the friday five: good bad guys

Jan 182013
 

This post is a request from my son, who simply said to me: “Hey Dad, you know what would be good? If you did a list of your favorite bad guys.”

Done! You know, because I’m a good dad like that …

It also helps that I really didn’t have anything else particular in mind for this week.

And before I start, I should say that before the ill-fated prequels, Darth Vader would’ve been on this list without question. But after telling the improbable and inane back story of the whiny, petty and childish Jedi wannabe Anakin Skywalker, it completely ruined the character in every way, shape and form. Hard to think Vader is all-powerful and evil when he built C-3PO (and somehow forgot about it) and was best buds with Jar Jar Binks.

To paraphrase: “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

Anyway, here are

Five of my Favorite Fictional Villains

1. C. Montgomery Burns, “The Simpsons” – I could talk all day about all the unconscionable qualities and nefarious schemes that makes Springfield’s resident billionaire industrialist a wickedly delightful character, but I think a single word (and the way he says it, while twittering his fingers) sums up his malevolence best: “Exxxcellent …”

Now release the hounds!

2. Dr. Evil, “Austin Powers” movies – I’d argue that Dr. Evil is by far the best part of the entire Austin Powers franchise. He has the best lines, worst puns and is by far the most amusing character—I find myself bored when he’s not on screen.

I also can’t help myself from falling into his voice whenever I mention … one … milllllllion … dollars.

Besides, without Dr. Evil, I wouldn’t know that if I ever built an evil lair, it would need to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads.

3. Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, “Phineas & Ferb” – If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that I’m a big fan of the perpetually helpless Dr. Doof, who in every episode tries to take over the entire Tri-State Area—often with the help of one of his infamous (and often flawed) -inators—only to be foiled by Agent P.

I also love that on the show, every time they mention “the evil Dr. Doofenshmirtz,” they always run a perfectly evil photo like this—

Curse you Perry the Platypus!!!

4. Dr. Doom, Marvel Comics – I’m seeing a them within a theme here!

Of all the fictional evil doctors, it’s hard to argue that the nemesis of the Fantastic Four has the best name and the best outfit.

Doctor Victor von Doom, at your service (not really)

I don’t even care he seems to have a lame back story and really isn’t amusing or entertaining in any particular way. The Lord of Latveria just looks like a badass! Although, with those metal gauntlets, I’m glad he’s not my gastroenterologist.

5. Silas Barnaby, March of the Wooden Soldiers – Every Thanksgiving, we watch this movie, and every Thanksgiving, I am greatly entertained by Laurel and Hardy as well as the wretched, pig-napping, bogeyman-loving villain in the movie, Silas Barnaby.

Fun bad guy fact: When actor Henry Brandon played Barnaby in 1934, he was only 22 years old! (Great makeup, right?) He was also 6 foot, 5 inches tall, so if you watch the film, you notice he’s bent over in almost every scene so he wouldn’t tower over the other actors.

To this day, in the scene in Bogeyland when he’s summoning up his evil minions, I’m still haunted by the odd bonging/thumping noise his club made when he bangs it on the stalagmites. *chills*

Considering his outfit, I’ve always assumed he was some sort of dandy Amish pilgrim, but then again, it may have been this identity crisis that put him in such a constant foul mood. Whatever his motivation, he does a good job of being bad!

 

i know i’m old, but just in case i wasn’t sure

Jan 152013
 


Conversation I Just Overheard Between My 13-year-old Son and His Buddy

(And because it was via Skype on his computer and he was wearing earbuds, I really only heard one side. Oh, and I had to ask him afterward to help me transcribe this so I could get the technical jargon right.)

My Son: Okay, okay. Open up that window so I can see your screen. Make it bigger. Okay. Hmm … Hang on as I look it up on the Minecraft server.

My Son: All right … let me see. You might have a problem with the game program. You’ll have to close it and then re-open it.

My Son: Okay—is your computer 32-bit or 64-bit? Yeah, that’s right. Then you need to get the newest version of Java so it’s more compatible with your video card. Just Google it. Not that one, not that one—click on the one at the bottom of the screen. That’s it. You have to make sure it’s an .exe file.

My Son: That loaded pretty quickly. Good. But … no, wait! I didn’t say to click on it yet! Why did you … what? My computer is lagging a little. Sorry. That’s okay, we can re-install it.

My Son: You’ll probably have to go into the editor and adjust the settings. Hey, I’ve got to. Dinner time. I’ll call you back later and we can finish fixing this.

Technical Conversation Between My 13-year-old Self and My Buddy Milo

Me: Hey, my bike has a flat tire.

Milo: Guess you’ll have to ride your skateboard until you fix it.

Me: Yeah. Dang.

 

and the ray goes to …

Jan 132013
 

Okay, I thought it might be fun to do an Oscars-type competition among the movies that I’ve seen this year in the theater. So I went through the list of 2012 theatrical releases and …

Well, here are the films I saw in the theater in 2012:

  • The Three Stooges
  • Brave
  • The Avengers
  • The Dark Knight Rises
  • ParaNorman
  • Frankenweenie
  • Wreck-It Ralph
  • Lincoln

(One of these is not like the others …)

Holy guacamole, what in the name of Ed Wood has happened to me?!

