out my snow shovel twice.

• more Spanish, so I can communicate with my wife’s family beyond asking them directions to the library.

• the arithmetic necessary to be able to pay off my new car, save for college and retirement and yet find a way to install central air conditioning.

• the biology and physics involved with losing 15 pounds without having to run 10 miles a day.

• how to write an entertaining presentation before a book signing—actually, the deadline for this one is even sooner: I have to learn this before Sept. 30 at 2 p.m. when I’ll be at Written Words in Shelton. (Please come down!)

• the economic impact of becoming a writer who sells a bajillion books.

• the home economics of still being able to feed my family after not actually selling a bajillion books.