So I was thinking about how many songs there are out there, and how many of them are unresolved in terms of the story. Very few are like KISS’s “Detroit, Rock City,” which ends when the narrator of the song is killed in a head-on car crash. (What, you never listened to the lyrics? The song is based on the true story of a KISS fan who died on the way to a concert.)

Anyway, very few songs have clean (so to speak) endings like that. Most are open-ended narratives, leaving me to wonder what happens next. I especially find it disconcerting in songs about specific girls—almost all of them are fantasies revolving around how the narrator dreams he can change the life of his intended … with his love. You know, because that always works.

Well, being there for you all, I thought I would add some detail and closure to classic “girl” songs, like a modern-day Paul Harvey. (Look it up, kids.)

So here’s how the narratives (if not the songs themselves) would go beyond the last chorus.

“Mandy” (by Barry Manilow)
How it ends: Mandy came and she gave without taking, but the narrator sends her away. Oh Mandy!
My ending: The narrator moves to New York in hopes of making it on Broadway. Despite great success, he struggles with finding true happiness until one day, he runs into Mandy (now a freelance journalist) in Grand Central Station. After a whirlwind few days around the city—including what should be a romantic carriage ride through Central Park—the narrator finally realizes that he’s not in love with Mandy … or any woman! He comes out to her, and then realizes that he has always loved Mandy for her selfless platonic friendship. He eventually hooks up with her brother, Randy.

“Ana Ng” (by They Might Be Giants)
How it ends: The narrator doesn’t get “to walk in her majestic presence.”
My ending: The two go their own ways, only to meet up decades later in a decrepit nursing home where they finally consummate their relationship. However, the intimate physicality of their passion kills them both instantaneously, sending them into that final golden light, hand in hand.

“Jenny (867-5309)” (by Tommy Tutone)
How it ends: The narrator asks Jenny not to change her number in the hopes that he can summon up his nerve to call her and “make you mine.”
My ending: Driven nearly mad by all the losers calling her, Jenny changes her number and then, deciding to empower herself against all those creepers, goes on to law school. She graduates at the top of her class and becomes a crusading attorney, and then unleashes years of pent-up rage by helping abused women (the number is in her ads on the sides of buses and on cable TV). Her efforts result in hundreds of dirtbags, rapists and spousal abusers ending up in prison, where they can no longer call up random strange women and harass them.

“Christine Sixteen” (by KISS)
How it ends: Older man fantasizes about much younger girl.
My ending: Christine notices the elderly creeper in the rape van parked across the street from the high school and immediately calls the police on her cell. They arrive to catch the narrator in the act of pleasuring himself and immediately arrest him. He serves a few months in prison for various misdemeanors (where he endures “rather unpleasant carnal” experiences) and after release, has to register as a sex offender, which sends him on a downward spiral that finally sees him flee the country. He is eventually found dead in a Tijuana back alley after a misunderstanding during a donkey show.

“Alison” (by Elvis Costello)
How it ends: The narrator *knows* that Alison is unhappy in her marriage and that “this world is killing you.”
My ending: After being encouraged by the narrator, Alison comes to her senses, ends her loveless marriage and divorces her husband. Since narrator the narrator’s “aim is true,” he tries to be a supportive as she puts her life back together, hoping that she’ll eventually realize that he’s the true man for her. Unfortunately, now that he’s her bestie, she overlooks him and falls in love with the hunky volunteer fireman from across the street. Realizing that he blew it, the narrator eventually drinks himself into a coma.

“Rosanna” (by Toto)
How it ends: It’s been not quite a year since Rosanna went away, and the narrator doesn’t have much to say.
My ending: Rosanna stays away, choosing Hollywood and finding respectable success as an actress. The narrator stays with his band and trying to woo her back, tries writing new songs that captures the magic of the first hit. Unfortunately such tunes as “Rosanna Come Love My Banana,” “Rosanne Rosanna Dancer” and “You’re The 2nd Best Actress in Your Family But the 1st Best in My Heart” don’t catch the fancy of the fickle music-buying public, and the narrator dies in a tragic trash can fire.

“My Sharona” (by The Knack)
How it ends: The narrator craves underage flesh, and he’s never gonna stop, give it up!
My ending: See what happens to the letch in “Christine Sixteen” above.

“Maggie May” (by Rod Stewart)
How it ends: The narrator is bewitched by the older woman that is Maggie May and can’t escape her spell.
My ending: Although he enjoys it at first, much like the movie Misery, the narrator soon realizes that he’s literally a prisoner of a love-crazed cougar. He repeatedly tries to escape but eventually accepts that a life as Maggie’s love slave is not such a bad deal—she feeds him well and tends to his every need. Unfortunately, this leads to a relationship that’s more motherly than romantic, causing the narrator’s physical attraction to Maggie to go limp. In the end, the need for medication-aided love and multiple diaper changes dooms the relationship to an end that no one—including Senior Smoke—wants to picture.

“Roxanne” (by The Police)
How it ends: The narrator asks Roxanne, a prostitute, to not “put on the red light;” instead, he will make her an honest woman.
My ending: Roxanne puts on the red light and continues to sell herself to the night. The narrator, ever desperate, continues patronizing Roxanne, and after contracting various STDs, including hepatitis, syphilis and finally AIDs, eventually dies all alone in an alley. Roxanne goes on to marry the owner of the New England Patriots, who soon also dies under mysterious circumstances in a hot tub “accident.” She takes control of the team, and then trades Tom Brady and fires Bill Belichick before allowing it languish at the bottom of the league for the next several decades, sapping all of its resources to fund her reality TV show career. After bankrupting the franchise, she then marries Chumley from “Pawn Stars.”

Finally, a happy ending for all!