I mean, I absolutely *LOVE* going to the movies, and this is all I saw this year? I used to see this many films in a month, let alone an entire twelve months. Yes, my life has been very busy this year—ditto my wife’s and kids’—but this is just sad. Wow, I need to get out more.

Oh, and the depth and breadth of these films … well, it’s obvious that outside of Lincoln, I didn’t get to the cinema without my kids in tow. Even then …

Ugh.

But hey, why should a little thing like my glaring lack of theatrical visits in the past year stop me from my original idea of doing some movie awards? Go put on your shiny dress and grab your popcorn while I roll out the red carpet for

The 2012 Rayality Movie Awards

Best Picture – Unlike all those other awards show, I’ll give you my winner in the big category right up front, and this year it goes to: The Avengers.

Sure, Lincoln was great, but for reasons (to be discussed below), I felt that it wasn’t the best film I saw this year. We had very high expectations for The Avengers—as did half of the world—and it absolutely delivered. It was fun, full of action and had a few absolutely awesome moments. We all walked out of the theater buzzing and with big smiles on our faces, which is how you should really exit any theater.

Sure, it may not be considered artistic fare, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t great.

Best Actor – Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln. Words cannot express how terrific DDL was portraying the 16th president; he perfectly captured the Abraham Lincoln that history (not cinema) describes—wise, funny, thoughtful, affable, open-minded, shrewd politician, a teller of funny and coarse stories, high-pitched voice with a hillbilly-like twang, and most importantly, incredibly charismatic. Consequently, he’ll probably take home more than a few of those overrated “real” awards, and I think that’s a big reason why I didn’t enjoy Lincoln as much as I wanted to.

My biggest issue is that I wanted more Lincoln in a movie named Lincoln. Rather than a biography featuring the brilliant political career and remarkable life of Abraham Lincoln—who was born dirt poor in a log cabin in Kentucky, came out of nowhere to engineer the presidential nomination in 1860 and then brilliantly used his political rivals to form his cabinet—Lincoln really was a movie about the passage of the 13th amendment. As a movie about that, it was truly terrific. As a story about Lincoln (you know, as what a movie entitled Lincoln and based on Team of Rivals might suggest), it was woefully inadequate, especially when you have one of the best actors in the world giving one of his greatest performances. I wanted so much more.

To be fair, if you wanted to properly tell Lincoln’s story, a TV mini series like “John Adams” probably would be the best way to go. Maybe next time.

Best Actress – Larry David, The Three Stooges. David’s portrayal of Sister Mary-Mengele was a transforming performance that has re-invented the character of the “bad nun played by man” for all time to come …

Or, none of the other actresses in the films that I saw were all that terrific. I love both Anne Hathaway and Scarlett Johansson, but neither brought anything all that special or substantial to their portrayals of super hero chicks other than look *real good* in tight outfits.

And as Mary Todd Lincoln, for me, Sally Field played Sally Field as Mary Todd Lincoln. Meh.

Most Overrated Film – The Dark Knight Rises. Without giving away too many spoilers, let’s just say it was not nearly as good as The Dark Knight. I had some major issues, especially since it looks as though Christopher Nolan had an idea of how he wanted the trilogy to permanently (and heroically) end for a certain character, but it appears that the studio bosses came in and said, “You can’t do that!” and forced a convoluted, impractical and stupid end on the film.

I also had a problem with the main bad guy Bane—I couldn’t understand half three quarters anything he said. Look, I know trying to top Heath Ledger’s Joker is near impossible, but poor Tom Hardy was acting with one hand tied behind his back with his face completely obscured by that silly mask. I get that the comic-book character has the mask, but maybe they should’ve gone with a different villain. Preferably one that had some personality or understandable motivation for his crimes.

Also, there were plot holes big enough to drive the Batmobile through. I send you to this site [WARNING: LOTS OF SPOILERS!], where someone who has less of a life than me lists them by size.

Oh, and there’s the whole Batman-Catwoman thing. Speaking of …

Worst On-Screen Chemistry – Christian Bale and Anne Hathaway, The Dark Knight Rises. Not only did the whole Catwoman-Batman “romance” feel like a studio-demanded forced add on, but Bale and Hathaway had the chemistry of a log and another log. No sparks, no heat, no passion, no witty repartee, not even so much as a glimmer of mutual interest. I’ve had colonoscopies that were more alluring than these two together.

Best On-Screen Chemistry – John C. Reilly and Sarah Silverman, Wreck-It Ralph. I’m not a voice actor, but since the majority of them work alone in a recording booth, it must be challenging to do your lines and interact with other actors who aren’t there.

I read that Reilly only took the project because they told him that he would be able to work directly with the other actors in the recording studio, and it shows—he (as Ralph) and Silverman (as Vanellope) have a genuine camaraderie that helps sell the entire story.

Better Than I Dared to Hope – The Three Stooges. Like many of you, when I heard that the Farrelly Brothers were going to make a Three Stooges film, I was like, “Uh, really. That’s doesn’t seem like a good idea.” But my sons were interested, and when I saw how dead-on the actors got the original Stooges and their mannerisms, I was okay with seeing it.

Again, not art by any means, but certainly a bunch of cheap laughs to be had and much better than I expected. That being said …

Best Use of Snooki – The Three Stooges. And by “best use,” I mean by getting a few laughs out of her, that’s probably more than society could ever hope to get out of her.

Best Homage to Classic Cinema – Frankenweenie. I had to explain to my kids why I was laughing at the main character’s friends, who were inspired by Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff and Peter Lorre, none of whom they had ever heard of. Obviously, I need to have them start watching the old horror originals like Dracula, Frankenstein and The Mummy.

Biggest Surprise (And Best Animated Feature) – ParaNorman. Okay, in all seriousness, this was almost my best film of the year. Brave was beautiful and wonderful as any Pixar film, and Frankenweenie was Tim Burton-inspired fun, and even Wreck-It Ralph was decent, but this animated feature that almost no one saw was TERRIFIC.

ParaNorman didn’t use a bunch of celebrity voices to sell a movie that no one had heard of. It was original, the story had a lot of depth, some adult-like themes and wasn’t at all predictable, and the animation was awesome—the final confrontation between Norman and the “witch,” was nothing short of visually amazing (and touching and even a little scary). Just a great, great film.

I hope some day it gets discovered and becomes a Halloween classic like It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Story has become for the other holidays.

the friday five: out of this world

Jan 112013
 

So I saw this story the other day about the Netherlands-based Mars One project is looking for non-astronaut volunteers to help start a colony on Mars. In other words, they want a bunch of regular Joes to shoot into space ….

From the link above:

Mars One isn’t zeroing in on scientists or former fighter pilots; anyone who is at least 18 years old can apply to become a Mars colony pioneer. The most important criteria, officials say, are intelligence, good mental and physical health and dedication to the project, as astronauts will undergo eight years of training before launch.

Now I definitely fit most of the criteria—arguably “normal,” over 18, decent health, some intelligence—although I do not have eight years of training to dedicate to the training program. I am also not crazy about another cost-savings facet of the mission not mentioned in that story: that’s it’s a one-way trip.

That’s right—sign up and you are agreeing to leave Earth … FOREVER.

I would love to explore space, but I’d prefer to do so with the caveat of coming back to my beloved planet of origin (or what I think is my planet of origin—although if it turns out it wasn’t, it might explain *A LOT*). Apparently, not everyone feels the same way about a space trip not returning to Earth, as the program has already gotten over 1,000 applications in only a few days. As the Dutch say: “Say la vie….”

Well, since I can’t go, I thought about who I would want to volunteer for a one-way trip to Mars. As you might expect, the list was surprisingly long.

Rather than reach for the low-hanging fruit, such as the cast of “Jersey Shore” or that coven of no-talent attention whores that everyone tries to keep up with for some reason or the entire congregation of the Westboro Baptist Church—all those should be on the first one-way mission directly into *the Sun*—I have attempted to come up with

Five Non-Astronauts Who Should Be on A Trip to Colonize Mars

1. Mike Rowe – As the host of “Dirty Jobs,” Rowe is useful because he could do pretty much any task you need in setting up a colony, from farming mushroom and making cheese to mining coal and birthing cattle to cleaning poop and castrating sheep with his teeth. Tell me any of that wouldn’t be important on the Red Planet.

2. Mary Roach – As the author of Packing for Mars and a terrific science writer, Roach understands the logistics behind the mission and what’s actually involved with preparing for the journey, and will undoubtedly provide an entertaining chronicle of the adventure. I mean, if she’s willing to ride on the Vomit Comet and drink her own urine, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing she won’t do.

3. James Franco – Because there’s nothing he can’t do, right? Seriously, the guy can write, teach, dance, act, direct, paint, play sports, perform magic, has about a bajillion interests … I’m thinking “fly a space ship” and “father a new race on another planet” is probably already on his To Do list anyway.

4. Lance Armstrong – He’s athletic, is used to endurance-type endeavors (even without the PEDs) and really isn’t up to all that much these days since the lifetime ban came down. This would also be a prime opportunity for him to rehabilitate his image. The only caveat is that he’d have to wear the red shirt.

5. Courtney Love – Obviously, every team needs a wild card, and clearly Ms. Love would fit that role. Also, pretty sure that like cockroaches and tardigrades, she is essentially indestructible and could withstand anything the cosmos might hurl at her, from high doses of radiation to space herpes. And with her on board, there absolutely would never be a dull moment!

 

key to the universe?

Jan 092013
 

“All I want is a freakin’ key!” I say/whine for what only feels like the hundredth time at the second dealership ….

When I got my beloved Mazda 6 back in August, one of the things that came up was that there was only one key with the vehicle. “No big deal,” said Mike, the guy who had gone to the auto auction and got the car for me. “You can have another made pretty easily.”

Of course, I thought. No big whoop—I can go anywhere and get an extra key made ….

Now i’m sure there are a few of you out there already chuckling to yourself—rather than bore you with all the details, I’ll just say that my car requires a special computerized key that can NOT be gotten from just anywhere. You have to go to a …. dealership.

If there truly are circles of hell as Dante suggests, one of them is assuredly the waiting room of an automobile dealership.

I am very fortunate that I have an excellent, honest mechanic whom I trust: Todd Anderson, the owner of an independent garage who knows me, my wife and our vehicles, and only does the work our cars need. He’s friendly, he’s honest and makes suggestions for work that can be done but never ever forces it on us.

When I was debating about having extensive work done on my old car, I asked Todd if he would do it—with both of us knowing that he’d be the guy who would do the work. He told me not to do it and that it wasn’t worth it for me, which cost him a few thousand dollars at that moment but has guaranteed a lifetime customer. Good luck getting that recommendation from a dealership, unless it’s followed by, “But you can buy an expensive, overpriced, brand-new car right off our lot here!”

No thanks!

Unfortunately, as Todd confirms, I have to find a Mazda dealership to have an extra key made. On a Saturday, I go to a Mazda dealership in Hamden—I’d link to them but as it turns out, they’re a bunch of douchebags.

Yes, bags filled with douche.

I go to the service department and they tell me that if I want a new key, I have to go all the way around the facility—a distance far enough that they tell me to drive—to the parts department to have it done.

I get back in my car, drive all the way around the buildings and eventually find the parts department. I go in and ask about having a key made. In short, the two gents exiled there tell me they can do it, but it’s going to take an hour because they have to program the computer chip in it.

Annoying, but I understand. They then start asking me about what kind of key I want. “I want one to drive the car,” I say, slightly exasperated. “What other kind is there?”

The two “Buckwild” rejects tell me that there’s a key like I have—

—with all the electronic bells and whistles, which I hate (too bulky). Programmed, it costs well over $300.

“Are there other options?” I ask. “All I want is an extra key.”

They tell me there’s a more simple key that only costs about $150, but—and I quote—”You won’t be able to start the engine with it.”

“What the hell good is that?” I ask. “Why would anyone want that?”

Tweedle D-Bag and Tweedle D-Baggier just shrug.

“Okay, whatever,” I say. “All I want is a freakin’ key. Let’s do it.”

They both look at each other. “Well,” one says, “You have to go back over there to the service department to see if it’s available or have them order it, and then set up the appointment.”

“WAIT!” I try not to shout. “THEY sent me over HERE for that. Don’t you guys do that over here? Why would they send me all the way over here otherwise?”

The idiot brothers just shrug.

Almost biting down on my tongue hard enough to snap it off, I nod, go back to me car and drive out of there. NEVER TO RETURN as it turns out, because that cheaper $125 key (not $150!) they talked about actually *WILL* start the engine. I find this out at a different Mazda dealership in another town.

“Okay, let’s make an appointment,” I tell the guy behind the counter, still not crazy about having to come back—all I want is a freakin’ key!—but slightly happier that I’m dealing with a slightly more honest and cheaper dealership.

I come back at the appointed time, but when I come through the door, the first thing the guy tells me is that he needs my registration and odometer reading.

“All I want is a key,” I grouse at him, but I go back out to the car and retrieve the information. I give him the stuff, and then he starts asking way more personal information than should be involved with making an extra key for my car.

He finally asks me for my cell phone number and that’s my breaking point. “Sorry but you don’t need that to make a freakin’ key!” I exclaim. “COME ON! All I want is a FREAKING KEY!” (You know, just like at the start of this post—see how I did that?)

He counters that he needs my info to put my car “In the system,” but I know that really means: “We need your info so we can repeatedly call and email you in the hopes of getting you to buy another car, or better yet, track your mileage so that we can harass you into having expensive and quite often unnecessary service work at intermittent periods.”

Again, I say, “No.”

Surprisingly, he finds they can make the key without my cell phone number. Go figure!

I go to the waiting where there’s a young woman in the waiting room. As I sit down, they come out to tell her that her car “only needs a few more little things” that they should do “while it’s here.”

Clearly not knowing any better, she agrees. I’m still there when she goes to pay—and even though it’s “a good dealership,” it turns out what sounds like was supposed to be a simple oil change winds up costing her $269.

I almost throw up for her.

At least she didn’t need a key!

 

words of the future

Jan 072013
 

So I saw that the other day, The American Dialect Society announced that its 2012 Word of the Year is #hashtag.

I guess that’s okay, even if it’s about a year too late—if you were going to go for a Twitter term, I certainly heard “trending” bandied about more in the past twelve months than hashtag, especially around the election. You know, as in “The election night video of Karl Rove melting down on FOX like the Duke brothers at the end of ‘Trading Places’ is trending.” When I hear hashtag, the whole Charlie Sheen meltdown tour thing comes to mind—”hashtag winning,” “hashtag warlock,” “hashtag tiger blood”—which was decidedly a 2011 phenomena.

#whatev.

Rather than sit here and ruminate on what words best summed up 2012, I’m going to do what I do best, which is use my vast intellect to help all you to prepare for the terms that 2013 will be trying to burn into the cultural landscape. (Because I’m a giver, garsh darnit!)

So over the next 12 months be on the lookout for:

buckwild – You may have already seen MTV’s next generation of Jersey Shore—”Buckwild,” featuring a bunch of drunken idiots from West Virginia, but if you haven’t already, it’s only a matter of time before you’re substituting names like Shain and Shae for Snooki and The Situation in your jokes about idiocy and the downfall of American society.

I mean, look at them …

A complete tractor wreck.

royal baby – As the due date for Prince William and Kate Middleton’s first child draws closer—right now, predicted to be in June or July—no doubt you will not be able to turn on a TV or visit a website without some mention of “the royal baby.” Once the child is born, then expect to be bombarded with headlines and links with the child’s name sharing critical news such “Princess Picadilly Pea Pippa Soils First Diaper” or “Prince Eustice Graham Rocketcar Is Circumcised by Bishop of Canterbury.”

cliff deals – Yes, I know we “averted” the fantastically hyped fiscal cliff, but I don’t think the term is going away so easily, especially given that the idiots in Washington didn’t resolve much with the last-minute deal, choosing instead to “kick the can down the road” (a contender for 2012 term of the year, by the way). In the upcoming year, there will be political showdowns aplenty, including on the debt ceiling and budget cuts, so I expect there will be hard-fought, highly debated “cliff deals” to “resolve” these issues as well, i.e., “do more nothing.”

currency war – I heard a bit about this in the news at the end of the year, and it’s just scary and catchy enough that it could become the successor to “fiscal cliff” as something that instantaneously gives newscasters boners. It’s got all the brutal denotations of combat and carnage that might attract viewers’ attention … but with *money*, so it sounds like no one gets hurt, you know, aside from everyone who depends on low gasoline and grocery prices in order to get by day to day.

the drone wars – As the U.S. ratchets up its use of drone aircraft to carry out attacks—because it’s smarter and safer (well, for U.S. soldiers, anyway)—you’ll hear this term more and more often. In fact, it’s already starting to catch on.

tatthletes – Okay, this is a word I’ve made up (as best as I can tell—no hits on Google), so you’re reading it here first! If you watch any sports at all, you know that heavily tattooed athletes—and there are lots of them—seem to be the wave of future, so it’s only a matter of time before someone else puts together “tattoo” and “athlete” and it ends up in the vernacular. I’m betting it’s 2013. You’re welcome!

$ellebrity – The name of a documentary that’s due to come out this Friday, Jan. 11, $ellebirty is the story of how paparazzi will do anything to get the big money celebrity picture that they can sell to tabloids. I expect the term will catch on to define talentless reality-type $ellebrities who will do *anything* to keep their brand in the public consciousness—you know, like engineer a fake marriage or conceive a baby with a has-been entertainer—to keep the $$$ coming in.

tablet – Just how we’ve been inundated the past few years with “smart phones,” I expect that 2013 will mark the beginning of the true Era of The Tablet, which of course, will be replaced by the next hip technology just after I buy one and in time for next year’s holiday shopping season.

genetically modified food – As companies continue to genetically modify food unabated, we’re going to start hearing more critics question the safety and wisdom of the practice. As we’re a nation obsessed with stuffing our maws at any given moment, it might matter to some of those who actually care about what goes into our bodies, a.k.a. about 2% of the U.S. population. Still, the term is just “scary” enough to make headlines, and once the media finds something like that, count on them to hammer away with it. Speaking of …

media jackals – This is what I’m going to start to call unconscionable news outlets who insist on continuing on-site coverage of tragedies long after the actual event is over, sucking the marrow out of every story and every angle despite how detrimental it may be for the long-term recovery of the victims and how it may only incite another situation, all in the name of their own greed, TV ratings and web-traffic benefit. For example, I’m sure you can probably think of a particularly horrific recent event here in Connecticut that media jackals continue to feed on with gleeful zest, even though the town and the families of the victims have repeatedly asked to be left alone now.

It sickens me to the point that my hands are trembling while I type this, but yet I know tomorrow when I check the headlines, there’ll be more stories, invented or otherwise—unless of course, something even more horrible happens. Then the pack will move on to feed off that  …

 

 

 

the friday five: somewhat useless

Jan 042013
 

So like many of you, I spend way too much of my precious life clicking on random links across the intrawebz, which has led me to more than a few … interesting discoveries (which I won’t share here), as well as things I wish I could unsee.

As such, I came across this yesterday …

And yeah, even though it’s kind of cool that the kid can do that, I’ve always wondered about the practicality of devoting so much of one’s life to learning a skill—like beatboxing—that doesn’t appear to have all that many practical applications. I mean, yes, it’s entertaining, and possibly someone may pay you from time to time, but you can’t actually make a career out of it, right? Can you? I mean, occasionally you hear one or two on a song, but usually it’s a novelty. As good as this kid is, he’s not going to sell out Madison Square Garden or headline in Vegas. He might get 15 minutes of fame, but that’s not going to set up much of a retirement fund.

I guess the best-case scenario is that he uses it as a springboard for something more grand … I mean, someone some day has to replace Michael Winslow, right?

I’ve always thought we all have one unusual skill—either discovered or undiscovered—that we’re great at, you know, like how some people can flip their eyelids inside out or whistle through their nose or turn their tongue upside down. (For the record, both my sons can turn their tongues upside down, a skill that they absolutely don’t get from their stubby-tongued father, although they have another parent that just *might* be able to do this freakish trick … just sayin’.) As I’ve mentioned, I’ve always fantasized that my secret skill is being the greatest bobsled driver ever, even if I’ve never been near a bobsled.

As many of you know, I’m actually quite the trivia whiz, but outside of bar contests, game shows and writing occasionally witty blog posts, there’s not a lot of real use for this, either. *Sigh*

Still, I do believe we all have something that we can do well. But just because we’re good at these things, doesn’t make them worthwhile.

So here are

Five Skills That Although Entertaining, I’m Not Sure Are All That Useful

1. Frisbee champ – Now when I was young man strutting along the beaches of Milford, Conn., this seemed like a great skill to have for attracting women, although in retrospect, I’m pretty sure only me and my buddies Milo and Bobby thought this would work—one of us probably should’ve told the ladies to be impressed. (Not EVER heard in 1980s Connecticut: “Oh mah gawd—look at those guys with the big hair and high tube socks working that Frisbee—like, even though it has the sex appeal of Weird Al Yankovic, it makes me totally want to date them!!!”)

That being said, being able to fling a plastic disc around with some prowess, although fun, really isn’t going to make you a lot of money. Oh sure, there is the fledgling American Ultimate Disc League, but I’m pretty sure none of the participants are quitting their day jobs to play.

2. Yo-yo whiz – Sure, we all remember when the “pro” yo-yo team showed up at school to impress us with their cool tricks into buying yo-yos, but really, what “purpose” can you ultimately fulfill with throwing something on a string away from you and then pulling it back? It seems as though I should be able to come up with a catchy metaphor or something here, but the whole concept of a yo-yo seems so one-dimensional—okay, two-dimensional if you count “up” and “down” as separate dimensions—that I can’t even think of anything.

Okay yes, there’s a World Yo-Yo Contest (this August 8-10 in Orlando, Florida), but the prize for winning—usually around $300—isn’t quite enough to make a significant difference in your life, you know, unless you’re homeless. But if that’s the case then you probably don’t have enough cash for a yo-yo in the first place, probably choosing to “squander” your resources on frivolities like food.

3. Air guitar star – Again, another entertaining skill with its own world championships (Celebrating A Decade of Air”)! Winners usually earn amounts equal to what you might find in your seat cushions, although quite often they are presented with custom air guitars. Yeahhhh.

Feel free to check out a winning performance by Justin “Nordic Thunder” Howard, who after cutting himself for his performance declares, “Pain is temporary; air guitar is forever.” Living the dream, my friend.

I would’ve embedded his performance here, but after about 26 seconds of watching, I was pissed that those 26 seconds were gone forever, Nordic Thunder’s bloodletting notwithstanding. I don’t think I’m the only one.

4. Skillet Tossing – And no, that’s not a euphemism. (Although it may be now.)

This activity—exclusively for the ladies—is a popular event on the county fair circuit, at least here in New England. Again, it’s not exactly anything you’re going to be able to retire in grandeur with once you’ve triumphed (at least at the Brooklyn Fair), but who can put a price on bragging rights and being allowed to fling a frying pan as far as you can?

Plus, it’s probably led to a love connection or two, right? I mean, what man can resist a sturdy girl who can toss a frying pan across a football field?

5. Punkin chunkin – The fact that I even know Punkin Chunkin exists as an actual activity is a testament to my own ability to surf through those “learnin’-type” channels (TLC, Discovery, History, Science, NatGeo, MTV Jams, etc.) on my TV and absorb pop culture—and in this case, it’s literally POP!, the sound made as pumpkins are launched into the Delaware sky (and smash thousands of feet away on the Delaware ground).

I can spend a few hundred words describing the Punkin Chunkin experience, but I’ll let this do it for me

That’s right—a bunch of engineering kooks try to see who can fling a pumpkin the farthest. That’s pretty much it, although since there are engineers involved, there are plenty of rules, parameters, specifications, guidelines and the like involved. But ultimately, it’s about who is the most skilled at shooting a gourd the farthest … just because they can.

Unlike some of the other skills here, there’s absolutely no money to be won for Punkin Chunkin; however, the majority of the proceeds (better than 70%) raised from spectator tickets and other sponsorships goes to support local charities. So I guess spending thousands of dollars and investing countless hours to craft the perfect device to launch a pumpkin at 400 mph through the air isn’t such a worthless endeavor after all!

 

the year in not

Dec 302012
 

So as we kick the last of 2012 to the curb, it’s traditionally time to make lists that review the year that just passed, singling out the key and memorable moments of the past twelve months.

But if that’s what everyone else is doing, you know I won’t be doing it. Instead, although I did accomplish quite a lot in 2013, and all sorts of things happened to and around me, I thought it would make sense to ruminate on

The Top 10 Things That Did NOT Happen to Me in 2012

10. I was not attacked and eaten by cannibal clowns, even though I had a few nightmares about it.

9. I did not celebrate a New York Jets Super Bowl. Again. Nor did I have an actual aneurysm—it only felt like it at times—while watching games despite Mark Sanchez’s “best” [read: “worst”] efforts.

8. I was not abducted and spirited away to a Caribbean paradise by Salma Hayek, where she would’ve lavished her … attention … on me for weeks on end. (Despite all the letters/emails/telegrams/telepathy I sent to her requesting this).

7. I did not find Bigfoot, although I was hardly alone on this. Ditto Nessie, the chupacabra, aliens or a clean hippie.

6. I was not mobbed by dozens of adoring fans at any of my book signings, although given the average age of those who did show up, it’d be more likely that I was cheek-pinched, ribbon-candied and gummed into a early bird nap.

5. I did not click on any links leading to sex tapes of Octomom or Hulk Hogan—or of Octomom *and* Hulk Hogan. [*shiver*]

4. I did not steal a car being used to deliver Chinese food and finish the route, make urine cupcakes, fake my death to throw off a mistress, get overcharged for 25 years by CL&P, discover a severed cat’s head in my yard, get struck by lightning while brushing my teeth in my bathroom or give birth on the side of the road during rush hour traffic, although living here in Connecticut, any of that—and all sorts of odder things—could’ve happened to me.

3. I never picked cotton.

2. I did not have my rectum probed by a teenaged girl posing as a gastroenterologist … oh wait. Never mind. At least I did not have my rectum probed by a semi-coherent Gary Busey posing as a gastroenterologist.

1. I was not smited by the Mayan apocalypse (although the Maya never actually predicted an apocalypse), nor was I destroyed by a fiery asteroid impact, eradicated by a Frankenstorm, swallowed by zombie hordes or eaten by Honey Boo Boo. Or her mother, the human thumb.

Well, here’s to 2013—maybe I’ll have a few of these things crossed off the list for next year …

Or not.

Happy New Year to all!!!

 

the friday five: might as well jump

Dec 282012
 

Before I forget—and with my advanced age, that happens quite a bit more than it used to—I just want to take a quick moment to give a big thank you to everyone who has stopped by this site (as well as Damned Connecticut). Obviously, I put this stuff out there to be read, and that so many of you have taken the time to support me (repeatedly) in the past year, is truly appreciated.

By the same token, thanks again to everyone who has actually bought Speaking Ill of the Dead: Jerks in Connecticut History—I can’t believe how many of you out there have insisted on laying out your own hard-earned money to purchase my book (even as a gift). I truly hope you all have enjoyed reading it as much as I had researching and writing it. I worked hard to make it an entertaining book rather than the typical dry historical read, and really want people to have fun reading it.

Thanks again! Now on to “regular” business …

* * *

So as the mess that was 2012 comes to an end—and really, we’re all pretty happy to kick this year to the curb, aren’t we?—one of the biggest questions is whether President Moe-bama and his fellow Stooges in Congress will be able to make a deal to avoid taking the nation over the “fiscal cliff,” i.e., the automatically triggered tax increases and budget cuts designed to “fix” the national debt and other budgetary ills.

Well, unlike those running around gnashing their teeth while our elected dolts play political games, I say when it comes to the Fiscal Cliff, we go Thelma & Louise on that bitch!!!

[Uh “spoilers,” you know, if there can be spoilers on movie that came out over two decades ago]

That’s right, let’s keep going!! Seriously, this economy has become so screwed up anyway, with its bank issues, rampant unemployment, housing messes, wide divide between the ultra rich and the rest of us, spiraling debt, the continued abuse of the middle class and the whole negatively politicized atmosphere, I say we hit the accelerator!!! Don’t look back and let’s just TRASH THIS MUTHA …

Plus, there’s nothing like the giddy adrenaline rush of that initial free fall that we’d all experience over the next few weeks! Then, once the economy is a smoking, twisted wreck at the bottom of the cliff, we’d know there was only one way to go, and that’s UP!

Oh, sure the next few months might suck horribly and things would get harder, but life as we know isn’t going to come to a screaming end. We’d eventually shake off the shock, work our way back up, and maybe rather than waste our efforts trying to patch a system that seems to be in a state of perpetual impending failure, we would build something strong and stable and new. Just a thought.

But really, my axe to grind here is that I’m sick to death of hearing about “the fiscal cliff” every time the news comes on—it’s almost as if I can hear the blood stirring in the loins of newscasters as they say “fiscal cliff” over and over again.

*shiver*

You know, like how there were terror alerts in the headlines every other day in the wake of 9/11—keep the sheeple nervous and they’ll keep tuning in, keep the ratings high, keep our advertisers happy and keep the money flowing in to us! Never mind that there were only a handful of actual threats. Just keep shouting “Wolf!”

Anyway, that all aside, I think “the fiscal cliff” isn’t the only term we should be focused on shattering and putting behind us.

Here are

Five Other Social Clichés We Need to Destroy

1. The Glass Ceiling – I’m not arguing against the validity of the term—how can I when it’s been repeatedly proven to exist—I’m just saying that I wish we’d make like the Wonkavator and just blast through it (and everything it stands for), sending it all into a billion pieces.

Unfortunately, when I hear “glass ceiling” I just think about some of the offices I’ve worked in, and some people with whom I’ve worked. Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be in the cubicle directly below them—with a glass ceiling—and look up and accidentally see something that might take me years and lots of therapy to un-see.

But yeah, I want it to go away in concept and practice.

2. The Big Picture – You always here about The Big Picture, but does anyone really know what it’s of? I mean, is it like one of the Hubble telescope images or a beach at sunset or a giant velvet portrait of dogs playing poker? Maybe something by Bob Ross, with a little Unabomber shack back in the deep woods by a stream where a coupla friendly critters live (it’s your world), all in a nice handmade macaroni frame.

Personally, as a photography fan, the only Big Picture I really enjoy is from Boston.com. Other than that, I can barely focus on my own Little Picture, let along anyone’s idea of a Big Picture.

Talking about The Big Picture to me also just sounds like an excuse to ignore details or crush people’s lives—you know, like when you hear some CEO talk about laying off 1,000 Americans for 1,000 kids in some Third-World sweatshop who they pay pennies a day so that their already massively profitable company can stay competitive “in The Big Picture.”

3. The One Percent – Just the latest catchy way for the Common Man to say, “I hate the rich … you know, until I become rich myself.” Yawn. Tell me something that the majority of humanity hasn’t agreed on for the better part of the last few millennium.

4. Thinking Outside the Box – I would argue that as soon as someone utters this term, it’s an instant indicator that no actual “outside the box” thinking has occurred. It’s like how people overuse the word “eclectic” to describe those cookie-cutter T.G.I.McScratchy’s that all look exactly alike. I come back to Dash in The Incredibles—when his mother Elasti-Girl tells him that “Everyone’s special,” he responds, “Which is another way of saying that no one is.” Ditto “thinking outside the box.”

Many use the term to signal some sort of alleged commercial innovation—Steve Jobs is often credited with “thinking outside the box” when it came to creating computers, but he was still putting a bunch of electronics in a box, just in a different way. “Outside of the box” innovation would be something like creating an edible computer out of spaghetti that also was a chainsaw and pogo stick—I bet no one is working on that!

The truth is that when someone actually thinks “outside the box,” they are often relegated to the fringes of society as some sort of nutcase. Those who “think outside the box” and manage to gravitate to the center of society, usually don’t bring good with them, either—Hitler, in particular, could be noted for his “outside the box” thinking when it came to his ideas on nation building.

Really, it’s not the compliment it’s supposed to be.

5. Social Media – Has anyone who uses this term ever seen some of the less-than-sociable exchanges that go on using these tools? People seem really eager to use Twitter, Facebook and blogs to verbally rip apart and taunt others in a public, yet somewhat anonymous way.

Social media has become a bully pulpit for many—I suppose myself included. It also has provided a great way for people to let their whiny voices be heard. [Again, just read back through this entire post!] Sure, we exchange some nice things, but the majority of my Facebook feed is filled with people trying to not-so-subtly push their religion, politics or other causes on me, all things they most likely wouldn’t do if we were in a room face to face. Nothing social about that, either.

Don’t get me wrong—I enjoy those electronic platforms. As we all know, however, there’s a big difference between Twitter and Facebook and blogging, and they way that each of those can be used to reach others. To put them under one broad banner seems like a bit of a lazy misnomer.

 

the friday five: what i could’ve been

Dec 212012
 

So with the end of the world coming any moment now and the black abyss of Nothing potentially staring me in the face, I find myself, like many, thinking of all the different ways my life could’ve played out.

Remember when you were a kid and you had dreams of what you wanted to be when you grew up? Well, I haven’t exactly grown up, and I’m pretty happy with the way things have gone, but I do remember some of those dreams ….

In fact, here are

Five Jobs I Wanted to Have When I Was a Kid
(and still might consider now)

1. Stunt man – Yeah, being a child of the 1970s Evel Kneivel definitely was an influence. I mean, freaking look at him—

How could he not have an impact on any self-respecting impressionable youth? Cavalierly courting danger, the red-white-and-blue jumpsuit, the cape—he had a freakin’ cape, people—the ladies. Oh, and throw in a freakin’ ROCKET CAR!

As I saw it, it was a short jump from daredevil (which did seem a bit reckless) to stunt man, which seemed like a more “stable” and realistic lifestyle. I remember teaching myself how to fall and roll, throwing myself over fences and furniture perfecting my technique.

Oh yeah, and seeing Hooper may have had something to do with it.

2. Professional bobsled driver –

I’m still not sure if this is an actual paying gig, but I’m pretty sure 100% positive I’d do it for free if given the opportunity.

One of the things I loved as a kid was sledding in the snow. So when I saw bobsledding—a big sled going ultra fast down an uber amazing iced course—during the 1976 Winter Olympics, I was immediately smitten. Sure, there were other cool winter sports like ski jumping and curling, but bobsledding seemed like the most badass of them all. You got to drive wicked fast, the course went sideways at times, and unlike luge, you didn’t have your junk on display in a lycra bodysuit for the world to see, where it looked as though you were trying to smuggle wiener schnitzel over the Austrian Alps.

3. Private detective – This time I was influenced by literature, and three great fictional detectives whose stories I enjoyed—Sherlock Holmes, Ellery Queen and … Encyclopedia Brown.

(How Bugs Meany never ended up in juvie, I don’t know … although he did eventually get his revenge.)

I loved mysteries and attempting to solve them—you know, without reading the answers in the back of the book. But the idea of helping people and foiling the bad guys was always very appealing.

Pop culture also influenced me a bit—TV shows like “The Rockford Files” made the life of the private dick like look exciting and fun. Plus, Jim Rockford has the best theme song and the coolest car, for the 1970s.

4. Jedi knight –

You know, when they were still cool before the whole whiny, murderous Anakin Skywalker thing in the accursed prequels sort of ruined it for everyone.

5. TV/Movie director – Obviously, I was raised on TV and movies, and enjoy telling stories and expressing myself with images, so this seemed to be a natural course for me. For numerous reasons, I never quite got myself going in the direction of film school, and although I was a communications major, I was too scared to really jump into the video production aspect of it.

Still, I dreamed of making *REALLY COOL* movies. I also fantasized of how I would sneak into a theater and sit in the back—I’d see a trailer run proclaiming “FROM THE MASTER OF RAYALITY” and then hear the audience break out into spontaneous applause because they’d know every film I made was fracking awesome.

In a way, I guess writing is like directing—you know, just without all the cool moving pictures that people seem to be fond of nowadays, and the spontaneous applause. I suppose you might argue not all of my “productions” are fracking awesome, either. Oh well …

At least I can have control over shaping the narrative of what you read. And although I don’t have a cool clapboard, I do get to decide when it’s time to say, “CUT!”

Print it.

 

 

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